“You ain’t gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here. (He gestures to the palm of his hand). I’d hold you up to say to your mother, ‘This kid’s gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid’s gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew.’ And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watchin’ you, every day was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started lookin’ for something to blame, like a big shadow.

Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.

Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that.

I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.“

Rocky Balboa to his son.

Being in Something I Thought I Never Would

I remember clearly. When we were clueless and naive. I once said.

"I would rather break up than have to be in a long distance relationship."

I remember he asked why. And I said.

"I don't believe in a long distance relationship. It won't work. I don't wanna break up with someone via skype or e-mail. It's silly."

I remember clearly he wasn't hundred percent agree. And yet we don't mind. It was just a trivia question for us anyway.



Until it wasn't.

I remember clearly the day I missed class because I chose to meet him. It was the day that we both knew he was gonna leave soon. We both knew what lies ahead us. We both knew.

We had lunch in Yoshinoya Blok M. He asked.

"So are we breaking up now?"

"I don't know." I said.

"I don't want to."

"I know."

"Then don't."

We finally decided to try.

At that day, we were fine.

At that very day, we were in the kind of relationship that worth trying.

Be the success story you’re looking for. Be the ones to survive your long distance relationship. Be the inspiration for others to follow.

I told myself.


One year and five months.

365+150 = 515 days.

Minus two freakin weeks.

515 - 14 = 501 days.

501 days of not seeing each other.


Long distance relationship is the cruelest form of love.

You lost someone. But you don't deserve to grief.
Without ever went through denial, anger, bargaining, or depression stage. You have to be in acceptance stage at a blink of an eye.

You try to convince yourself. But you are in doubt every day.

You smile when every little things, even one ugly corner of your office, remind you of him. But in the next two seconds you realized how pathetic it is.

You think he miss you like you do. But he may as well simply forget you.


501 days.

I trapped in something I thought I never would.

A Problem That Has No Name: Choices Mothers' Have

Yesterday's social media was full of excitement of people expressing their love for their mom. Cute pictures, touchy captions. No I'm not gonna badmouthing people who were simply expressing their love. It is sweet and understandable. They are proud of their mom. We ought to.

In my own timeline I didn't post any picture nor word about mother's day. I happened to not have those fancy relationship with mom. We love each other in a way only us understand. 

Yesterday's social media got me thinking about mother itself. About women who decided to have kid(s). About how limited their choices are once they become mother. 

My mother gave up her job long time ago. Now she has no life other than being mom. She is a very definition of domesticated women. To some extent, it is a good deal. The choice that she choose might be the reason why my family stick together up till now. My mother gave up her ego. She sacrifice herself for us. 

Who watch Grey's Anatomy here? Raise your hand. Remember in Season 5 Miranda Bailey has a big fight with her husband because she got too busy at the hospital? I realized how complicated it is to be a gifted mother. Mother with capability to be taken seriously by society other than being mom. 

She has to work her ass off to be good at both. Being mom and being a surgeon.

This one below is an old archive of mine. See a woman with toddler on her lap? She is Licia Ronzulli, European Parliament member who took her daughter to work in 2010. I always remember one of its comment on the article: "Ridiculous. Not a daycare center. This woman either needs a lot of attention or is very irresponsible". 

Being mom and being a member of parliament.

It is generally okay for fathers to be busy outside home. When it comes to mothers, it is not okay at all. They would be considered as 'irresponsible' because they have 'neglected' their role to take care their child. Any self-realization of mothers must not that brilliant it could disturb their role as mom. 

This 'little' thing is what bothered me. Women rarely recognized as a whole person. Women rarely seen as a whole person who also need self-fulfillment. A whole person who have their own voice, thought, and need to be heard and taken seriously. Women is women, they have their own responsibilities taken for granted.

What's going on here is, I believe, patriarchal family order that persist. Women often lose control over future after they perform their reproduction roles. After they become pregnant, give birth, and being caregivers, women have lack of future choices compared to men. 

Thus, I always praise Scandinavian countries that has pioneered the transformation of parenthood into political issues. States has the necessity to politicizing the private sphere to undermine the patriarchal family order. Norwegian scientist Helga Hernes introduced a women-friendly state concept when she tried to describe a gender phenomenon in Scandinavia. This matter has steal my attention for a year. It is somehow became a hidden dream of mine, make my own country to be, in some degree, a woman-friendly state.

“A woman-friendly state would not force harder choices on women than on men, or permit unjust treatment on the basis of sex. In a woman-friendly state women will continue to have children, yet there will also be other roads to self-realization open to them. In such a state women will not have to choose futures that demand greater sacrifices from them than are expected of men. It would be, in short, a state where injustice on the basis of gender would be largely eliminated without an increase in other forms of inequality, such as among groups of women.” (Hernes, 1987)

Women are powerless but full of responsibilities. 

In this very matter, I think no any celebration needed.

Reference: Hernes, Helga. (1987) Welfare State and Woman Power. Essays in State Feminism. Vojens: Norwegian University Press: 15.

Merhaba

See you in winter

Adieu

*It took 10 minutes for me deciding what sentence to open this post.*

*Like we all see, it ended up with this. And the picture above.*

*What a lame writing ability I have.*

Waddup people?

When I said waddup I feel like Agnes Monica. Hashtag agnezmo. Hashtag intlsinger. Hashtag fttimbaland. I see you lookin at my curves. Coke bottle. 

But really, it was my pure intention to ask what is up now, people?

Because yea, because I deleted all mobile application for social media in my phone. He. He. 

Why Tita? Why in this era you choose to didn't have twitter, path, and instagram in your phone? Could you even live??

Of course I can. Or else this is corpse typing. Hashtag creepy.

There are several reason on why I deleted em. One main reason is because I was way too distracted with them all. I could scroll with no purpose for an hour or more. And the other reason is.. You know, comparison is the thief of joy. With them in my hand, I constantly compare myself with others. Which some point is good. But I found that I couldn't really handle the negative side. The thief. Of joy. Most of my friends have a decent life. A noble achievement. A superb career path. Well.. Out of my league. Though I know everything is never as it seems, but it's really hard to be grateful if what you see everyday is the parade of what-you-can't-reach-what-you-never-even-had-a-chance-to-experience. And I avoid to be that thief myself. The second other reason is because I missed books. I don't know why I can't handle myself in this situation. I, of course, choose to scroll timeline rather than reading books. With all my social media deleted in my gadget, when I'm bored I open nothing but e-book reader. And games. Lol. (Not a gamer type of person, it won't last longer than 10 minutes for me to play games). 

Thanks to google alerts, I still could catch up with news clips I intend everyday. Yay?

From now on, I hope I made a right decision and could be more focus with things I want to give. Things I want to achieve.

Oh and the picture above, I portray myself in the airport of life. I have to choose which plane I want to fly by. Or I could go home. No one would intervene anymore anyway. See? Few people passing by. But I'm all alone. Everyone is alone in their own. 

I'm in the intersection of life. 

This is just a warm up post. See you again in the next rant.

Much love (you deserve it),

Tita Adelia 

Picture taken from: personal documentation.