9 May 2019

I never feel the need to distinguish one type of love from another. But in order to evolve as an individual, we actually need to label what we feel and experience. As time goes by, the ability to determine which state we're in or what feeling we're experiencing will help us perceive our life better. It gives a satisfying illusion that we're in control.

Not until I encountered the concept of twin flames, the urge to write our short beautiful journey ever emerged.

When I came across the concept, I immediately got an epiphany on what I've been trying to make sense.

Me and him, we never really share our past together. But I feel like I've known him all along. I feel like he knows me better than anyone who've been actually knowing me for a longer time. The familiarity that creeps beneath his presence is filling me with awe.

In fact, we have already met. But we overlooked each other. We weren't that receptive at that time. I'm busy with my own, not at all conscious of the people I met. Though I must admit that our quick rendezvous effortlessly stored in my cortex as long-term memory.

Our reunion happened out of the blue. At that state, I was plain tired. Not really heart-broken but a little bit wrecked by inexplicable grief.

And talking to him feels like home. I'm fully aware that we were magnetically attracted to each other. The attractiveness is beyond physical. It's an immediate connection that appealing to the senses. Resonate with on the deepest level.

Every time we're together, I'm able to be just my authentic-self far from the fear of rejection. In a world full of pretentious judgement, it is such a safe place to be in.

So yeah. Twin Flames.

Originated in Plato's mythic dialogue "The Symposium", it implies that we all have one twin soul out there in the world. Different from a soul mate, the purpose of the twin flame relationship is greater than themselves.

I always feel like I don't need others to complete me. And it's true.
We don't complete each other. Our souls are already complete on their own.
We exist to catalyze the wholeness that has always been inside of us.

We're driven towards a higher purpose to achieve together. Raising conscious children. Constantly improve ourselves. Towards the world full of compassion, tranquillity, and love.

We are bonded but free, attached but unattached.

There are many types of love that human capable of having. I love many humans throughout my life but this one has no similar comparison.

Twin Flames. I've found mine.

"To be shown love is to feel ourselves the object of concern. Our presence is noted, our name is registered, our views are listened to, our failings are treated with indulgence and our needs are ministered to. And under such care, we flourish."
Alain de Botton

I found the perfect sentences to describe what I feel lately.

And this time, it makes me thrive. Flourish.

Not the other way.

Dari Sisi Aku

Why is it that sometimes people have feelings towards each other, but never end up together?

Rasa tidak dapat dienyahkan. Tapi dapat dijejaki. Diurai pelan-pelan. Hingga akhirnya sadar aku tidak lagi menyelam. Aku sudah kembali di daratan.

Begitulah mungkin yang terjadi sebulan kemarin. Sebulan yang bisaku bilang adalah penuh dengan keajaiban. Ajaib adalah hal yang terjadi di luar kepatutan. Yang terjadi melanggar norma keharusan. Kamu perlu tahu. Hidupku penuh kejaran akan kepatutan. Apalagi dengan keharusan.

Tapi tidak dengan sebulan kemarin.

Sejujurnya, aku tidak menyesal. Tapi tidak juga mau mengulang.

Semua bermula dari aku yang bosan. Aku sadar dunia penuh dengan berbagai macam orang. Aku hanya ingin kenal. Di luar dari yang selama ini aku tahu, bukan yang aman-aman.

Duniaku sempit. Hampir semua orang tahu sama tahu. Hampir semua orang memiliki pertemanan yang beririsan. Orang-orang yang menganggap dirinya jauh dari kebodohan. Yang merasa lebih baik sendiri daripada itu kesetiakawanan. Yang fokus mengejar kemapanan. Menggelinjang kala membayangkan ketidakcukupan. Dengan yang seperti itu, aku sudah kenyang.

Maka aku mencoba membuka diri. Setidaknya, sebatas itu niatku di awal.

Hingga kemudian muncul kamu pada suatu malam.

Tidak ada yang luar biasa. Belum terlihat batang hidung si keajaiban. Namun aku tahu aku merasa senang. Masih ada jiwa yang dapat diajak berteman. Tanpa persyaratan.

Percik keajaiban mulai datang kala kamu menawarkan jemputan. Jujur kala itu aku bimbang. Apa yang sedang kulakukan?

Tapi aku ingat kamu bilang bahwa tidak ingin macam-macam. Hanya ingin berteman. Maka setidaknya disitu kita satu pikiran. Kemudian aku pun mengiyakan. Aku biarkan seorang yang belum ku kenal untuk mengetahui dimana aku bekerja dan dimana aku tinggal. Apa lagi itu jika bukan percik keajaiban?

Karena kita sudah pernah bertemu, meskipun aku belum lihat muka kamu, aku jadi tahu bahwa setidaknya kamu nyata, tidak maya. Lain-lainnya tidak terlalu aku pikirkan. Aku juga bukan tipe perempuan yang kesepian. Aku bahagia dengan diriku sendiri. Bila nanti dapat menemani dan ditemani, itu bonus saja.

Pertemuan kedua, masih jelas dalam ingatan. Aku memakai baju tidur dengan jaket seadanya. Tidak ada usaha. Tak apa, aku pikir. Namanya berteman bukan kosmetik yang utama. Bila pun aku tidak cantik dan kamu jadi enggan, ruginya bukan di aku. Aku malah beruntung terhindar dari mahluk yang gemar pada kemasan.

Sekali bertemu kamu langsung bercerita tentang ayahmu. Aku disitu banyak diam terpaku. Aku juga anak ayah. Kehilangan beliau pasti akan mengubah hidupku dan seisinya. Mungkin kamu juga begitu. Maka aku mendengar, mengambil pelajaran. Sepertinya aku bisa mulai percaya kamu, karena kamu percaya padaku lebih dulu.

Pertemuan ketiga, keempat, dan selanjutnya, tidak akan aku uraikan satu-satu. Bukan karena aku tidak ingat. Bukan. Tapi aku anggap semuanya adalah satu kesatuan. Sebuah kesatuan dalam balutan keajaiban.

Sudah hampir dua tahun aku betul-betul tidak merasakan apa yang kemarin aku rasa. Jujur aku sempat hampir lupa. Lupa rasanya bagaimana itu nyaman dapat dengan jumawa menjalari hati. Tanpa harus kamu lakukan apa-apa. Tanpa aku harus berusaha.

Lupa akan rasa ketenangan yang kita sama-sama bawa. Seakan kalau bersama, bagaimana pun kerasnya dunia akan bisa kita jalani.

Lupa rasanya candu pada kehadiran sebuah jiwa. Jiwa yang ternyata sama-sama mengingini.

Ketika itu aku malu pada waktu. Ia masih begitu muda tapi rasaku sudah begitu dalam. Tapi aku lihat kamu. Yang begitu yakin. Yang begitu bernyali. Hingga rasa malu ku itu tidak ada gunanya.



Sampai pada waktunya, percik keajaiban liar membakar dirinya sendiri. Hingga padam. Hingga menjadi abu.

Aku dan prinsipku, malam itu menangis sejadi-jadinya. Aku merasa dikhianati. Oleh fakta yang tersembunyi. Oleh hal yang tidak kuketahui. Yang ternyata kamu tutupi.

Aku kecewa. Amat kecewa. Modal ketenangan dan kepercayaan itu seperti dikali nol. Habis. Aku jadi tidak tahu apa yang bisa aku percaya dan tidak dari kamu. Aku jadi sadar bahwa sesungguhnya aku dan kamu adalah orang yang tidak kenal satu sama lain. Aku tidak tahu kamu.

Aku tidak pernah membayangkan diriku ada di posisi seperti itu. Dan aku tidak mau ada disitu.

Aku berhak mendapatkan cinta dengan cara yang lebih baik. Mungkin begitu juga kamu. Tidak seperti itu.

Aku juga tidak percaya dengan diriku sendiri. Sangat ingin aku balas pesan-pesan kamu. Tapi aku tahu, sekali aku meladenimu lagi, kita tidak akan pernah selesai. Dan pada saat itu, perasaanku ke kamu belum berubah. Masih ada. Masih seperti itu.

Maka aku putuskan semua jalur komunikasi kita. Lebih baik demikian. Aku perlu menghentikan kecanduanku pada kamu. Biar kamu tahu, inilah yang patut untuk dilakukan. Dalam keadaan seperti itu, menghentikan rasa kita jadi sebuah keharusan. Kamu sudah tahu. Hidupku penuh kejaran akan kepatutan. Apalagi dengan keharusan.

Hari terus berjalan. Tidak mudah memang. Tapi aku tahu, setidaknya aku melakukan hal yang benar.

Hingga tiba hari ulang tahunku. Kamu yang pertama kali mengirimkan ucapan. Pagi harinya aku berpikir, apa yang aku rasakan ke kamu saat itu?

Bagiku, rasa yang kukira dalam itu ternyata sudah mendangkal. Aku lihat jajaran gambar virtualmu, tidak lagi begitu menyengat di hati. Maka kemudian aku balas ucapanmu, dengan kata terima kasih.

Dari situ aku mulai membuka diri lagi padamu. Meski awalnya sulit, karena dari sedih aku merasa kecewa. Dari kecewa aku kemudian marah. Dari marah barulah aku merasa biasa saja. Seperti sekarang ini.

Sekarang ini aku harus berterima kasih kepadamu, dan barangkali meminta maaf. Terima kasih telah hadir dan mengingatkan bahwa aku masih punya hati. Yang masih berfungsi. Yang masih bisa menyayangi. Terima kasih juga telah mendewasakan aku, tepat di umur yang ke 26 ini, aku merasa jauh lebih dewasa daripada aku setahun yang lalu.

Lalu maaf, apabila ada cara-caraku yang membuat kamu tersakiti. Semoga kamu tahu, tidak ada sedikit pun niat dariku untuk membuat kamu semakin menderita. Aku hanya berusaha melakukan hal yang baik untukmu kedepannya, dan juga untuk aku.


It must have been love, but it's over now. 

The Fear of the Unknown

"Did you still wear hijab when you were there?" is the question people often asked me back home. 

"Nggak diapa-apain teh?"

Many Indonesians assume that ALL Western people hate Muslims. So the idea of showing the symbol of Muslim in a foreign land sounds terrifying. Especially for those who aren't fortunate enough to ever travel outside Indonesia. 

Under this condition, I feel responsible to ease the tension. 

There are plenty of negative stories out there regarding being a Muslim in a foreign country. Truth be told, I've never experienced any single one. 

All of my friends, neighbours, and also strangers are good to me. When I, a girl with Asian face wearing hijab, walked from the library to city center past midnight alone, guess what happened to her? Nothing. I went to O2 Academy, alone, singing my heart out in Lukas Graham's gig. Nothing happened. Went to friend's birthday party and only drink tap water. No one bats an eye. One time when I was going to have a milkshake, they're the one who immediately warned me that there's an alcohol in it. Apparently, no one care enough to hate me and do 'racist' things. They don't care if you are a Muslim or what. They respect my choices. And I respect theirs. 

Back in July 2017, one of my friends did ask me some questions. 

"Hi girl! How's it going? We haven't talked in a very very long time!! How's the dissertation process going for you? I'm sorry about last week, that I didn't have time to stop and talk to you. I had to go to Edinburgh and catch a certain train and I was running really late! Anyway, I have a question for you. I am starting to contribute to this blog of a friend of mine and I want to do a series that are called "10 questions you've always wanted to ask to [....]" For one of these editions, I want to ask women with a hijab. Yesterday I've already interviewed S**m*a (from Gaza, I think you know her) and she told me that It'd maybe good to interview somebody else as well, as every person has his/her own perspectives. Therefore I was wondering if you would maybe like to participate? I think the easiest would be to just send you the questions, but if you want we can also meet to do it. If you have doubts or feel uncomfortable about this no problem, you don't have to do it. The questions are quite blunt, but that's because I think many people in The Netherlands don't know why women wear a hijab and I want to create more awareness. So.. lemme know^ ^^" 

You know what? I realised that we often shut ourselves away from them so they don't even have a chance to ask. I then participated in her project. It was more an eye-opening experience for me than it is for her. 

"I warn you, they are quite blunt, but that's because it's called "10 questions you've always wanted to ask to [...] but didn't dare to ask. I hope it will increase awareness and understanding like I said before." 

I convinced her that she can shoot me any questions and I won't be offended at all. So here is our online interview we had. I tried to present it in the most pleasant form to read. 

---

"Why do you wear a hijab?" 

"Here is my attempt to answer your question. The reason of why I wear a hijab cannot be separated from the reason of why I choose to be a Muslim. Although it can be said that I become a Muslim because of the 'legacy' in the first place--like, because my parents are Muslims so that I accustomed to be one throughout my childhood)--I decided to 'stayed' Muslim because this particular way of life is the one that brings me peace at heart. In my logic, when I choose to be something, I cannot cherrypick the principles, can't I? And hijab is only the little part of being a Muslim that I try to comply. For disclaimer, I am far from being a truly 'good' Muslim as I am still learning how to be one." 

"Do you feel like the hijab restricts you from doing anything? From your freedom? And when did you start wearing a hijab?" 

"Luckily for me, I never feel like the hijab restricts me from doing anything in terms of daily activities. It does restrict me in a different way, however. I realise that wherever I go, I'm not only bringing my individual identity as Tita. Rather, I also bring the name of Islam in my shoulder. This related to the next question of when did I start wearing a hijab. I started wearing hijab in my eleventh grade (second year of high school). I remember in the tenth grade I uttered my decision to wear hijab to my older sister, she instead asked me the philosophical question. Why do I want to wear it? Do I realise what it entails? She was asking those questions not to mock or belittle my decision, she asked to make sure that I am aware that once I wear it, I will become a physical symbol of my religion. My act will no longer be only associated with me, but with Islam as a whole. She wanted me to be aware that I wear hijab beyond the reason of conformity nor fashion. Not because I blindly accepted what the society there ask me to do, but because I learn the Quran and came to my own conclusion that wearing it is my way to honour God out of my free choice. At first, I was in doubt, I cancelled my decision and keep on learning about it. The next year in my sophomore year, I made my mind and started to wear hijab to school and whenever I go. So yes, hijab does restrict me from doing the things that are the opposite of Islamic tenets, somehow.." 

"What's the difference between Tita with and without the hijab?" 

"The difference between Tita with and without the hijab would probably and should be nothing. I always remind myself the fact that hijab is only a piece of cloth after all. I should not overemphasise the magic of it. Now that I wear hijab because of my intention to comply with my religion and I feel convenient to wear it, other people might have a different reason or interpretation about their relationship with religion and hijab itself." 

"How do you feel about Muslims who do not wear a hijab? Why don't men wear a hijab?" 

"I don't really know the definitive answer since I never specifically feel anything until you ask this question. For me, hijab is part of my religious journey to become a better Muslim. I have no right to judge other Muslims who don't wear a hijab since I never truly know their story and intention behind the outside layer. Physical things must not triumph over substantial things, beyond the surface. And from what I understand, Muslim men also wear hijab. The term hijab itself simply means 'cover' and modesty. To dress modestly and cover private areas. The thing is, the Quran defines the private area of women and men differently which I think I can agree on." 

"Who gets to see you without the hijab?" 

"My families and other women get to see me without the hijab. Actually, there are exact verses in the Quran and hadith that determine who gets to see Muslim women without the hijab. But as I told you that I am far from being an ideal Muslim, not proud of it tho, I still made many mistakes. Sometimes when I was at home, I let other people see me without the proper hijab just because I'm too lazy to change. See? Who am I to judge other Muslims while I still got tons of things to be improved myself." 

"How do you look without the hijab?" 

"More chubby, I guess" *laugh* "I don't know. I don't feel any significant difference." 

"How do you feel about Western people who don't wear a hijab?" 

"I feel that they're entitled to wear whatever they want to. The thing is, I love to put myself in other people's shoes. If I was born in a western country, raised with a different family, undergone different socialisation throughout my childhood and teenage years, I would become exactly the same as them, wouldn't I? My choices, knowledge, and faith might be different with what I have now. People live their life based on what they do comprehend. Now I choose to learn more about Islam and try to comply its principle because I already feel at peace and found a true happiness in it. I mean, what most people seek in life, peace at heart, I feel like I already have it. But who knows if I would change my mind in the future because of such and such things--though I hope not--cause I'm only human after all.." 

---

I took a deep breath once I answered all the questions. No one in my life ever has the audacity to ask the things that I take for granted. And I thanked her. 

Almost one year later, the interview ended up nowhere because she caught up in many things (you know, life) and I also forgot if I ever answered this kind of things. Just recently, triggered by the question on top of this post, I asked her if it's okay to put this interview on my blog instead.

I conclude that the prejudice between Indonesian Muslims and Western people mushroomed because we simply don't know each other well. In fact, there are so many misunderstanding in life that could be solved by asking questions and have a normal conversation about it. 

Her questions are my epiphany. Instead of being so afraid of anything we don't have actual experiences yet, or being so negative about anything we don't really know, what about asking questions to a real people? And instead of getting offended if anyone asks you one, answer. 

Have a conversation. 

Approach the unknown. 

"How do you feel?"

"How do you feel?"

"About what?"

"About life in general."

"It's.. all fine I guess."

"Come on. You're the one who told me to watch Mel Robbins. Now you use that word? Fine?"

"Shoot. I thought you didn't watch her at all. You're not a self-help junkie like me."

"And yet.. You recommended me all that 'junk'"

"Hey!"

"Kidding. I know those things matter to you a lot, so I did try to gobble it."

"Wait. Really?"

"I even read the books, two of 'em."

"What? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't have to report all of my activities to you, do I?"

"But that'll make me happy. Knowing that you listen to me. Knowing that my stuffs matter."

"I know you knew already"

"Ok. You're right."

"So, how do you feel?"

"Mm.. Lonely?"

"You are?"

"Yes. And it's not the kind of shallow lonely. I can call my friends anytime if I wanted to but that's not the point. It's the kind of 'mature' lonely."

"Care to collaborate...?"

"You know, that life is consist of sequence of occurrences. I've been keeping my life, my feelings, to myself lately. Sure I met people everyday but for the core of my being, I went through it alone. I felt really lonely now. But I just know that I'm doing the right thing. That's what I meant. Like, being lonely sucks but at the same time I know that it's a right thing for me now. You know, being mature and stuffs."

"That's.. pretty deep. I didn't know you'd feel that way"

"Neither do I. But since you ask, I gotta answer. That's the word that appeared first in my mind."

"So.. You wouldn't do anything about it, would you?"

"Nope. I'm gonna let that feeling sink in. So I'll appreciate more things in life, say, like a conversation like this. Which happens.."

"Once every blue moon."

"Once every blue moon. Right."

"Should I call you more often?"

"No. Not at all. Don't."

"Why?"

"You know why. It's easier this way."

"Right. Sorry."

"You don't have to say sorry. It's not your fault nor mine. Let's just curse the universe."

"Well. F**k you, universe!"

"Every curse-word humankind discovered, universe!" 

"Haha.."

"So.. now it's my turn to ask. How do you feel?"

"Could you even be more creative?"

"O ow.. Somebody's afraid of his own feeling."

"Damn."

"How do you feel, really."

"I feel.. Confuse."

"Yeah? Like, what kind of confuse?"

"It's the opposite of your confidence that you're doing the right thing, I thought I did everything right but it turns out.. not enough. It's not enough. And now I'm doubting myself and every value I have."

"That's even deeper than my lonely thing."

"Is it?"

"Yes. But how do you know that it's not enough?"

"You know that you have an expectation that in certain age you'll do certain things. It's an unfulfilled expectation that made me doubt myself."

"I think I know where it leads"

"You do certainly"

"Although you're so typical. I do feel genuinely sorry for your confusion."

"Okay. Thanks..?"

"But let me tell you that even chimpanzee can find their partner and reproduce. But not all people has the ability like yours. You're intelligent, has an impact for the world, and most of all, kind-hearted"

"Whoa. Stop it there, I didn't mean to.."

"Na ah. Sometimes we cannot see what other people see in ourselves. So I gotta be blunt in reminding you that you're awesome."

"Okay.."

"It's okay to be confuse, I guess. God knows how complicated your past relationship was, bless your soul. But I won't ever let you degrade yourself."

"We should really talk more often"

"Don't you dare."

"Haha.. I'm just messing up"

"But all in all, are you in a good shape right now?"

"Yes. There are minor problems that make my life more colourful. But I can handle it. And you?"

"I'm still struggling with my addiction. But you know, I'm trying to mend the core of the problem, not replacing one addiction with another."

"My heart goes to all your effort"

"Thanks"

"I hope you'll always be alright"

"You too"

"I really do"

"Me too"

"Okay then.. Time to back to our mundane life."

"Time's up for us"

"Time's up"

"Talk to you again... when?"

"When the blue moon come"

"When the blue moon come"