Make peace with self

I must say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years.

The world is so much more beautiful in the lens of western world. The air is cleaner, no single ventolin used in this past two months. The water is clearer, you can drink from your own sink. The traffic and public transportation is more bearable, I almost always sit and read in subway, no significant hassle experienced. The sidewalk for pedestrian is there, waiting for you to walk, wide and safe. The food is coming from the best sources, abundant vegetables and fruits, cheap almond milk, variety of cheeses, affordable salmon. The people are minding their own business.
Life is less stressful than it was before.

Yes, those are admirable, but those are not the mere reason of the impressiveness.

I'm impressed by how living away from your comfort zone is letting you discover yourself in the most intense way. And by comfort zone I mean all the familiarity I had back home. Family, friends, food, material possession, social norms.

Day by day, second by second, I have a galore of chance to get to know the truest form of myself more. It started with the most basic question: what kind of person do I want to be?

The answer might involve further discovery of self, but at least now I figure out what kind of person I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a person with many faces. Being different person around different people. Talk differently, act differently around certain kind of people. I don't want to hide things and spend my energy to serve people's perspective towards me. Because then I have to ask myself, which one of those person am I?  

I aspire to be the same person whether I'm with my nephew or my college friends.

I want me to do, or not do, things not because of someone else's presence or judgement, but because of the reason I inherently believe and the logic I essentially embrace. As for me to be labelled as certain thing is none of my business, because I cannot control people's perspective. One thing I can fully control is myself.

The truth is, I'm no longer relying on a sense of pure good and bad because the more I grow up the more I understand that all norms are relative, the world is not black and white. So the extra question I ask myself when I decided something, whether serious or trivial, is do I still have the same decision if I were surrounded by different people, for instance, if I were surrounded by the familiarity mentioned above? It is because of me that I decided to do this, or because of the others? And if the answer is yes, it is for the first reason, then I'm gonna do it. If it is not, then I'm in a full control of myself to not do it.

If I'm being kind with my closest friend, then I'm gonna be kind with whomever it is. I'm being kind not because she/he is A or B, but because it is what I am. If I don't drink in front of my parents, then I don't drink even if I'm in a bar with friends. My action is not based on my parents' presence nor my friends' judgement, it is because of what I do believe. If I don't smoke in front of my boyfriend's mom, I don't smoke even if I'm alone. Because it is what I am, not because I am afraid to be labelled as such thing.

Whenever I go, whomever I'm with, it has to be the same Tita Adelia that I am. That is the only way I can make peace with myself.

Now I get it why is there such phenomenon called 'coming out'. Because to make peace with yourself, you have to be able to be the same person wherever you are, whenever you are, whomever with you are. Hiding things, being a person with many faces, is somehow exhausting.

For my case, although it is not as easy at it seems, I'm fortunate enough that my version of self is widely accepted by society. I couldn't imagine how miserable it is to be oneself that happened to be the opposite side of constructed norms. It is like I want to befriend them. I want to hug them, tell them that it is okay to be your version of self, as long as no one on this mortal earth is harmed because of who you are.

Make peace with yourself is like the most fundamental thing you can do to reach the state of being happy. And I never feel as content as this before.

If it is not for the long distance I took apart from my comfort zone, I might not be able to even think about this all. I will be too busy dealing with everyday's routine, ride the sardine can train in the morning, fulfil superior's expectation in the daylight, craving for high quality sleep in the night.

So I'm not wrong if I say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years, am I?

Awkwardness Award

Hello there, this is the winner speaking. How do you do? I'm fine too, thank you. (Awkwardly posing with trophy in hand)

Other than the smell of jackfruit, small talk is the thing I--if there's any chance--consciously avoid all the time. I always choose to be silent rather than being a deceitful one. I'm mystified if people still think I am nice at all. Because really, I have no ability to amuse people in terms of human interaction. 

Seriously, how do people do that? 

Today I overheard my mom, she was on the phone with one extended family I don't know. Her tone was witty and she laughed (friendly laugh) almost all the time. The conversation wasn't funny though, it was just about our family situation, my sister is now far from us because she lives with her husband, and I, on the other hand, am the only one home for now. I was wondering if my mom wasn't home and I were the one who answer that call, those conversation would be flat and dead already. 

I'm more interested in a deep, insecure, honest conversation. Like, if people ask about my job, what I want to talk about is how bad the financial circumstance nowadays that many people got cut off from their job, I've witnessed myself. Not, how cool it was to work in parliament, because it was not that great. If people ask about my future plan, what I want to convey is I have many alternatives and currently think about several considerations, or even saying bluntly I'm in the state that I have no idea what my future will be. Not, as simple as stating one job. Because life is never that straightforward, is it? Same thing with how people react to any of my questions, I'll be more attentive to the deep, insecure, honest one.

Since I can hardly have those kind of conversation with new people, I guess I just have to take the consequences for being an awkward silent little bundle. (Except I'm not little) 

Anyhow.

I will put this trophy in my self-esteem cupboard with pride.
And anyone who awarded themselves the same trophy, should too.

About today

Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing

Name few things that make you happy today.

Hari ini saya memutuskan untuk tidak pergi kemana-mana. Karena toh saya bisa mengerjakan apa yang harusnya saya kerjakan di kamar, bersama laptop dan koneksi internet yang kencang. Hanya saja ketika saya tidak kemana-mana, kebiasaan buruk saya akhir-akhir ini adalah lupa makan, atau mungkin ngirit? Tapi memang tidak terasa lapar, hingga akhirnya melihat jam dan sadar bahwa saya seharusnya makan beberapa jam yang lalu. Maka pada pukul tiga lebih, saya memutuskan untuk keluar dari sarang tempat saya bermukim.

Saya tahu, langit sudah mendung dan jemuran pun sudah saya pindahkan ke tempat yang beratap karena sedikit lagi akan hujan. Ini bulan April tapi hujan masih datang hampir setiap sore atau malam. Tapi karena saya hanya akan pergi ke warung terdekat, yang menjual bubur ayam, indomie, dan bubur kacang hijau, saya hanya membawa dompet dan hp. Bawa payung agaknya terlalu repot.

Selesai makan bubur ayam dengan satu sate ati ampela, saya pergi ke warung sebelah untuk membeli air mineral. Tepat ketika saya bayar, harganya empat ribu, tiba-tiba hujan turun. Awalnya tidak terlalu deras, tapi ketika saya sudah menerima uang kembalian dan siap untuk pulang, hujan turun semakin deras. Deras sekali hingga saya mengurungkan niat untuk menembusnya.

Saya berteduh di dalam warung yang bisa dibilang kecil dan sempit, bapak tukang warung menyilakan saya untuk berdiri agak ke dalam supaya tidak basah. Hujan turun amat deras, saya lihat tidak ada orang yang lalu-lalang samasekali, mungkin karena saat hujan terlalu deras, memakai payung pun seperti sia-sia sehingga semua orang memilih untuk menunggu reda.

Perasaan saya saat itu tidak kesal sama sekali. Saya malah ingin tertawa. Saya lupa kapan terakhir kali saya membiarkan diri saya untuk terjebak di situasi-situasi bodoh seperti ini.

Saya berdiri dan diam, mau main hp pun belum isi kuota internet. Sudah beberapa hari ini saya hanya mengandalkan wifi. Akhirnya saya hanya memandangi hujan yang turun begitu deras. Air mengalir ke tempat yang lebih rendah. Suara petir yang bergemuruh membuat saya bergidik. Takut.

Saya diam dan berpikir, apakah saya tembus saja hujan ini karena saya tahu hujan seperti ini biasanya tidak sebentar? Toh dekat saja, hanya beberapa ratus meter. Tapi saya ragu. Karena saya membawa hp. Karena saya baru saja keramas dan mandi.

Dalam hujan lebat itu, lewatlah seorang anak kecil bersepeda. Tanpa payung. Tanpa jas hujan. Dia hanya bersepeda dan tertawa-tawa. Awalnya saya pikir dia lagi main lalu kehujanan dan akan buru-buru pulang ke rumahnya. Tapi ternyata tidak, dia lewat lagi. Kali ini berhenti lalu menyimpan sepedanya di dekat warung tempat saya berdiri, lalu dia meringis bahagia ditengah hujan memanggil temannya satu lagi. Basah kuyup.

Timbul rasa di dalam diri saya. Saya iri. 

Kapan terakhir kali saya menikmati hujan sebagai anugerah dari Tuhan terhadap mahluk bumi? Saya tidak ingat. Yang saya tahu hujan hanya membuat macet, membuat saya menunda kepulangan jika masih ada di kantor, membuat saya menunda keluar rumah jika masih ada di rumah, membuat becek, mengotori sepatu.

Akhirnya saya mengambil keputusan. Iri tanda tak mampu. Siapa bilang saya tidak mampu menikmati hujan seperti anak itu menikmatinya? Saya masukan hp dan dompet saya ke dalam keresek air mineral, lalu saya tali. Saya gulung celana panjang saya sebetis agar tidak terlalu basah ketika menginjak kubangan.

Saya berjalan, ribuan butiran air dari langit membasahi ubun-ubun. Sambil berlari-lari kecil, saya menginjak kubangan air sehingga menambah basah baju saya, karena memang tidak ada pilihan, tidak ada jalan yang kering. Saya ingat saya tersenyum hampir tertawa. Tidak menyangka situasi bodoh seperti ini menjadi momen terbaik dalam beberapa bulan terakhir. Saya merasa bebas, naif, dan bahagia. Tidak ada suara yang saya dengar selain suara jatuhnya butiran air. 

Sampai di kamar ternyata saya tidak sebasah kuyup yang saya bayangkan. Hanya bagian kepala dan jaket jeans saya yang jadi agak berat karena basah, sisanya seperti hanya kecipratan sedikit. Saya simpan air mineral berisikan hp dan dompet dan berganti baju. Lucunya, tidak berapa lama dari saya berganti baju, hujan mengecil dan beberapa menit kemudian reda.

Tidak semua orang bisa mengambil kesenangan dari terjebak hujan di warung sempit. Saya seperti disadarkan kembali apa yang menjadi kekuatan saya. Yang selama ini telah lama saya lupakan. Yang selama ini malah saya kubur dalam-dalam.

Saya adalah penikmat momen. Saya tidak mudah dibuat tidak bahagia.

Dulu saya memiliki toleransi yang amat luas terkait dengan standar kebahagiaan. Yang entah kenapa makin kesini makin menyempit. Makin dibutakan dengan hal-hal banal.

Saya ingat saat SMA saya bahagia hanya dengan mengetik di komputer butut tengah malam, tidak ada internet, tidak punya apa-apa. Hanya saya dan malam. Begitu sederhana.

Hujan besar sore ini, terima kasih sudah mengingatkan.

I Lost!

The title made it clearly what am I gonna write in this post.

I admitted that I lost this 15 Minutes Challenge.

I made this challenge for myself and screwed it up.

I was came up with many excuses before I really admitted that I lost.

One of them is I already being productive in writing a and b (other than this blogpost).

But still. I lost. I didn't wrote every single day in this blog.


Now I know why am I still here.

Because I'm not committed enough to do things. I'm lack of determination and effort to make things happen.

Ok. At least I got to know myself better.


Thanks, self.

I gotta say No

Disclaimer: This isn't Meghan Trainor newest song.

This is just a little epiphany I got from doing nothing all day in my room.

That I should've said no more to especially myself.

That it is harder to say no than yes.

Being adult means you got to say no. For any unnecessary desire your body has.

Being adult means take a full control of yourself.

And we human, crave many things we don't actually need.

We think we should let our body get what it wants.

But no. It is not how this life works.

Our body crave for food it doesn't need.

We gotta say no.

Our body addicted to many variations of toxic substance.

We gotta say no.

Our body crave for sexual intimacy. Right there. Right now.

We gotta say no.

Our body need more sleep. Sleep all day.

We gotta say no. Get up.


What if we say yes?

Many people say yes to their desire. Including us.

We think we are content.

No. We are not.

We screwed ourselves up.


When we eat the food we don't need, we feel content.

But that's it.

Contentment fly away.

When we look to the mirror we found out we aren't in a good shape.

We feel terrible of ourselves.

Or worse.

Diabetes. Cholesterol. Whatever.

Going to the doctor ain't fun.


When we let ourselves addicted to toxic substance, we feel content at the moment.

But that's it.

In the long run. We are just frustrated.

Trapped.

In the tunnel of addiction.

Hoping we die faster.


When we have casual sexual relationship with other people just because we want to.

We cringe on ourselves.

Pretend to ask naive questions.

Is there any good people left out there for us. Why isn't anybody love us more than our body.

Crave a good, long-term, committed relationship.

Yet we won't bother to think about the foundation of good relationship.

Yet we can't value our body the way it should be.

We gotta say no to ourselves more.

We have to be in control of ourselves.

To chase happiness that lasts longer than a suck of a candy.

I laugh, you laugh. We juxtapose in our own chimera.

The illusion of what we are. Of what we worth.

The truth is we never put ourselves in our each milieu.

We are clueless. Silently.

I thought our fate were intertwined. You thought our tenets were profoundly adhered.

It did not. We were bereft of us. 

Time accentuate what we did not think of us.

Exuberance gone.

Us disbarred.

Ceasefire.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Among all young adult in the world, I guess I deserve to be asked this kind of question. Because I'm lame.

If I weren't afraid, I would ride Battlestar Galactica. Both Human and Cylon. I would do parasailing. I would ride scary roller coasters I have avoided all this time.

If I weren't afraid, I would express my emotion as it is. I would stop bottling down my feelings.

If I weren't afraid, I would quit my previous job as soon as I realised it wasn't worth that much.

If I weren't afraid, I would record myself singing and let people hear.

If I weren't afraid, I would marry someone and believe myself that I can cope with a serious long-term commitment.

If I weren't afraid, I would move to another town or even country and start my own life there from scratch.

If I weren't afraid, I would spend all my savings to wander around the world. Or else, I would spend all my savings to buy a car.

If I weren't afraid, I would say no to many chances given.

If I weren't afraid, I would swim in the ocean.

If I weren't afraid, I would cook fishes and eat them. Bare hands.

If I weren't afraid, I would do my postgrad in prominent university in United States.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Casual Sunday

Let's chill and talk about cute subject. I didn't know how I ended up clicking this website, but hey, I found the cute section of baby names! I instantly remember my fourth grader self playing this game with my friends (elementary school rocks), writing down my imaginary baby names and comparing it to my friends. It doesn't mean that I was intentionally wanted to make a baby a.s.a.p (that would be terrifying) but it is cute to think or explore many baby names. So here it is a mini-list of several names that catch my eyes.

Aiden: A fiery one.
Revenge (american tv series) must be a prominent influence. Aiden is a cool, good-looking, sweet-hearted, and awesome guy there.

Alik: Helper of the man.
I love the consonant K there. Anti-mainstream form of Ali.

Audrick: Noble ruler
Well.. Audry is my boyfriend and people been mistaken him as a woman for his whole life because of his name. But I can't deny that I actually like the name. So I adore the idea of adding the -ick that makes it more masculine.

Dimka: Universal
It is so unique I never meet anyone name Dimka yet.

Kala: God of Time
Though this name is getting more mainstream, I still love the simplistic touch, deep meaning, and literal approach of this one.

Rakin: Respectful, firm, steady, confident
I can imagine people smile towards a baby name Rakin and call him "Rakin" with a cute tone. Imaginary game is so strong here.

Adena: Noble, delicate
This catch my eyes. Little Adena dancing around. Little Adena teasing her brother.

Aisha: Lively
Who doesn't know this name? Evergreen. Cute. Love it.

Catia: Pure
I imagine a grown up Catia as an a independent woman who true to herself. She is such an inspiration for her surroundings. What.

Inka: Hero's daughter
People, let's use this name for our daughter to praise yourself as parents. Lol.

Malika: Queen
This one is definitely familiar, but I don't care. It's phonetically beautiful.

Nava: Pretty
I have to search a deeper meaning for her surname though. But Nava is cute and unlikely used by people.

Tayla: She has been seen
It is hard to erase this name from this list and pretend I don't like it. But poor baby if she has to struggle with Indonesian bully who spell her name T-A-I-L-A. What a dilemma. Whatever. She will be a cute Tayla.


Bonus, here is the most absurd name I found. I don't know if there is actually human using this:

NEEHEEOEEWOOTIS
meaning: hacked back wolf. 
I know right.

Shaytards

One post before this, I mentioned that I religiously watch many youtube channels specifically in family theme. One thing I realised is I really am obsessed with family matters. Remember my undergraduate thesis about child care policy in Norway? Children, family, parents, and its relationships really got my attention. Wow. I should have majoring psychology back then. (I'm six years late for considering these things) (And still, the major I'm going to take for postgrad isn't related at all with subjects mentioned. What do I do with my life?)

This time I want to write down some difference of how this family raise their kids compared to general fact here or even my own experience. I picked one of the best (and the first, apparently) family vlog channel in youtube.

1. Dependance of Mbak
Talk about middle-upper class family, kids in here are generally not familiar with household tasks or chores. They got their clothes clean and folded effortlessly, food served, and room cleaned. It is very amusing for me to see how Shay and Collete educate their kids to be responsible and take part in household tasks. I like to see how the kids pack their own lunch, help their mom to take care of the younger siblings, take out trash, clean their own room, or even do the laundry. You might not find it in every episode (yeah I told you that I have binge-watched enough this channel so that I can make a writing out of it), but I see those activities done naturally in the background of the vlog from year to year (they have been vlogging their life since 2008, fyi). They are rich as hell but the kids don't even depend themselves to Mbak to make indomi. Kidding. There's no indomi yet in their vlog.

2. Encouragement
Shay and Collete rarely discourage their kids to do things unless it is very dangerous and could harm their kids. I found it very inspiring. The kids become brave and daring, in a good way. Though the level of brave is different from one kid to the others, still, they have a good foundation for being fearless. I instantly recalled my own experience when I was little when I'm watching them. I constantly heard many discouragement from ih jangan kesitu, takut, takut nanti ada nenek sihir to ih jangan takut jatoh that stop me to do many things. I don't regret my own childhood tho, cause I knew the reason of the discouragement is because my parents love me that much. But in the future, if I have a chance to raise my own kids, I prefer Shay and Collete way in terms of encouragement. Fly, jump, climb, run, try.

3. Physical Activities
To some extent, this is correlated with the point before. Seven years old Avia can do back flip on a grass. The kids do run one mile with their dad once a while. It is a rare thing here to see kids involve in a physical activities with their own parents. They don't have to be athlete tho. And they don't have to be skinny! (interesting huh) The most important thing is that they are physically active. I'm sad if I see any kids who are prohibited to run here and there. Then what they are supposed to do? Sit tight forever and play video game? Sad.

4. Communication
You should watch this episode (7:06) to see how they build their communication with the kids. It is so cute and touching at the same time. Argh. Communication goals. It is so frustrating for me every time I have to talk with my own parents. Because we don't talk that much and I always think, from the very beginning of my teenage-hood, that they didn't get me. Now I write in one point of view as kid because I can't talk about being parents, I'm not there yet. It becomes more frustrating even when I become an adult. Problems in life become so complicated and I need someone to turn into. In the state I am now, I can't talk with my own parents about my problems unless it is very urgent. I think most of my friends are in the similar condition. I want my future kids to feel that there is actually someone trusted who always available for them to turn into. Because I know that life is sometimes mean. Very mean.

Well, that is my simple observation about one of my favourite youtube channel. Four difference highlighted. Out of topic, if you are interested to know about child adoption (which is a very awesome knowledge) (I myself just found it today) watch this one and thank me later.

15 Minutes Challenge

Ok so lately I have a very unproductive life. It has a quite complicated background story and I will tell you how I can get to the point where I decided to do this challenge.

In the end of February, my bosses decided to work-holiday-ing all of their staffs. The main cause is, I would say, because of the insufficient funding situation. Long story short, I got a work-holiday for almost one month. Work-holiday definition itself for me, or at least for us because our bosses told us so, is the phase while you don't have to come to the office but your boss will still pay you a minimum wage of your salary. It is somehow amusing for the first week. Because you could wake up late, stay up late, and don't have to deal with serious thing or being responsible for anything. Though of course you still have to finish what you started before this work-holiday subject came up. The first week is indeed a honeymoon phase. I can tell you that in my real work situation, I have to get up early in the morning and by seven o'clock I should have ready to go, or else I would be late. I barely got a six or five hours to sleep and feel constantly exhausted. So when I got the work-holiday, first thing that came to my mind was I really want to sleep as long as I can. I slept really well for the first week but then I got confused with what I am going to do with my life next.

The amusing phase is gone and next thing I know is I binge watch many tv series. Scandal, fresh off the boats, grey's anatomy, suits, house of cards, 2 broke girls, suits, reply 1988 (Korean), girl meets world, et cetera. Not only tv series, I'm also being a loyal spectator of many youtubers. I subscribed to many new channel I knew, and watch them religiously. Shaytards and his family (caseylavere, carliestyle, katillete, loganmckay, the mom's view), the fine brothers of course, amazingphil, claudia sulewski, and other random youtubers who do the vlogging or doing creative things. I can tell that my sense of humour has been shift to be more crappier than ever. I was very keen to watch or listen to other people's stories, mostly about family life. Itunes podcast and audiobook also got my attention.

Why did I said that the amusing phase is gone? Because although I watch or listen to many good series or podcast, deep in my heart I feel like I'm wasting my time. I am young. I am capable of many things. But instead of work for a living or do something to change the world, there I am with my laptop in bed. The feeling of being unneeded was strong and it ruins myself day to day. I used to be someone who always useful in every situation I faced. Whether it is in school, college, or work. People need me and I am happy to be someone who helped. I am happy to be needed and do the extra work. It may sounds silly but it is what it is.

One month passed by and guess what, almost all of the staffs were called to be back to the office excluded me and several staffs. The reason why I wasn't being a part who were called back is because I will be gone in the next five months (September) to do my master degree and the office couldn't afford someone who won't be there until at least December due to projects reason. The reason was very logical and my bosses explained it very well. I was disappointed a little (not because of their decision, but more because I have to accept the fact that I'm no longer have a job. Like, it startled me a bit for awhile), but it will be very rude of me if I'm still complaining because, dude you got a scholarship, you got accepted at university you want to, what more you want to ask for, you little brat (me talking to myself).

Right when they told me those things, one of my boss requested me to help her finish several articles and book, she aims to submit the manuscripts to international journal. She said that generally every senior scholar have assistant, and she want to have one at least before I go. I found the request very challenging and without second guessing my own judgement I say yes, I want to help. So that was the clear beginning of this challenge.

Because the work itself is to help her write, I basically have no office hour or physical office to go. I have to set my own schedule, write my own to do list, and supervise myself. My boss is a very busy person in the entire world I would say. She is the type of person who could be in Papua today and have to be in Aceh tomorrow, or have breakfast in Jogja, lunch in Sulawesi, dinner at home, you know what I'm saying. The fate of those articles/book are in my hand.

The turning point is, I think I misjudge myself. I think that I am capable of disciplining myself but I am not. I missed my own deadline and lost in the forest of literature. The feeling is like when you work on your thesis and you stuck and you don't know what to do then you stop writing. Except this isn't only for myself and I am the one who said I can help before. I've been stop writing for almost two weeks and this kind of stuck and lost feeling kill me everyday.

I found out that one of the reason that leads me to this abyss of negative feeling is my bad habit. I didn't write that much after I graduated. I procrastinate and I mess up my priority. I procrastinate because I always think that my writing has to be perfect. It has to be written in the perfect timing, perfect place, using rich and perfect literature, and the result must be perfect. The thought makes me so terrified to write. I realised now that I have to embrace the imperfection and just start to write. So by the realisation of this, I challenge myself to write at least 15 minutes per day in this blog. It would help me to deliver my thought in a written form. I don't know when the challenge will ended, maybe for the rest of my life (exaggeration alert), but I know that it starts now, today.

I want to get my old habit to write. Because I know that my speaking sucks but I have at least a little chance to success in writing.

I (finally) decided to share

I do not know how to write in a fun and cheerful mode anymore. I do not know how this could happened and why. I constantly think that the world isn't fine, especially in my own land. It disturbs me every damn day. I feel small not because I am trapped in my sad little world. Heck I don't really care with my little story anymore, boyfriend, friendship, family matters. People flawed, nobody's life is perfect, I whined enough my whole life. I feel small because I've seen world in the cruelest form through my everyday job. Even in the finest moment I can't really be a naive Tita anymore. So bear with this stony kind of post.

I have enough reason to retain my possession of learning in order to keep myself sane. Therefore I decided, galvanized myself, to pursue my higher education abroad. I found haven in knowledge. Knowledge made me despaired and addicted in the same time. It is bizzare but I just can't let myself sink in industrial world and leave the nerdy world. Though I am not kidding myself that maybe someday I will. 

I intended to write this post to share how I made it possible to pursue a higher education abroad. Because what I did before I apply to any scholarship was browsing personal experiences of people who made it before me. I measured myself. Am I deserve to achieve what they have achieved, is my motivation strong enough to persuade people to pay my tuition fee, what is my payback to the society if I ever made it (study abroad) with public's money. As an adult we should know very well that there's no such thing as free breakfast.

Put aside luck factor in this matter. Sure you would feel that your prayer is more powerful than anything. But darling, your prayer is just a weak weapon if you only hold onto it and do nothing more. Not that I am not a religious person, I am. But what I am saying is people often blaming fate, and in this context, God, to justify their laziness. Just do not be like one. I think this is the very first step.

The next step is to ask yourself the hardest question. Why pursue another degree? Why abroad? Why? Is it because you do not want to be left behind because your friends are study abroad too? Because it sounds so cool that you could put your entire years on your social media and get much attention? Or what? Is it truly your call? It is important to answer the questions with the most naked form of reaction of yourself. When you being honest with yourself and have the motivation that come from you, not others, you will have an indescribable comfort and energy to fight for what you want, to face the rocky road ahead. 

The next thing is you have to build your argument. The world does not revolve around you. Who would bother getting what you want if it is just because you want to? The case is rather different if you have enough money to fund yourself. Analyse yourself like playing a puzzle. What major you want to take, is it match with your previous track-record, if it is in fact not, what argument you have to match it, what proof that you have to tell the funding sources that you are a reliable and committed person, what will you do next right after graduation, what will you do next in the long term, emphasise your strength and embrace your weakness like you really know yourself. This puzzle-playing is not an instant process. I spent nearly one year trying to form the puzzle of mine, pieces to pieces. I found it more important even than those overprice language courses. I want to remind all dearly readers to not too focus on technical matters then leave the critical point behind.  

It is not a linear process because somehow along the puzzle-playing you better conduct a mini research about the scholarships you want to apply. The opportunity out there is like fish in the sea. There are plenty. I made an excel sheet consists of the list of scholarship I interested in, including the deadlines, requirements, types of scholarship, the links that redirect to the website, et cetera. It helps me to determine what should I do at the moment and prepare myself for the worst. If I failed in one scholarship, I know that I still have sufficient amount of opportunity so that I would not be devastated from the beginning, let alone wasting my time playing victim.    

When you put your critical point on mind, or at least you are already in the process of seeking those pieces, it is time to put attention on the technical matters. The greatest barrier I experienced myself is language. I am not grew up in an english literate family, I never spend my time abroad to study or work, I do not have much chance to use english, heck when I grew up all english courses was too expensive for me I never bother to think about. If you have more or less the same condition as I am, then do not lose hope. There is a thing called autodidact. A self-taught. And it has to start now. Will you be surprised if I tell you that I never took an IELTS/TOEFL course ever? Because hey, it is english. You can find it anywhere you want to. Familiarise yourself through journals, books, movies, tv series, songs, games, anything. In IELTS context, my teachers are my friends who took those courses and those who effortlessly spoke english fluently, my reference books are downloaded for free, my curriculum is designed by myself. You need no penny. Only strong willingness and commitment to learn. So if you excuse yourself because of your financial situation blocking you to take those overprice courses, you already lose the battle without fighting. Once again, do not lose hope. Use me as the living proof. The case might be different for other language like Deutsch, Mandarin, Arabic, et cetera. 

After the puzzle done and technical matters resolved. Apply the scholarship you want with attention to detail. Make sure you read all the requirements and instructions so you do not ask an unnecessary question. Because trust me, you do not want to look stupid in the eye of beholder.

Make sure things. Do you have to get the Letter of Acceptance from the university before you apply or not? Which english test do you have to get, is it TOEFL, IELTS, or what kind of test? Is paper based allowed or should it be an internet based? Is GRE needed? Should you spare plenty of time to ask for letter of references? How many essay you should make? How many legal document you have to provide? Should it be translated by sworn translator? This should be done by your mini research mentioned above. Win this uphill battle.  

The next battle is the real-time challenge phase, whether it is interview, group discussion, psychology test, and so on. This phase will reveal the truest form of yourself. If you are already finished your puzzle, I do not think you have to worry anymore. You will get the confidence because you know who you are, why you took this battle, what will you do next, how you reach the goals you aspire. The only task is just being who you are and let the jurors decide whether or not you deserve to be the one they pour their funding to. Get a good breakfast, wear your best attire. 

If you are succeed. Remember that it is just a small accomplishment comparing to all people who have actually made world a better place.  

If you are failed. Open your excel file, get another battle if you really want this thing to happen. 

If you are curious about what scholarship I got or have more detail questions about studying abroad, especially UK, do not hesitate to contact me through titaadelia@gmail.com. I wrote here to help as much as I can. 

Sincerely,

Tita Adelia