These may sound foreign in your mind. The judgment of others has flooded your aesthetic soul. Diminished the melodious voice inside your body. Left you desolated in silence. Vulnerable to the bone.
Today I want you to recall your forgotten song. I want you to revive what has been suppressed. The harmony that been long gone.
You are attractive enough. This word has been said to you in a connotative manner. Addressed to your soul. To your demeanour. To any abstract conception but your physical being. No. I will not let them put you out of the criteria. I will not let your consciousness sucked up by the artificial bias. The market-driven logic of the man-made industry. You are beautiful and let me stated it as a fact. Without a but. Your face is perfect as it is. Your hair is fine as you are. Your smile could brighten someone's day. Your presence could warm up the milieu. You just don't know. You just don't realise.
You are insightful enough. You may feel you are submerged in the stream of mediocrity. You laugh on your slow uptake. You underestimate your own capabilities. You feel less than others. But no. Every person has their own features. If only you listen to yourself, your intuition screams your salient feature that has been overlooked. And that distinctive attribute of yours has made somebody feel a yearning desire to be close to you. Maybe you know who it is. Maybe you don't know yet.
You are worthy enough. You have the qualities that deserve kind attention. You are precious as you are worthy of being adored. You are worthy of affection. To be treated with tenderness. To be treated with respect. To be dignified.
If, at all, you want to improve yourself, do it because it gives more meaning to your life and others. Do it as a means to rejoice yourself. Not as a punishment for your current being. Not as a prolonged cruelty, a continuous savagery from you to yourself for not being good enough.
Because after all, you are enough. And you deserve to feel that way.
20170403
20170302
When the grass is greener
I started to realise that the kind of relationship I need now is a friendly companion and nothing more. And the decision I agreed on two months ago is, if brilliant is too strong, right.
I might weep about how being single has a detrimental effect on my own self-esteem. How I felt worthless knowing that someone whom I wholeheartedly adored is no longer interested in the time that I've invested nor the things that I said. How I felt like a failure to finally just walk out. How I felt disappointed with myself, with him, with the circumstances, with everything. How I felt the negativity consumed me.
Yes, I might weep thousand times like a little girl lost her candy. Her only sweet candy she owns. Or a little girl lost her balloon. That fly high up in the air in a second she did not have a chance to grasp.
But then I think, what does it take to make me that sad?
Is it because of the solid loneliness, I no longer have someone to share trivial things anymore?
Is it because of the status, you know, being single signifies that you are not as 'valuable' as those who owns a partner in a social context?
Is it because of the shattered expectations of the future?
What is it about?
The loneliness, to some extent, yes. But then I realised that I actually have friends to talk to, to share stupid things with. They are there, exist, alive. I have many people whom I overlooked for when I was too busy with my own little bubble. I don't really have a plausible excuse to prolong the sadness for the loneliness reason. In addition, I also am an introvert that, in fact, pretty much enjoy solitude.
The status? Probably the dumbest reason to be sad.
Shattered expectations? Well, life does surprise people in so many ways, maybe this is my thing. My expectations might have shattered in this matter, but on the other hand, there are many things happened beyond my expectations. And that's kinda outweighed the former.
Right now when I am typing this post, I feel nothing but liberated.
Liberation is a good feeling, the feeling of freedom, relieved. Unimpeded.
I can feel the airy space, the vast emptiness that clear my head.
I feel the power of being myself, without having to be associated with anyone to be defined.
I may still crack a joke about how I want to find 'the one' or mock 'the singleness' as a funny epithet.
But honestly, the idea of amorous relationship gives goosebumps down my spine. At least for now.
I'm currently in the pinnacle of my ego. I'm in the state that I don't wanna be owned by someone nor I own someone. I don't want to be 'in charge' of someone else's happiness again, nor I depend mine on someone. I don't want to compromise nor being the reason for someone to compromise.
I enjoy make friends with new people, get in touch with old friends, get closer with inner circles. I am kinda referring my social relationship now with a notion of no strings attached. Because, you know, if anyone wants to be kind to me then be kind, do not expect anything in return. I do the same way. I never knew that life's easier this way.
The decision I made two months ago is right. I had spent most of my early adulthood not experiencing the feeling I felt in the last two months. Of clarity. Of liberation. I shift my focus on me. Only me. If I occasionally want to have a person who can instantly reply my stupid text, share my trivial complaints about life, eat together, watch a movie together, all I need is a friend and nothing more. And I do have them. At least I think I have. So I guess I'm done with all the sorrow.
Now for all the lone wolf out there, please do not let yourself defined by how no one wants to be your special someone. Please do not let yourself drown in the misery of being lonely. Please do not depend your happiness on whom you are not with. You matter more than that. Being with someone is not an achievement. Nor it is the solution for all of your issues. It's just a differentiation of a life pathway.
And indeed, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I might weep about how being single has a detrimental effect on my own self-esteem. How I felt worthless knowing that someone whom I wholeheartedly adored is no longer interested in the time that I've invested nor the things that I said. How I felt like a failure to finally just walk out. How I felt disappointed with myself, with him, with the circumstances, with everything. How I felt the negativity consumed me.
Yes, I might weep thousand times like a little girl lost her candy. Her only sweet candy she owns. Or a little girl lost her balloon. That fly high up in the air in a second she did not have a chance to grasp.
But then I think, what does it take to make me that sad?
Is it because of the solid loneliness, I no longer have someone to share trivial things anymore?
Is it because of the status, you know, being single signifies that you are not as 'valuable' as those who owns a partner in a social context?
Is it because of the shattered expectations of the future?
What is it about?
The loneliness, to some extent, yes. But then I realised that I actually have friends to talk to, to share stupid things with. They are there, exist, alive. I have many people whom I overlooked for when I was too busy with my own little bubble. I don't really have a plausible excuse to prolong the sadness for the loneliness reason. In addition, I also am an introvert that, in fact, pretty much enjoy solitude.
The status? Probably the dumbest reason to be sad.
Shattered expectations? Well, life does surprise people in so many ways, maybe this is my thing. My expectations might have shattered in this matter, but on the other hand, there are many things happened beyond my expectations. And that's kinda outweighed the former.
Right now when I am typing this post, I feel nothing but liberated.
Liberation is a good feeling, the feeling of freedom, relieved. Unimpeded.
I can feel the airy space, the vast emptiness that clear my head.
I feel the power of being myself, without having to be associated with anyone to be defined.
I may still crack a joke about how I want to find 'the one' or mock 'the singleness' as a funny epithet.
But honestly, the idea of amorous relationship gives goosebumps down my spine. At least for now.
I'm currently in the pinnacle of my ego. I'm in the state that I don't wanna be owned by someone nor I own someone. I don't want to be 'in charge' of someone else's happiness again, nor I depend mine on someone. I don't want to compromise nor being the reason for someone to compromise.
I enjoy make friends with new people, get in touch with old friends, get closer with inner circles. I am kinda referring my social relationship now with a notion of no strings attached. Because, you know, if anyone wants to be kind to me then be kind, do not expect anything in return. I do the same way. I never knew that life's easier this way.
The decision I made two months ago is right. I had spent most of my early adulthood not experiencing the feeling I felt in the last two months. Of clarity. Of liberation. I shift my focus on me. Only me. If I occasionally want to have a person who can instantly reply my stupid text, share my trivial complaints about life, eat together, watch a movie together, all I need is a friend and nothing more. And I do have them. At least I think I have. So I guess I'm done with all the sorrow.
Now for all the lone wolf out there, please do not let yourself defined by how no one wants to be your special someone. Please do not let yourself drown in the misery of being lonely. Please do not depend your happiness on whom you are not with. You matter more than that. Being with someone is not an achievement. Nor it is the solution for all of your issues. It's just a differentiation of a life pathway.
And indeed, the grass is always greener on the other side.
20161021
Make peace with self
I must say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years.
The world is so much more beautiful in the lens of western world. The air is cleaner, no single ventolin used in this past two months. The water is clearer, you can drink from your own sink. The traffic and public transportation is more bearable, I almost always sit and read in subway, no significant hassle experienced. The sidewalk for pedestrian is there, waiting for you to walk, wide and safe. The food is coming from the best sources, abundant vegetables and fruits, cheap almond milk, variety of cheeses, affordable salmon. The people are minding their own business.
Life is less stressful than it was before.
Yes, those are admirable, but those are not the mere reason of the impressiveness.
I'm impressed by how living away from your comfort zone is letting you discover yourself in the most intense way. And by comfort zone I mean all the familiarity I had back home. Family, friends, food, material possession, social norms.
Day by day, second by second, I have a galore of chance to get to know the truest form of myself more. It started with the most basic question: what kind of person do I want to be?
The answer might involve further discovery of self, but at least now I figure out what kind of person I don't want to be.
I don't want to be a person with many faces. Being different person around different people. Talk differently, act differently around certain kind of people. I don't want to hide things and spend my energy to serve people's perspective towards me. Because then I have to ask myself, which one of those person am I?
I aspire to be the same person whether I'm with my nephew or my college friends.
I want me to do, or not do, things not because of someone else's presence or judgement, but because of the reason I inherently believe and the logic I essentially embrace. As for me to be labelled as certain thing is none of my business, because I cannot control people's perspective. One thing I can fully control is myself.
The truth is, I'm no longer relying on a sense of pure good and bad because the more I grow up the more I understand that all norms are relative, the world is not black and white. So the extra question I ask myself when I decided something, whether serious or trivial, is do I still have the same decision if I were surrounded by different people, for instance, if I were surrounded by the familiarity mentioned above? It is because of me that I decided to do this, or because of the others? And if the answer is yes, it is for the first reason, then I'm gonna do it. If it is not, then I'm in a full control of myself to not do it.
If I'm being kind with my closest friend, then I'm gonna be kind with whomever it is. I'm being kind not because she/he is A or B, but because it is what I am. If I don't drink in front of my parents, then I don't drink even if I'm in a bar with friends. My action is not based on my parents' presence nor my friends' judgement, it is because of what I do believe. If I don't smoke in front of my boyfriend's mom, I don't smoke even if I'm alone. Because it is what I am, not because I am afraid to be labelled as such thing.
Whenever I go, whomever I'm with, it has to be the same Tita Adelia that I am. That is the only way I can make peace with myself.
Now I get it why is there such phenomenon called 'coming out'. Because to make peace with yourself, you have to be able to be the same person wherever you are, whenever you are, whomever with you are. Hiding things, being a person with many faces, is somehow exhausting.
For my case, although it is not as easy at it seems, I'm fortunate enough that my version of self is widely accepted by society. I couldn't imagine how miserable it is to be oneself that happened to be the opposite side of constructed norms. It is like I want to befriend them. I want to hug them, tell them that it is okay to be your version of self, as long as no one on this mortal earth is harmed because of who you are.
Make peace with yourself is like the most fundamental thing you can do to reach the state of being happy. And I never feel as content as this before.
If it is not for the long distance I took apart from my comfort zone, I might not be able to even think about this all. I will be too busy dealing with everyday's routine, ride the sardine can train in the morning, fulfil superior's expectation in the daylight, craving for high quality sleep in the night.
So I'm not wrong if I say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years, am I?
The world is so much more beautiful in the lens of western world. The air is cleaner, no single ventolin used in this past two months. The water is clearer, you can drink from your own sink. The traffic and public transportation is more bearable, I almost always sit and read in subway, no significant hassle experienced. The sidewalk for pedestrian is there, waiting for you to walk, wide and safe. The food is coming from the best sources, abundant vegetables and fruits, cheap almond milk, variety of cheeses, affordable salmon. The people are minding their own business.
Life is less stressful than it was before.
Yes, those are admirable, but those are not the mere reason of the impressiveness.
I'm impressed by how living away from your comfort zone is letting you discover yourself in the most intense way. And by comfort zone I mean all the familiarity I had back home. Family, friends, food, material possession, social norms.
Day by day, second by second, I have a galore of chance to get to know the truest form of myself more. It started with the most basic question: what kind of person do I want to be?
The answer might involve further discovery of self, but at least now I figure out what kind of person I don't want to be.
I don't want to be a person with many faces. Being different person around different people. Talk differently, act differently around certain kind of people. I don't want to hide things and spend my energy to serve people's perspective towards me. Because then I have to ask myself, which one of those person am I?
I aspire to be the same person whether I'm with my nephew or my college friends.
I want me to do, or not do, things not because of someone else's presence or judgement, but because of the reason I inherently believe and the logic I essentially embrace. As for me to be labelled as certain thing is none of my business, because I cannot control people's perspective. One thing I can fully control is myself.
If I'm being kind with my closest friend, then I'm gonna be kind with whomever it is. I'm being kind not because she/he is A or B, but because it is what I am. If I don't drink in front of my parents, then I don't drink even if I'm in a bar with friends. My action is not based on my parents' presence nor my friends' judgement, it is because of what I do believe. If I don't smoke in front of my boyfriend's mom, I don't smoke even if I'm alone. Because it is what I am, not because I am afraid to be labelled as such thing.
Whenever I go, whomever I'm with, it has to be the same Tita Adelia that I am. That is the only way I can make peace with myself.
Now I get it why is there such phenomenon called 'coming out'. Because to make peace with yourself, you have to be able to be the same person wherever you are, whenever you are, whomever with you are. Hiding things, being a person with many faces, is somehow exhausting.
For my case, although it is not as easy at it seems, I'm fortunate enough that my version of self is widely accepted by society. I couldn't imagine how miserable it is to be oneself that happened to be the opposite side of constructed norms. It is like I want to befriend them. I want to hug them, tell them that it is okay to be your version of self, as long as no one on this mortal earth is harmed because of who you are.
Make peace with yourself is like the most fundamental thing you can do to reach the state of being happy. And I never feel as content as this before.
If it is not for the long distance I took apart from my comfort zone, I might not be able to even think about this all. I will be too busy dealing with everyday's routine, ride the sardine can train in the morning, fulfil superior's expectation in the daylight, craving for high quality sleep in the night.
So I'm not wrong if I say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years, am I?
20160710
Awkwardness Award
Hello there, this is the winner speaking. How do you do? I'm fine too, thank you. (Awkwardly posing with trophy in hand)
Other than the smell of jackfruit, small talk is the thing I--if there's any chance--consciously avoid all the time. I always choose to be silent rather than being a deceitful one. I'm mystified if people still think I am nice at all. Because really, I have no ability to amuse people in terms of human interaction.
Seriously, how do people do that?
Today I overheard my mom, she was on the phone with one extended family I don't know. Her tone was witty and she laughed (friendly laugh) almost all the time. The conversation wasn't funny though, it was just about our family situation, my sister is now far from us because she lives with her husband, and I, on the other hand, am the only one home for now. I was wondering if my mom wasn't home and I were the one who answer that call, those conversation would be flat and dead already.
I'm more interested in a deep, insecure, honest conversation. Like, if people ask about my job, what I want to talk about is how bad the financial circumstance nowadays that many people got cut off from their job, I've witnessed myself. Not, how cool it was to work in parliament, because it was not that great. If people ask about my future plan, what I want to convey is I have many alternatives and currently think about several considerations, or even saying bluntly I'm in the state that I have no idea what my future will be. Not, as simple as stating one job. Because life is never that straightforward, is it? Same thing with how people react to any of my questions, I'll be more attentive to the deep, insecure, honest one.
Since I can hardly have those kind of conversation with new people, I guess I just have to take the consequences for being an awkward silent little bundle. (Except I'm not little)
Since I can hardly have those kind of conversation with new people, I guess I just have to take the consequences for being an awkward silent little bundle. (Except I'm not little)
Anyhow.
I will put this trophy in my self-esteem cupboard with pride.
And anyone who awarded themselves the same trophy, should too.
And anyone who awarded themselves the same trophy, should too.
20160528
About today
Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say
How close am I to losing you
Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away
How close am I to losing you
Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today
How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say
How close am I to losing you
Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away
How close am I to losing you
Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today
How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing
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