Make peace with self

I must say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years.

The world is so much more beautiful in the lens of western world. The air is cleaner, no single ventolin used in this past two months. The water is clearer, you can drink from your own sink. The traffic and public transportation is more bearable, I almost always sit and read in subway, no significant hassle experienced. The sidewalk for pedestrian is there, waiting for you to walk, wide and safe. The food is coming from the best sources, abundant vegetables and fruits, cheap almond milk, variety of cheeses, affordable salmon. The people are minding their own business.
Life is less stressful than it was before.

Yes, those are admirable, but those are not the mere reason of the impressiveness.

I'm impressed by how living away from your comfort zone is letting you discover yourself in the most intense way. And by comfort zone I mean all the familiarity I had back home. Family, friends, food, material possession, social norms.

Day by day, second by second, I have a galore of chance to get to know the truest form of myself more. It started with the most basic question: what kind of person do I want to be?

The answer might involve further discovery of self, but at least now I figure out what kind of person I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a person with many faces. Being different person around different people. Talk differently, act differently around certain kind of people. I don't want to hide things and spend my energy to serve people's perspective towards me. Because then I have to ask myself, which one of those person am I?  

I aspire to be the same person whether I'm with my nephew or my college friends.

I want me to do, or not do, things not because of someone else's presence or judgement, but because of the reason I inherently believe and the logic I essentially embrace. As for me to be labelled as certain thing is none of my business, because I cannot control people's perspective. One thing I can fully control is myself.

The truth is, I'm no longer relying on a sense of pure good and bad because the more I grow up the more I understand that all norms are relative, the world is not black and white. So the extra question I ask myself when I decided something, whether serious or trivial, is do I still have the same decision if I were surrounded by different people, for instance, if I were surrounded by the familiarity mentioned above? It is because of me that I decided to do this, or because of the others? And if the answer is yes, it is for the first reason, then I'm gonna do it. If it is not, then I'm in a full control of myself to not do it.

If I'm being kind with my closest friend, then I'm gonna be kind with whomever it is. I'm being kind not because she/he is A or B, but because it is what I am. If I don't drink in front of my parents, then I don't drink even if I'm in a bar with friends. My action is not based on my parents' presence nor my friends' judgement, it is because of what I do believe. If I don't smoke in front of my boyfriend's mom, I don't smoke even if I'm alone. Because it is what I am, not because I am afraid to be labelled as such thing.

Whenever I go, whomever I'm with, it has to be the same Tita Adelia that I am. That is the only way I can make peace with myself.

Now I get it why is there such phenomenon called 'coming out'. Because to make peace with yourself, you have to be able to be the same person wherever you are, whenever you are, whomever with you are. Hiding things, being a person with many faces, is somehow exhausting.

For my case, although it is not as easy at it seems, I'm fortunate enough that my version of self is widely accepted by society. I couldn't imagine how miserable it is to be oneself that happened to be the opposite side of constructed norms. It is like I want to befriend them. I want to hug them, tell them that it is okay to be your version of self, as long as no one on this mortal earth is harmed because of who you are.

Make peace with yourself is like the most fundamental thing you can do to reach the state of being happy. And I never feel as content as this before.

If it is not for the long distance I took apart from my comfort zone, I might not be able to even think about this all. I will be too busy dealing with everyday's routine, ride the sardine can train in the morning, fulfil superior's expectation in the daylight, craving for high quality sleep in the night.

So I'm not wrong if I say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years, am I?

Awkwardness Award

Hello there, this is the winner speaking. How do you do? I'm fine too, thank you. (Awkwardly posing with trophy in hand)

Other than the smell of jackfruit, small talk is the thing I--if there's any chance--consciously avoid all the time. I always choose to be silent rather than being a deceitful one. I'm mystified if people still think I am nice at all. Because really, I have no ability to amuse people in terms of human interaction. 

Seriously, how do people do that? 

Today I overheard my mom, she was on the phone with one extended family I don't know. Her tone was witty and she laughed (friendly laugh) almost all the time. The conversation wasn't funny though, it was just about our family situation, my sister is now far from us because she lives with her husband, and I, on the other hand, am the only one home for now. I was wondering if my mom wasn't home and I were the one who answer that call, those conversation would be flat and dead already. 

I'm more interested in a deep, insecure, honest conversation. Like, if people ask about my job, what I want to talk about is how bad the financial circumstance nowadays that many people got cut off from their job, I've witnessed myself. Not, how cool it was to work in parliament, because it was not that great. If people ask about my future plan, what I want to convey is I have many alternatives and currently think about several considerations, or even saying bluntly I'm in the state that I have no idea what my future will be. Not, as simple as stating one job. Because life is never that straightforward, is it? Same thing with how people react to any of my questions, I'll be more attentive to the deep, insecure, honest one.

Since I can hardly have those kind of conversation with new people, I guess I just have to take the consequences for being an awkward silent little bundle. (Except I'm not little) 

Anyhow.

I will put this trophy in my self-esteem cupboard with pride.
And anyone who awarded themselves the same trophy, should too.

About today

Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing

Name few things that make you happy today.

Hari ini saya memutuskan untuk tidak pergi kemana-mana. Karena toh saya bisa mengerjakan apa yang harusnya saya kerjakan di kamar, bersama laptop dan koneksi internet yang kencang. Hanya saja ketika saya tidak kemana-mana, kebiasaan buruk saya akhir-akhir ini adalah lupa makan, atau mungkin ngirit? Tapi memang tidak terasa lapar, hingga akhirnya melihat jam dan sadar bahwa saya seharusnya makan beberapa jam yang lalu. Maka pada pukul tiga lebih, saya memutuskan untuk keluar dari sarang tempat saya bermukim.

Saya tahu, langit sudah mendung dan jemuran pun sudah saya pindahkan ke tempat yang beratap karena sedikit lagi akan hujan. Ini bulan April tapi hujan masih datang hampir setiap sore atau malam. Tapi karena saya hanya akan pergi ke warung terdekat, yang menjual bubur ayam, indomie, dan bubur kacang hijau, saya hanya membawa dompet dan hp. Bawa payung agaknya terlalu repot.

Selesai makan bubur ayam dengan satu sate ati ampela, saya pergi ke warung sebelah untuk membeli air mineral. Tepat ketika saya bayar, harganya empat ribu, tiba-tiba hujan turun. Awalnya tidak terlalu deras, tapi ketika saya sudah menerima uang kembalian dan siap untuk pulang, hujan turun semakin deras. Deras sekali hingga saya mengurungkan niat untuk menembusnya.

Saya berteduh di dalam warung yang bisa dibilang kecil dan sempit, bapak tukang warung menyilakan saya untuk berdiri agak ke dalam supaya tidak basah. Hujan turun amat deras, saya lihat tidak ada orang yang lalu-lalang samasekali, mungkin karena saat hujan terlalu deras, memakai payung pun seperti sia-sia sehingga semua orang memilih untuk menunggu reda.

Perasaan saya saat itu tidak kesal sama sekali. Saya malah ingin tertawa. Saya lupa kapan terakhir kali saya membiarkan diri saya untuk terjebak di situasi-situasi bodoh seperti ini.

Saya berdiri dan diam, mau main hp pun belum isi kuota internet. Sudah beberapa hari ini saya hanya mengandalkan wifi. Akhirnya saya hanya memandangi hujan yang turun begitu deras. Air mengalir ke tempat yang lebih rendah. Suara petir yang bergemuruh membuat saya bergidik. Takut.

Saya diam dan berpikir, apakah saya tembus saja hujan ini karena saya tahu hujan seperti ini biasanya tidak sebentar? Toh dekat saja, hanya beberapa ratus meter. Tapi saya ragu. Karena saya membawa hp. Karena saya baru saja keramas dan mandi.

Dalam hujan lebat itu, lewatlah seorang anak kecil bersepeda. Tanpa payung. Tanpa jas hujan. Dia hanya bersepeda dan tertawa-tawa. Awalnya saya pikir dia lagi main lalu kehujanan dan akan buru-buru pulang ke rumahnya. Tapi ternyata tidak, dia lewat lagi. Kali ini berhenti lalu menyimpan sepedanya di dekat warung tempat saya berdiri, lalu dia meringis bahagia ditengah hujan memanggil temannya satu lagi. Basah kuyup.

Timbul rasa di dalam diri saya. Saya iri. 

Kapan terakhir kali saya menikmati hujan sebagai anugerah dari Tuhan terhadap mahluk bumi? Saya tidak ingat. Yang saya tahu hujan hanya membuat macet, membuat saya menunda kepulangan jika masih ada di kantor, membuat saya menunda keluar rumah jika masih ada di rumah, membuat becek, mengotori sepatu.

Akhirnya saya mengambil keputusan. Iri tanda tak mampu. Siapa bilang saya tidak mampu menikmati hujan seperti anak itu menikmatinya? Saya masukan hp dan dompet saya ke dalam keresek air mineral, lalu saya tali. Saya gulung celana panjang saya sebetis agar tidak terlalu basah ketika menginjak kubangan.

Saya berjalan, ribuan butiran air dari langit membasahi ubun-ubun. Sambil berlari-lari kecil, saya menginjak kubangan air sehingga menambah basah baju saya, karena memang tidak ada pilihan, tidak ada jalan yang kering. Saya ingat saya tersenyum hampir tertawa. Tidak menyangka situasi bodoh seperti ini menjadi momen terbaik dalam beberapa bulan terakhir. Saya merasa bebas, naif, dan bahagia. Tidak ada suara yang saya dengar selain suara jatuhnya butiran air. 

Sampai di kamar ternyata saya tidak sebasah kuyup yang saya bayangkan. Hanya bagian kepala dan jaket jeans saya yang jadi agak berat karena basah, sisanya seperti hanya kecipratan sedikit. Saya simpan air mineral berisikan hp dan dompet dan berganti baju. Lucunya, tidak berapa lama dari saya berganti baju, hujan mengecil dan beberapa menit kemudian reda.

Tidak semua orang bisa mengambil kesenangan dari terjebak hujan di warung sempit. Saya seperti disadarkan kembali apa yang menjadi kekuatan saya. Yang selama ini telah lama saya lupakan. Yang selama ini malah saya kubur dalam-dalam.

Saya adalah penikmat momen. Saya tidak mudah dibuat tidak bahagia.

Dulu saya memiliki toleransi yang amat luas terkait dengan standar kebahagiaan. Yang entah kenapa makin kesini makin menyempit. Makin dibutakan dengan hal-hal banal.

Saya ingat saat SMA saya bahagia hanya dengan mengetik di komputer butut tengah malam, tidak ada internet, tidak punya apa-apa. Hanya saya dan malam. Begitu sederhana.

Hujan besar sore ini, terima kasih sudah mengingatkan.

I Lost!

The title made it clearly what am I gonna write in this post.

I admitted that I lost this 15 Minutes Challenge.

I made this challenge for myself and screwed it up.

I was came up with many excuses before I really admitted that I lost.

One of them is I already being productive in writing a and b (other than this blogpost).

But still. I lost. I didn't wrote every single day in this blog.


Now I know why am I still here.

Because I'm not committed enough to do things. I'm lack of determination and effort to make things happen.

Ok. At least I got to know myself better.


Thanks, self.