A Problem That Has No Name: Choices Mothers' Have

Yesterday's social media was full of excitement of people expressing their love for their mom. Cute pictures, touchy captions. No I'm not gonna badmouthing people who were simply expressing their love. It is sweet and understandable. They are proud of their mom. We ought to.

In my own timeline I didn't post any picture nor word about mother's day. I happened to not have those fancy relationship with mom. We love each other in a way only us understand. 

Yesterday's social media got me thinking about mother itself. About women who decided to have kid(s). About how limited their choices are once they become mother. 

My mother gave up her job long time ago. Now she has no life other than being mom. She is a very definition of domesticated women. To some extent, it is a good deal. The choice that she choose might be the reason why my family stick together up till now. My mother gave up her ego. She sacrifice herself for us. 

Who watch Grey's Anatomy here? Raise your hand. Remember in Season 5 Miranda Bailey has a big fight with her husband because she got too busy at the hospital? I realized how complicated it is to be a gifted mother. Mother with capability to be taken seriously by society other than being mom. 

She has to work her ass off to be good at both. Being mom and being a surgeon.

This one below is an old archive of mine. See a woman with toddler on her lap? She is Licia Ronzulli, European Parliament member who took her daughter to work in 2010. I always remember one of its comment on the article: "Ridiculous. Not a daycare center. This woman either needs a lot of attention or is very irresponsible". 

Being mom and being a member of parliament.

It is generally okay for fathers to be busy outside home. When it comes to mothers, it is not okay at all. They would be considered as 'irresponsible' because they have 'neglected' their role to take care their child. Any self-realization of mothers must not that brilliant it could disturb their role as mom. 

This 'little' thing is what bothered me. Women rarely recognized as a whole person. Women rarely seen as a whole person who also need self-fulfillment. A whole person who have their own voice, thought, and need to be heard and taken seriously. Women is women, they have their own responsibilities taken for granted.

What's going on here is, I believe, patriarchal family order that persist. Women often lose control over future after they perform their reproduction roles. After they become pregnant, give birth, and being caregivers, women have lack of future choices compared to men. 

Thus, I always praise Scandinavian countries that has pioneered the transformation of parenthood into political issues. States has the necessity to politicizing the private sphere to undermine the patriarchal family order. Norwegian scientist Helga Hernes introduced a women-friendly state concept when she tried to describe a gender phenomenon in Scandinavia. This matter has steal my attention for a year. It is somehow became a hidden dream of mine, make my own country to be, in some degree, a woman-friendly state.

“A woman-friendly state would not force harder choices on women than on men, or permit unjust treatment on the basis of sex. In a woman-friendly state women will continue to have children, yet there will also be other roads to self-realization open to them. In such a state women will not have to choose futures that demand greater sacrifices from them than are expected of men. It would be, in short, a state where injustice on the basis of gender would be largely eliminated without an increase in other forms of inequality, such as among groups of women.” (Hernes, 1987)

Women are powerless but full of responsibilities. 

In this very matter, I think no any celebration needed.

Reference: Hernes, Helga. (1987) Welfare State and Woman Power. Essays in State Feminism. Vojens: Norwegian University Press: 15.

Merhaba

See you in winter

Adieu

*It took 10 minutes for me deciding what sentence to open this post.*

*Like we all see, it ended up with this. And the picture above.*

*What a lame writing ability I have.*

Waddup people?

When I said waddup I feel like Agnes Monica. Hashtag agnezmo. Hashtag intlsinger. Hashtag fttimbaland. I see you lookin at my curves. Coke bottle. 

But really, it was my pure intention to ask what is up now, people?

Because yea, because I deleted all mobile application for social media in my phone. He. He. 

Why Tita? Why in this era you choose to didn't have twitter, path, and instagram in your phone? Could you even live??

Of course I can. Or else this is corpse typing. Hashtag creepy.

There are several reason on why I deleted em. One main reason is because I was way too distracted with them all. I could scroll with no purpose for an hour or more. And the other reason is.. You know, comparison is the thief of joy. With them in my hand, I constantly compare myself with others. Which some point is good. But I found that I couldn't really handle the negative side. The thief. Of joy. Most of my friends have a decent life. A noble achievement. A superb career path. Well.. Out of my league. Though I know everything is never as it seems, but it's really hard to be grateful if what you see everyday is the parade of what-you-can't-reach-what-you-never-even-had-a-chance-to-experience. And I avoid to be that thief myself. The second other reason is because I missed books. I don't know why I can't handle myself in this situation. I, of course, choose to scroll timeline rather than reading books. With all my social media deleted in my gadget, when I'm bored I open nothing but e-book reader. And games. Lol. (Not a gamer type of person, it won't last longer than 10 minutes for me to play games). 

Thanks to google alerts, I still could catch up with news clips I intend everyday. Yay?

From now on, I hope I made a right decision and could be more focus with things I want to give. Things I want to achieve.

Oh and the picture above, I portray myself in the airport of life. I have to choose which plane I want to fly by. Or I could go home. No one would intervene anymore anyway. See? Few people passing by. But I'm all alone. Everyone is alone in their own. 

I'm in the intersection of life. 

This is just a warm up post. See you again in the next rant.

Much love (you deserve it),

Tita Adelia 

Picture taken from: personal documentation.

Saya kembali

Akhirnya bisa pup pake air lagi. Bukan tisu basah. Atau lebih buruk lagi tisu kering. Biarinlah. Biar globalisasi semakin mendera juga saya sukanya pipis dan pup pake air. Merasa lebih bersih. Walau mungkin cuma perasaan aja. Gapapa.

Udah lama ga posting tau-tau muncul bahasnya pup. Yaudah maafin ya. Daripada ga posting samasekali. Sok sibuk. Sok writer's block. Tapi ya emang sibuk sih. Cuma bukan writer's block. Soalnya saya bukan writer. Saya waitress. Naon.

Tadi saya abis dari Takarajima. Makan sushi. Makannya sendirian. Gatau mau ngajak siapa. Bukan ga punya temen. Kalau bilang ga punya temen nanti temen saya marah semua. Kebiasaan kalo pulang dari luar negeri itu pengennya makan yang enak. Gaya. Padahal juga baru dua kali ke luar negeri. Dapet ide makan sushi soalnya liat orang bawa-bawa kresek transparan yang isinya sushi di mrt. Saya ngiler. Tapi miskin. Waktu itu pas banget lagi eneg abis nyobain crepe yang rasanya aneh manis banget meninggal dan ada rasa wortel anehnya. Anehlah pokonya. Makanya eneg. Jadi pengen susi, tapi ga mampu, yaudah pas udah pulang aja. Biar bayarnya pake rupiah.

Sebenernya biasa aja ya makan sendirian. Udah sering. Seringan makan sendirian daripada ada temennya kayanya kalo sekarang. Bodo amat. Ya masa ga makan. Tadi makannya sambil baca buku. Harusnya makan ya makan. Baca ya baca. Kalo ada ayah pasti dimarahin. Tapi kan ga ada. Jadi yaudah. Tadi isi bukunya sedih. Jadi aja berkaca-kaca sendirian ditengah-tengah hiruk pikuknya pasangan atau keluarga lain yang lagi makan susi. Ga sehiruk pikuk itu juga sih. Emangnya emam di pasar. Tapi ya gitu, semua orang ngobrol. Berinteraksi. Tapi saya ngga. Yaiya, mau ngobrol sama siapa. Sama buku.

Pada dasarnya saya emang introvert. Jadi pas harus sendiri ya bahagia aja. Enak. Ga usah canggung. Ga usah mikirin harus ngomong apa. Saya ga pinter ngomong. Pinternya bikin suasana kaku. Kecuali sama yang udah akrab banget. Itu juga gatau kenapa bisa ada orang yang akrab banget sama saya. Merekanya aja yang hebat. Misalnya pacar saya. Gini-gini saya punya pacar loh. Tapi lagi long distance relationship. Ldr. Dia di Turki. Lagi kuliah lagi. Jagoan ya. Saya aja skripsi baru bab satu. Emang setahun lebih tua dari saya sih. Tapi ya tetep aja. Tadi tiba-tiba bahas pacar kenapa ya. Lupa. Oh iya, orang yang akrab banget sama saya ya. Iya. Maksudnya dia salah satu contoh nyata yang mau-mau an jadi akrab sama saya. Udah. Krik.

Makanannya udah abis tapi saya masih stay disana. Soalnya bukunya belum abis. Nanggung. Saya sempet liat sekeliling juga sih kalo lagi ngelahap susinya. Jadi ya ga baca terus-terusan gitu. Depan kiri kanan saya pada pacaran. Bikin kangen aja. Kangen punya pacar. Bukannya sekarang ga punya. Punya. Tapi ga bisa pacaran. Pacaran itu apa sih. Udah putusin aja, kalo kata felixmiauw. Pacaran itu belajar ga egois, belajar berbagi, belajar jadi pendengar, yang kemudian ada reward secara langsung yang kalo beruntung, kamu bakal langsung dapet. In my case, pacar saya pinter. Jadi bisa banyak diskusi. Mulai dari yang ga penting sampe tentang demokrasi. Mulai dari yang personal sampe yang internasional. Pacaran itu harusnya bantu ngeringanin masalah-masalah. Bukan nambah masalah. Pacaran itu harusnya melejitkan potensi-potensi. Kan ada yang dukung. Ada support tambahan. Bukannya bikin melempem. Bikin ga bisa ngapa-ngapain. Makanya saya kangen pacaran. Kangen ngobrolnya. Kangen bantuin bikin skripsinya (Yang sekarang giliran saya yang haus bantuan). Kangen excited jalanin plan date yang dia bikin pake excel. Yang gitu-gitunya lah. Yang ga bisa kalo sambil jarak jauh dan beda waktu. Ngerti sih harusnya.

Bukunya akhirnya abis juga. Kayanya juga tempatnya udah mulai makin penuh. Saya termasuk pendatang yang pertama. Soalnya emang laper terakhir makan di pesawat malem-malem. Terus minta bill. Yaudah, bayar deh pake cash. Di bank udah ga ada saldo. Gaji belum turun. Ada sih tapi di bank yang ga boleh saya tarik. Kan biar nabung. Selain orang tua yang udah ga usah bayar kuliah, saya juga sekarang coba-coba ingin menghidupi diri sendiri dengan keringat sendiri. Dan telah berhasil dalam beberapa bulan terakhir. Meskipun sibuk kayak orang gila. Ga bisa main sesering itu kayak anak seumuran saya. Gapapa. Tiap travelling kemanapun, udah ga ada yang biayanya minta ke orang tua. Apa ya. Merasa lebih puas aja. Lebih ngerti perspektif orang dewasa. Emang udah harus siap-siap jadi dewasa juga kan.

Yaudah gitu aja. Semoga kedamaian terus menyelimuti hati kita.