Ok so lately I have a very unproductive life. It has a quite complicated background story and I will tell you how I can get to the point where I decided to do this challenge.
In the end of February, my bosses decided to work-holiday-ing all of their staffs. The main cause is, I would say, because of the insufficient funding situation. Long story short, I got a work-holiday for almost one month. Work-holiday definition itself for me, or at least for us because our bosses told us so, is the phase while you don't have to come to the office but your boss will still pay you a minimum wage of your salary. It is somehow amusing for the first week. Because you could wake up late, stay up late, and don't have to deal with serious thing or being responsible for anything. Though of course you still have to finish what you started before this work-holiday subject came up. The first week is indeed a honeymoon phase. I can tell you that in my real work situation, I have to get up early in the morning and by seven o'clock I should have ready to go, or else I would be late. I barely got a six or five hours to sleep and feel constantly exhausted. So when I got the work-holiday, first thing that came to my mind was I really want to sleep as long as I can. I slept really well for the first week but then I got confused with what I am going to do with my life next.
The amusing phase is gone and next thing I know is I binge watch many tv series. Scandal, fresh off the boats, grey's anatomy, suits, house of cards, 2 broke girls, suits, reply 1988 (Korean), girl meets world, et cetera. Not only tv series, I'm also being a loyal spectator of many youtubers. I subscribed to many new channel I knew, and watch them religiously. Shaytards and his family (caseylavere, carliestyle, katillete, loganmckay, the mom's view), the fine brothers of course, amazingphil, claudia sulewski, and other random youtubers who do the vlogging or doing creative things. I can tell that my sense of humour has been shift to be more crappier than ever. I was very keen to watch or listen to other people's stories, mostly about family life. Itunes podcast and audiobook also got my attention.
Why did I said that the amusing phase is gone? Because although I watch or listen to many good series or podcast, deep in my heart I feel like I'm wasting my time. I am young. I am capable of many things. But instead of work for a living or do something to change the world, there I am with my laptop in bed. The feeling of being unneeded was strong and it ruins myself day to day. I used to be someone who always useful in every situation I faced. Whether it is in school, college, or work. People need me and I am happy to be someone who helped. I am happy to be needed and do the extra work. It may sounds silly but it is what it is.
One month passed by and guess what, almost all of the staffs were called to be back to the office excluded me and several staffs. The reason why I wasn't being a part who were called back is because I will be gone in the next five months (September) to do my master degree and the office couldn't afford someone who won't be there until at least December due to projects reason. The reason was very logical and my bosses explained it very well. I was disappointed a little (not because of their decision, but more because I have to accept the fact that I'm no longer have a job. Like, it startled me a bit for awhile), but it will be very rude of me if I'm still complaining because, dude you got a scholarship, you got accepted at university you want to, what more you want to ask for, you little brat (me talking to myself).
Right when they told me those things, one of my boss requested me to help her finish several articles and book, she aims to submit the manuscripts to international journal. She said that generally every senior scholar have assistant, and she want to have one at least before I go. I found the request very challenging and without second guessing my own judgement I say yes, I want to help. So that was the clear beginning of this challenge.
Because the work itself is to help her write, I basically have no office hour or physical office to go. I have to set my own schedule, write my own to do list, and supervise myself. My boss is a very busy person in the entire world I would say. She is the type of person who could be in Papua today and have to be in Aceh tomorrow, or have breakfast in Jogja, lunch in Sulawesi, dinner at home, you know what I'm saying. The fate of those articles/book are in my hand.
The turning point is, I think I misjudge myself. I think that I am capable of disciplining myself but I am not. I missed my own deadline and lost in the forest of literature. The feeling is like when you work on your thesis and you stuck and you don't know what to do then you stop writing. Except this isn't only for myself and I am the one who said I can help before. I've been stop writing for almost two weeks and this kind of stuck and lost feeling kill me everyday.
I found out that one of the reason that leads me to this abyss of negative feeling is my bad habit. I didn't write that much after I graduated. I procrastinate and I mess up my priority. I procrastinate because I always think that my writing has to be perfect. It has to be written in the perfect timing, perfect place, using rich and perfect literature, and the result must be perfect. The thought makes me so terrified to write. I realised now that I have to embrace the imperfection and just start to write. So by the realisation of this, I challenge myself to write at least 15 minutes per day in this blog. It would help me to deliver my thought in a written form. I don't know when the challenge will ended, maybe for the rest of my life (exaggeration alert), but I know that it starts now, today.
I want to get my old habit to write. Because I know that my speaking sucks but I have at least a little chance to success in writing.
