I started to realise that the kind of relationship I need now is a friendly companion and nothing more. And the decision I agreed on two months ago is, if brilliant is too strong, right.
I might weep about how being single has a detrimental effect on my own self-esteem. How I felt worthless knowing that someone whom I wholeheartedly adored is no longer interested in the time that I've invested nor the things that I said. How I felt like a failure to finally just walk out. How I felt disappointed with myself, with him, with the circumstances, with everything. How I felt the negativity consumed me.
Yes, I might weep thousand times like a little girl lost her candy. Her only sweet candy she owns. Or a little girl lost her balloon. That fly high up in the air in a second she did not have a chance to grasp.
But then I think, what does it take to make me that sad?
Is it because of the solid loneliness, I no longer have someone to share trivial things anymore?
Is it because of the status, you know, being single signifies that you are not as 'valuable' as those who owns a partner in a social context?
Is it because of the shattered expectations of the future?
What is it about?
The loneliness, to some extent, yes. But then I realised that I actually have friends to talk to, to share stupid things with. They are there, exist, alive. I have many people whom I overlooked for when I was too busy with my own little bubble. I don't really have a plausible excuse to prolong the sadness for the loneliness reason. In addition, I also am an introvert that, in fact, pretty much enjoy solitude.
The status? Probably the dumbest reason to be sad.
Shattered expectations? Well, life does surprise people in so many ways, maybe this is my thing. My expectations might have shattered in this matter, but on the other hand, there are many things happened beyond my expectations. And that's kinda outweighed the former.
Right now when I am typing this post, I feel nothing but liberated.
Liberation is a good feeling, the feeling of freedom, relieved. Unimpeded.
I can feel the airy space, the vast emptiness that clear my head.
I feel the power of being myself, without having to be associated with anyone to be defined.
I may still crack a joke about how I want to find 'the one' or mock 'the singleness' as a funny epithet.
But honestly, the idea of amorous relationship gives goosebumps down my spine. At least for now.
I'm currently in the pinnacle of my ego. I'm in the state that I don't wanna be owned by someone nor I own someone. I don't want to be 'in charge' of someone else's happiness again, nor I depend mine on someone. I don't want to compromise nor being the reason for someone to compromise.
I enjoy make friends with new people, get in touch with old friends, get closer with inner circles. I am kinda referring my social relationship now with a notion of no strings attached. Because, you know, if anyone wants to be kind to me then be kind, do not expect anything in return. I do the same way. I never knew that life's easier this way.
The decision I made two months ago is right. I had spent most of my early adulthood not experiencing the feeling I felt in the last two months. Of clarity. Of liberation. I shift my focus on me. Only me. If I occasionally want to have a person who can instantly reply my stupid text, share my trivial complaints about life, eat together, watch a movie together, all I need is a friend and nothing more. And I do have them. At least I think I have. So I guess I'm done with all the sorrow.
Now for all the lone wolf out there, please do not let yourself defined by how no one wants to be your special someone. Please do not let yourself drown in the misery of being lonely. Please do not depend your happiness on whom you are not with. You matter more than that. Being with someone is not an achievement. Nor it is the solution for all of your issues. It's just a differentiation of a life pathway.
And indeed, the grass is always greener on the other side.
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