20110228

Soktau

Tulisan ini muncul setelah adodi telfon waktu gw baru bangun dari tidur setelah raker bem yang cukup melelahkan. Tentu aja suara gw kayak kodok kejepit sendal. Setelah tlefon ditutup. Gw ngerasain sensasi nyaman yang luarbiasa merasuk ngangetin perasaan gw. Walaupun suara gw kayak begitu adanya, gw ga denger nada khawatir dari sana. Dengan pertanyaan gw yang dijawab dengan jawaban kalau disana semua baik-baik aja, gw juga seneng. I mean, kakak gw tau gw pasti bisa jaga diri disini. Pasti ga akan jadi mahasiswa yang baik-baik amat yang kupu-kupu ato belajar terus, tapi dia tetep percaya gw pasti sanggup jalanin apa aja disini asal gw mau. Dan dia juga lebih dari tau kalo abis telfon itu ditutup, gw akan langsung cari makan dan minum obat ga mesti pake disuruh. Emang kadang gw suka males makan, tapi itu karena gw tau sampe mana diri gw sanggup. Kalo gw ngerasa gw bakal sakit, pasti gw langsung makan teratur tanpa harus banyak komando dari sana sini.

“ah kamu kan dari kecil udah seneng ngurus segala sendiri”
Deg.
Iya. Halo, gw tita adelia dan gw emang soktau.
Dari masih pake sepeda roda tiga. Gw marah kalo pembantu gw ikut-ikutan dibelakang gw kalo lagi main sepeda. Gw sukanya sendirian, gw ngerasa gw udah bisa sepedaan sendirian. Padahal baca aja belum bisa. Sepeda aja masih roda tiga. Akhirnya keluarga yang sibuk nyari dan pembantu gw yang dimarahin. Padahal gw nya seneng-seneng aja main jauh-jauh sendirian.
Di tk, gw gasuka kalo ditungguin sama orang tua. Dianter dan dijemput udah lebih dari cukup bagi gw. Bahkan gw suka nakal pulang sendiri kalau jemputnya lama. Dengan argumen rumahnya deket, gw boleh pulang sendiri. Emang gw dari kecil udah soktau.
Di sd, kalo ada lomba-lomba di Jakarta. Gw ga masalah berangkat tanpa orang tua. Dari mulai kelas 3 sd, yang berangkat subuh-subuh dari tempat les kesana, gw ngerasa fine-fine aja sendirian, yang lain sama orangtua, gw santai aja ikutan rombongan, tanpa mama tanpa ayah. Yang ketar-ketir malah orangtua gw sendiri karena pada jaman itu belom musim handphone. Perkemahan sabtu minggu, gw seneng maksimal. Ditengokin, malah nyuruh pulang yang nengok. Ikutan pesantren kilat di Jakarta juga gw seneng-seneng aja. Ga kangen. Ga nangis. Mau ditengokin ga? Ga usah.
Iya, gw emang soktau. Jaman-jamannya sekolah menengah gw suka nginep rumah temen dengan bilang mendadak. Padahal teteh gw kalo mau nginep bilangnya seminggu ato dua minggu sebelumnya, dia emang jauh lebih lugu dari adeknya: gw. Apalagi jaman SMA, gw berangkat paling pagi, pulang paling malem, weekend ga pernah ada dirumah.
Keputusan penting juga sering gw tentuin sendiri, dari jaman sd ampe sma, yang ngurusin sekolah beserta milih sekolah kemana, ya gw sendiri. Termasuk masuk IPS di sma, itu karena gw yang milih. Termasuk kuliah dimana, gw aja iseng masukin ppkb ui. Orangtua gw selalu tau jadi.
Lalu sekarang karma menempatkan gw kuliah ditempat yang harus keluar dari rumah. Selamat, kamu seneng ngurus segalanya sendiri kan? Sekarang juga gw udah mulai soktau jalan-jalan di Jakarta sendirian. Untung ga selalu ada waktu.

Dan lagi, gw ngapain aja disini, sebenernya keluarga gw cuma tau jadi.
Entah itu beasiswa, entah itu ip, organisasi, atau apa, gw soktau dari dulu. Gw yang paling kecil malah jadi yang paling soktau.
Kenapa ya?

20110219

Vaguely

Well, I don’t really know how to put down my feeling into the words.
It’s pretty hard, but I guess I sort of need to do this right now.
I don’t know. I really don’t know how to starts. How to starts explain what I feel.
Maybe because it’s been a really long time since I let my problems written here. While previously I used to write anything I felt, in the honest way.
No, no. I’m not saying that I am a big liar now. I’m not living a life as a pretender. No, I will never do. It’s too pathetic, and I guess I’m not that strong to do it.
I often throw away my deepest feeling. I motivate myself as hard as I can.
My friends now know me as a happy person, you know?
I laugh more than them, I smile more, I talk in a funny way more than they even could. I communicate with every single layers of social stratification (you know what I mean).
Finally, I successfully make them thought me as a strong one who owns a perfect life.
Now I found it, ironic.
And I blame no one here. They don’t have any fault, neither then me.
Did you know how much peoples that I love now? I say, much. Much more than you ever think.
I love my family, indeed. I love them more than I could ever tell. I life separated from them now. I always try to do my best here. Did you think whom those are for? Me? What’s the matter?
You know I am a kind of a take-it-easy person. Then with those my take-it-easy behavior I will never can make them proud. While I can’t be there for show them my love, at least I can present them my achievement. Though until now, I still have nothing to make them proud of. But I’m on my way to make it happen.
I love my friends. I really love them. I can’t bear my tears now. You never thought that I could be that melancholic rite? But yeah the truth is I can’t bear my tears when I just typed ‘friends’ word.
I laugh hard, I smile more, I joke, I help, I press my ego down, I hear, I hide my deepest sorrow, I do many things you’d never imagine before. Just to make them see that happiness is so close. That happiness is always right beside them. That no matter hard life may seems, they will always make it through.
I'd been broken heart for many times, they even absolutely clueless about it. Do you know what can make me (seems) all right?
Cause I know there’s a lot of friends I worth stay strong for.
Friends, I couldn’t mention it one by one. Even a people that I met in short time before, as long as they consider me as a friend, I love them.
I love my boyfriend, more than I can say. I came into his life. I don’t know how the way I leave him will like. Is it a death, is it a kind of simple break up, or is it a way that we never thought. Whatever it is, I made a promise to myself, that I will never ever let myself make him feel jerk. I’m not coming to his life, just to leave him feel bad about himself. Did I ever tell you that I love him?
Now maybe you understand why I called love as a simple thing. Love is simple.
Yeah.
After all, I don’t know what I write this for. I don’t know. I feel this all, just like, vaguely.

20110216

People from past

Today was awesome.
First, I successfully beat the SBI class and stuff. Uh uh, I'm not that stupid, am I?

But, do you know what can make this day awesome?
I met my sister, my sister from the past. And we talk, like, about 4 hours?
And it feels like completing my soul, recovering all the holes.

You sometimes need to meet a people from your past, a people who once had known all about you, formerly.
To brush up your missing memory, to clear up your destiny. To share about many years you both didn't even talk with, and feel again the greatness of previous warmth. It will make you feel good. Trust me.

20110215

young and happy

Apa lagi ya yang bisa bikin saya lebih bahagia?
Selain ngeliat pancaran mata bahagia dari ibu kamu?
Kamu sama aku, bahagia kan? Dan ibu mana yang ga bahagia liat anaknya bahagia?
Haha
Apa lagi ya yang bisa bikin saya lebih bahagia?
Selain jalanin hari bareng kamu yang makin dewasa tiap harinya?

With those imperfections you often said to me, to all people, I still have nothing to complain about. I simply deal with it all.
If anyone asking me, why can I love you?
Let me be honest, I don’t know why. I really don’t know why.
And when some-rude-one ask me, like, “Ta, are you serious with this? Don’t you think you can get, em, any other better man?”
I say
Who really know about ‘better’ things?
Are better always about material things? About physical appearance? About what?
What if, what you think ‘better’ is just gonna be bad for me?


Well, I don’t know why people love to complicate the simple things.

Haha.
I mean, we’re so young, we must learn how to enjoy what we deserve to enjoy. We must learn how to be happy. Seriously dude, we’re still so young.

20110203

lose appetite

actually, i don't feel so good. like, wanna puke all day long, lil dizzy, bitter tongue, etc. but, just take it easy eh?

20110202

pictures talk

you have no idea how energetic she is, how spoiled, how naughty, how a word can't discribe her childhood fantasy.

and she has no idea about how colorful her life will be.
oh, she never imagine about this. about how can the strangers make her life worth living.

besties?

and for all good times she never suppose to taste, she will be very thankful.

juvenile grind


taste of serious things


intergeneration friendship


old-time favourites


bitch on the beach


whatever


so-called-promnite

meets

lil reunion


yeah, but she already knew that: life's goes on and on and on and on.

and she will be the girl who cherish every moment, who able to smile even in the worst condition.
yes, she will.