I (finally) decided to share

I do not know how to write in a fun and cheerful mode anymore. I do not know how this could happened and why. I constantly think that the world isn't fine, especially in my own land. It disturbs me every damn day. I feel small not because I am trapped in my sad little world. Heck I don't really care with my little story anymore, boyfriend, friendship, family matters. People flawed, nobody's life is perfect, I whined enough my whole life. I feel small because I've seen world in the cruelest form through my everyday job. Even in the finest moment I can't really be a naive Tita anymore. So bear with this stony kind of post.

I have enough reason to retain my possession of learning in order to keep myself sane. Therefore I decided, galvanized myself, to pursue my higher education abroad. I found haven in knowledge. Knowledge made me despaired and addicted in the same time. It is bizzare but I just can't let myself sink in industrial world and leave the nerdy world. Though I am not kidding myself that maybe someday I will. 

I intended to write this post to share how I made it possible to pursue a higher education abroad. Because what I did before I apply to any scholarship was browsing personal experiences of people who made it before me. I measured myself. Am I deserve to achieve what they have achieved, is my motivation strong enough to persuade people to pay my tuition fee, what is my payback to the society if I ever made it (study abroad) with public's money. As an adult we should know very well that there's no such thing as free breakfast.

Put aside luck factor in this matter. Sure you would feel that your prayer is more powerful than anything. But darling, your prayer is just a weak weapon if you only hold onto it and do nothing more. Not that I am not a religious person, I am. But what I am saying is people often blaming fate, and in this context, God, to justify their laziness. Just do not be like one. I think this is the very first step.

The next step is to ask yourself the hardest question. Why pursue another degree? Why abroad? Why? Is it because you do not want to be left behind because your friends are study abroad too? Because it sounds so cool that you could put your entire years on your social media and get much attention? Or what? Is it truly your call? It is important to answer the questions with the most naked form of reaction of yourself. When you being honest with yourself and have the motivation that come from you, not others, you will have an indescribable comfort and energy to fight for what you want, to face the rocky road ahead. 

The next thing is you have to build your argument. The world does not revolve around you. Who would bother getting what you want if it is just because you want to? The case is rather different if you have enough money to fund yourself. Analyse yourself like playing a puzzle. What major you want to take, is it match with your previous track-record, if it is in fact not, what argument you have to match it, what proof that you have to tell the funding sources that you are a reliable and committed person, what will you do next right after graduation, what will you do next in the long term, emphasise your strength and embrace your weakness like you really know yourself. This puzzle-playing is not an instant process. I spent nearly one year trying to form the puzzle of mine, pieces to pieces. I found it more important even than those overprice language courses. I want to remind all dearly readers to not too focus on technical matters then leave the critical point behind.  

It is not a linear process because somehow along the puzzle-playing you better conduct a mini research about the scholarships you want to apply. The opportunity out there is like fish in the sea. There are plenty. I made an excel sheet consists of the list of scholarship I interested in, including the deadlines, requirements, types of scholarship, the links that redirect to the website, et cetera. It helps me to determine what should I do at the moment and prepare myself for the worst. If I failed in one scholarship, I know that I still have sufficient amount of opportunity so that I would not be devastated from the beginning, let alone wasting my time playing victim.    

When you put your critical point on mind, or at least you are already in the process of seeking those pieces, it is time to put attention on the technical matters. The greatest barrier I experienced myself is language. I am not grew up in an english literate family, I never spend my time abroad to study or work, I do not have much chance to use english, heck when I grew up all english courses was too expensive for me I never bother to think about. If you have more or less the same condition as I am, then do not lose hope. There is a thing called autodidact. A self-taught. And it has to start now. Will you be surprised if I tell you that I never took an IELTS/TOEFL course ever? Because hey, it is english. You can find it anywhere you want to. Familiarise yourself through journals, books, movies, tv series, songs, games, anything. In IELTS context, my teachers are my friends who took those courses and those who effortlessly spoke english fluently, my reference books are downloaded for free, my curriculum is designed by myself. You need no penny. Only strong willingness and commitment to learn. So if you excuse yourself because of your financial situation blocking you to take those overprice courses, you already lose the battle without fighting. Once again, do not lose hope. Use me as the living proof. The case might be different for other language like Deutsch, Mandarin, Arabic, et cetera. 

After the puzzle done and technical matters resolved. Apply the scholarship you want with attention to detail. Make sure you read all the requirements and instructions so you do not ask an unnecessary question. Because trust me, you do not want to look stupid in the eye of beholder.

Make sure things. Do you have to get the Letter of Acceptance from the university before you apply or not? Which english test do you have to get, is it TOEFL, IELTS, or what kind of test? Is paper based allowed or should it be an internet based? Is GRE needed? Should you spare plenty of time to ask for letter of references? How many essay you should make? How many legal document you have to provide? Should it be translated by sworn translator? This should be done by your mini research mentioned above. Win this uphill battle.  

The next battle is the real-time challenge phase, whether it is interview, group discussion, psychology test, and so on. This phase will reveal the truest form of yourself. If you are already finished your puzzle, I do not think you have to worry anymore. You will get the confidence because you know who you are, why you took this battle, what will you do next, how you reach the goals you aspire. The only task is just being who you are and let the jurors decide whether or not you deserve to be the one they pour their funding to. Get a good breakfast, wear your best attire. 

If you are succeed. Remember that it is just a small accomplishment comparing to all people who have actually made world a better place.  

If you are failed. Open your excel file, get another battle if you really want this thing to happen. 

If you are curious about what scholarship I got or have more detail questions about studying abroad, especially UK, do not hesitate to contact me through titaadelia@gmail.com. I wrote here to help as much as I can. 

Sincerely,

Tita Adelia

“You ain’t gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here. (He gestures to the palm of his hand). I’d hold you up to say to your mother, ‘This kid’s gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid’s gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew.’ And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watchin’ you, every day was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started lookin’ for something to blame, like a big shadow.

Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.

Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that.

I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.“

Rocky Balboa to his son.

Being in Something I Thought I Never Would

I remember clearly. When we were clueless and naive. I once said.

"I would rather break up than have to be in a long distance relationship."

I remember he asked why. And I said.

"I don't believe in a long distance relationship. It won't work. I don't wanna break up with someone via skype or e-mail. It's silly."

I remember clearly he wasn't hundred percent agree. And yet we don't mind. It was just a trivia question for us anyway.



Until it wasn't.

I remember clearly the day I missed class because I chose to meet him. It was the day that we both knew he was gonna leave soon. We both knew what lies ahead us. We both knew.

We had lunch in Yoshinoya Blok M. He asked.

"So are we breaking up now?"

"I don't know." I said.

"I don't want to."

"I know."

"Then don't."

We finally decided to try.

At that day, we were fine.

At that very day, we were in the kind of relationship that worth trying.

Be the success story you’re looking for. Be the ones to survive your long distance relationship. Be the inspiration for others to follow.

I told myself.


One year and five months.

365+150 = 515 days.

Minus two freakin weeks.

515 - 14 = 501 days.

501 days of not seeing each other.


Long distance relationship is the cruelest form of love.

You lost someone. But you don't deserve to grief.
Without ever went through denial, anger, bargaining, or depression stage. You have to be in acceptance stage at a blink of an eye.

You try to convince yourself. But you are in doubt every day.

You smile when every little things, even one ugly corner of your office, remind you of him. But in the next two seconds you realized how pathetic it is.

You think he miss you like you do. But he may as well simply forget you.


501 days.

I trapped in something I thought I never would.

A Problem That Has No Name: Choices Mothers' Have

Yesterday's social media was full of excitement of people expressing their love for their mom. Cute pictures, touchy captions. No I'm not gonna badmouthing people who were simply expressing their love. It is sweet and understandable. They are proud of their mom. We ought to.

In my own timeline I didn't post any picture nor word about mother's day. I happened to not have those fancy relationship with mom. We love each other in a way only us understand. 

Yesterday's social media got me thinking about mother itself. About women who decided to have kid(s). About how limited their choices are once they become mother. 

My mother gave up her job long time ago. Now she has no life other than being mom. She is a very definition of domesticated women. To some extent, it is a good deal. The choice that she choose might be the reason why my family stick together up till now. My mother gave up her ego. She sacrifice herself for us. 

Who watch Grey's Anatomy here? Raise your hand. Remember in Season 5 Miranda Bailey has a big fight with her husband because she got too busy at the hospital? I realized how complicated it is to be a gifted mother. Mother with capability to be taken seriously by society other than being mom. 

She has to work her ass off to be good at both. Being mom and being a surgeon.

This one below is an old archive of mine. See a woman with toddler on her lap? She is Licia Ronzulli, European Parliament member who took her daughter to work in 2010. I always remember one of its comment on the article: "Ridiculous. Not a daycare center. This woman either needs a lot of attention or is very irresponsible". 

Being mom and being a member of parliament.

It is generally okay for fathers to be busy outside home. When it comes to mothers, it is not okay at all. They would be considered as 'irresponsible' because they have 'neglected' their role to take care their child. Any self-realization of mothers must not that brilliant it could disturb their role as mom. 

This 'little' thing is what bothered me. Women rarely recognized as a whole person. Women rarely seen as a whole person who also need self-fulfillment. A whole person who have their own voice, thought, and need to be heard and taken seriously. Women is women, they have their own responsibilities taken for granted.

What's going on here is, I believe, patriarchal family order that persist. Women often lose control over future after they perform their reproduction roles. After they become pregnant, give birth, and being caregivers, women have lack of future choices compared to men. 

Thus, I always praise Scandinavian countries that has pioneered the transformation of parenthood into political issues. States has the necessity to politicizing the private sphere to undermine the patriarchal family order. Norwegian scientist Helga Hernes introduced a women-friendly state concept when she tried to describe a gender phenomenon in Scandinavia. This matter has steal my attention for a year. It is somehow became a hidden dream of mine, make my own country to be, in some degree, a woman-friendly state.

“A woman-friendly state would not force harder choices on women than on men, or permit unjust treatment on the basis of sex. In a woman-friendly state women will continue to have children, yet there will also be other roads to self-realization open to them. In such a state women will not have to choose futures that demand greater sacrifices from them than are expected of men. It would be, in short, a state where injustice on the basis of gender would be largely eliminated without an increase in other forms of inequality, such as among groups of women.” (Hernes, 1987)

Women are powerless but full of responsibilities. 

In this very matter, I think no any celebration needed.

Reference: Hernes, Helga. (1987) Welfare State and Woman Power. Essays in State Feminism. Vojens: Norwegian University Press: 15.

Merhaba

See you in winter