Vaguely

Well, I don’t really know how to put down my feeling into the words.
It’s pretty hard, but I guess I sort of need to do this right now.
I don’t know. I really don’t know how to starts. How to starts explain what I feel.
Maybe because it’s been a really long time since I let my problems written here. While previously I used to write anything I felt, in the honest way.
No, no. I’m not saying that I am a big liar now. I’m not living a life as a pretender. No, I will never do. It’s too pathetic, and I guess I’m not that strong to do it.
I often throw away my deepest feeling. I motivate myself as hard as I can.
My friends now know me as a happy person, you know?
I laugh more than them, I smile more, I talk in a funny way more than they even could. I communicate with every single layers of social stratification (you know what I mean).
Finally, I successfully make them thought me as a strong one who owns a perfect life.
Now I found it, ironic.
And I blame no one here. They don’t have any fault, neither then me.
Did you know how much peoples that I love now? I say, much. Much more than you ever think.
I love my family, indeed. I love them more than I could ever tell. I life separated from them now. I always try to do my best here. Did you think whom those are for? Me? What’s the matter?
You know I am a kind of a take-it-easy person. Then with those my take-it-easy behavior I will never can make them proud. While I can’t be there for show them my love, at least I can present them my achievement. Though until now, I still have nothing to make them proud of. But I’m on my way to make it happen.
I love my friends. I really love them. I can’t bear my tears now. You never thought that I could be that melancholic rite? But yeah the truth is I can’t bear my tears when I just typed ‘friends’ word.
I laugh hard, I smile more, I joke, I help, I press my ego down, I hear, I hide my deepest sorrow, I do many things you’d never imagine before. Just to make them see that happiness is so close. That happiness is always right beside them. That no matter hard life may seems, they will always make it through.
I'd been broken heart for many times, they even absolutely clueless about it. Do you know what can make me (seems) all right?
Cause I know there’s a lot of friends I worth stay strong for.
Friends, I couldn’t mention it one by one. Even a people that I met in short time before, as long as they consider me as a friend, I love them.
I love my boyfriend, more than I can say. I came into his life. I don’t know how the way I leave him will like. Is it a death, is it a kind of simple break up, or is it a way that we never thought. Whatever it is, I made a promise to myself, that I will never ever let myself make him feel jerk. I’m not coming to his life, just to leave him feel bad about himself. Did I ever tell you that I love him?
Now maybe you understand why I called love as a simple thing. Love is simple.
Yeah.
After all, I don’t know what I write this for. I don’t know. I feel this all, just like, vaguely.