I never feel the need to distinguish one type of love from another. But in order to evolve as an individual, we actually need to label what we feel and experience. As time goes by, the ability to determine which state we're in or what feeling we're experiencing will help us perceive our life better. It gives a satisfying illusion that we're in control.
Not until I encountered the concept of twin flames, the urge to write our short beautiful journey ever emerged.
When I came across the concept, I immediately got an epiphany on what I've been trying to make sense.
Me and him, we never really share our past together. But I feel like I've known him all along. I feel like he knows me better than anyone who've been actually knowing me for a longer time. The familiarity that creeps beneath his presence is filling me with awe.
In fact, we have already met. But we overlooked each other. We weren't that receptive at that time. I'm busy with my own, not at all conscious of the people I met. Though I must admit that our quick rendezvous effortlessly stored in my cortex as long-term memory.
Our reunion happened out of the blue. At that state, I was plain tired. Not really heart-broken but a little bit wrecked by inexplicable grief.
And talking to him feels like home. I'm fully aware that we were magnetically attracted to each other. The attractiveness is beyond physical. It's an immediate connection that appealing to the senses. Resonate with on the deepest level.
Every time we're together, I'm able to be just my authentic-self far from the fear of rejection. In a world full of pretentious judgement, it is such a safe place to be in.
So yeah. Twin Flames.
Originated in Plato's mythic dialogue "The Symposium", it implies that we all have one twin soul out there in the world. Different from a soul mate, the purpose of the twin flame relationship is greater than themselves.
I always feel like I don't need others to complete me. And it's true.
We don't complete each other. Our souls are already complete on their own.
We exist to catalyze the wholeness that has always been inside of us.
We're driven towards a higher purpose to achieve together. Raising conscious children. Constantly improve ourselves. Towards the world full of compassion, tranquillity, and love.
We are bonded but free, attached but unattached.
There are many types of love that human capable of having. I love many humans throughout my life but this one has no similar comparison.
Twin Flames. I've found mine.
20190509
20190106
"To be shown love is to feel ourselves the object of concern. Our presence is noted, our name is registered, our views are listened to, our failings are treated with indulgence and our needs are ministered to. And under such care, we flourish."
Alain de Botton
I found the perfect sentences to describe what I feel lately.
And this time, it makes me thrive. Flourish.
Not the other way.
Alain de Botton
I found the perfect sentences to describe what I feel lately.
And this time, it makes me thrive. Flourish.
Not the other way.
20181113
Dari Sisi Aku
Why is it that sometimes people have feelings towards each other, but never end up together?
Rasa tidak dapat dienyahkan. Tapi dapat dijejaki. Diurai pelan-pelan. Hingga akhirnya sadar aku tidak lagi menyelam. Aku sudah kembali di daratan.
Begitulah mungkin yang terjadi sebulan kemarin. Sebulan yang bisaku bilang adalah penuh dengan keajaiban. Ajaib adalah hal yang terjadi di luar kepatutan. Yang terjadi melanggar norma keharusan. Kamu perlu tahu. Hidupku penuh kejaran akan kepatutan. Apalagi dengan keharusan.
Tapi tidak dengan sebulan kemarin.
Sejujurnya, aku tidak menyesal. Tapi tidak juga mau mengulang.
Semua bermula dari aku yang bosan. Aku sadar dunia penuh dengan berbagai macam orang. Aku hanya ingin kenal. Di luar dari yang selama ini aku tahu, bukan yang aman-aman.
Duniaku sempit. Hampir semua orang tahu sama tahu. Hampir semua orang memiliki pertemanan yang beririsan. Orang-orang yang menganggap dirinya jauh dari kebodohan. Yang merasa lebih baik sendiri daripada itu kesetiakawanan. Yang fokus mengejar kemapanan. Menggelinjang kala membayangkan ketidakcukupan. Dengan yang seperti itu, aku sudah kenyang.
Maka aku mencoba membuka diri. Setidaknya, sebatas itu niatku di awal.
Hingga kemudian muncul kamu pada suatu malam.
Tidak ada yang luar biasa. Belum terlihat batang hidung si keajaiban. Namun aku tahu aku merasa senang. Masih ada jiwa yang dapat diajak berteman. Tanpa persyaratan.
Percik keajaiban mulai datang kala kamu menawarkan jemputan. Jujur kala itu aku bimbang. Apa yang sedang kulakukan?
Tapi aku ingat kamu bilang bahwa tidak ingin macam-macam. Hanya ingin berteman. Maka setidaknya disitu kita satu pikiran. Kemudian aku pun mengiyakan. Aku biarkan seorang yang belum ku kenal untuk mengetahui dimana aku bekerja dan dimana aku tinggal. Apa lagi itu jika bukan percik keajaiban?
Karena kita sudah pernah bertemu, meskipun aku belum lihat muka kamu, aku jadi tahu bahwa setidaknya kamu nyata, tidak maya. Lain-lainnya tidak terlalu aku pikirkan. Aku juga bukan tipe perempuan yang kesepian. Aku bahagia dengan diriku sendiri. Bila nanti dapat menemani dan ditemani, itu bonus saja.
Pertemuan kedua, masih jelas dalam ingatan. Aku memakai baju tidur dengan jaket seadanya. Tidak ada usaha. Tak apa, aku pikir. Namanya berteman bukan kosmetik yang utama. Bila pun aku tidak cantik dan kamu jadi enggan, ruginya bukan di aku. Aku malah beruntung terhindar dari mahluk yang gemar pada kemasan.
Sekali bertemu kamu langsung bercerita tentang ayahmu. Aku disitu banyak diam terpaku. Aku juga anak ayah. Kehilangan beliau pasti akan mengubah hidupku dan seisinya. Mungkin kamu juga begitu. Maka aku mendengar, mengambil pelajaran. Sepertinya aku bisa mulai percaya kamu, karena kamu percaya padaku lebih dulu.
Pertemuan ketiga, keempat, dan selanjutnya, tidak akan aku uraikan satu-satu. Bukan karena aku tidak ingat. Bukan. Tapi aku anggap semuanya adalah satu kesatuan. Sebuah kesatuan dalam balutan keajaiban.
Sudah hampir dua tahun aku betul-betul tidak merasakan apa yang kemarin aku rasa. Jujur aku sempat hampir lupa. Lupa rasanya bagaimana itu nyaman dapat dengan jumawa menjalari hati. Tanpa harus kamu lakukan apa-apa. Tanpa aku harus berusaha.
Lupa akan rasa ketenangan yang kita sama-sama bawa. Seakan kalau bersama, bagaimana pun kerasnya dunia akan bisa kita jalani.
Lupa rasanya candu pada kehadiran sebuah jiwa. Jiwa yang ternyata sama-sama mengingini.
Ketika itu aku malu pada waktu. Ia masih begitu muda tapi rasaku sudah begitu dalam. Tapi aku lihat kamu. Yang begitu yakin. Yang begitu bernyali. Hingga rasa malu ku itu tidak ada gunanya.
Sampai pada waktunya, percik keajaiban liar membakar dirinya sendiri. Hingga padam. Hingga menjadi abu.
Aku dan prinsipku, malam itu menangis sejadi-jadinya. Aku merasa dikhianati. Oleh fakta yang tersembunyi. Oleh hal yang tidak kuketahui. Yang ternyata kamu tutupi.
Aku kecewa. Amat kecewa. Modal ketenangan dan kepercayaan itu seperti dikali nol. Habis. Aku jadi tidak tahu apa yang bisa aku percaya dan tidak dari kamu. Aku jadi sadar bahwa sesungguhnya aku dan kamu adalah orang yang tidak kenal satu sama lain. Aku tidak tahu kamu.
Aku tidak pernah membayangkan diriku ada di posisi seperti itu. Dan aku tidak mau ada disitu.
Aku berhak mendapatkan cinta dengan cara yang lebih baik. Mungkin begitu juga kamu. Tidak seperti itu.
Aku juga tidak percaya dengan diriku sendiri. Sangat ingin aku balas pesan-pesan kamu. Tapi aku tahu, sekali aku meladenimu lagi, kita tidak akan pernah selesai. Dan pada saat itu, perasaanku ke kamu belum berubah. Masih ada. Masih seperti itu.
Maka aku putuskan semua jalur komunikasi kita. Lebih baik demikian. Aku perlu menghentikan kecanduanku pada kamu. Biar kamu tahu, inilah yang patut untuk dilakukan. Dalam keadaan seperti itu, menghentikan rasa kita jadi sebuah keharusan. Kamu sudah tahu. Hidupku penuh kejaran akan kepatutan. Apalagi dengan keharusan.
Hari terus berjalan. Tidak mudah memang. Tapi aku tahu, setidaknya aku melakukan hal yang benar.
Hingga tiba hari ulang tahunku. Kamu yang pertama kali mengirimkan ucapan. Pagi harinya aku berpikir, apa yang aku rasakan ke kamu saat itu?
Bagiku, rasa yang kukira dalam itu ternyata sudah mendangkal. Aku lihat jajaran gambar virtualmu, tidak lagi begitu menyengat di hati. Maka kemudian aku balas ucapanmu, dengan kata terima kasih.
Dari situ aku mulai membuka diri lagi padamu. Meski awalnya sulit, karena dari sedih aku merasa kecewa. Dari kecewa aku kemudian marah. Dari marah barulah aku merasa biasa saja. Seperti sekarang ini.
Sekarang ini aku harus berterima kasih kepadamu, dan barangkali meminta maaf. Terima kasih telah hadir dan mengingatkan bahwa aku masih punya hati. Yang masih berfungsi. Yang masih bisa menyayangi. Terima kasih juga telah mendewasakan aku, tepat di umur yang ke 26 ini, aku merasa jauh lebih dewasa daripada aku setahun yang lalu.
Lalu maaf, apabila ada cara-caraku yang membuat kamu tersakiti. Semoga kamu tahu, tidak ada sedikit pun niat dariku untuk membuat kamu semakin menderita. Aku hanya berusaha melakukan hal yang baik untukmu kedepannya, dan juga untuk aku.
It must have been love, but it's over now.
Rasa tidak dapat dienyahkan. Tapi dapat dijejaki. Diurai pelan-pelan. Hingga akhirnya sadar aku tidak lagi menyelam. Aku sudah kembali di daratan.
Begitulah mungkin yang terjadi sebulan kemarin. Sebulan yang bisaku bilang adalah penuh dengan keajaiban. Ajaib adalah hal yang terjadi di luar kepatutan. Yang terjadi melanggar norma keharusan. Kamu perlu tahu. Hidupku penuh kejaran akan kepatutan. Apalagi dengan keharusan.
Tapi tidak dengan sebulan kemarin.
Sejujurnya, aku tidak menyesal. Tapi tidak juga mau mengulang.
Semua bermula dari aku yang bosan. Aku sadar dunia penuh dengan berbagai macam orang. Aku hanya ingin kenal. Di luar dari yang selama ini aku tahu, bukan yang aman-aman.
Duniaku sempit. Hampir semua orang tahu sama tahu. Hampir semua orang memiliki pertemanan yang beririsan. Orang-orang yang menganggap dirinya jauh dari kebodohan. Yang merasa lebih baik sendiri daripada itu kesetiakawanan. Yang fokus mengejar kemapanan. Menggelinjang kala membayangkan ketidakcukupan. Dengan yang seperti itu, aku sudah kenyang.
Maka aku mencoba membuka diri. Setidaknya, sebatas itu niatku di awal.
Hingga kemudian muncul kamu pada suatu malam.
Tidak ada yang luar biasa. Belum terlihat batang hidung si keajaiban. Namun aku tahu aku merasa senang. Masih ada jiwa yang dapat diajak berteman. Tanpa persyaratan.
Percik keajaiban mulai datang kala kamu menawarkan jemputan. Jujur kala itu aku bimbang. Apa yang sedang kulakukan?
Tapi aku ingat kamu bilang bahwa tidak ingin macam-macam. Hanya ingin berteman. Maka setidaknya disitu kita satu pikiran. Kemudian aku pun mengiyakan. Aku biarkan seorang yang belum ku kenal untuk mengetahui dimana aku bekerja dan dimana aku tinggal. Apa lagi itu jika bukan percik keajaiban?
Karena kita sudah pernah bertemu, meskipun aku belum lihat muka kamu, aku jadi tahu bahwa setidaknya kamu nyata, tidak maya. Lain-lainnya tidak terlalu aku pikirkan. Aku juga bukan tipe perempuan yang kesepian. Aku bahagia dengan diriku sendiri. Bila nanti dapat menemani dan ditemani, itu bonus saja.
Pertemuan kedua, masih jelas dalam ingatan. Aku memakai baju tidur dengan jaket seadanya. Tidak ada usaha. Tak apa, aku pikir. Namanya berteman bukan kosmetik yang utama. Bila pun aku tidak cantik dan kamu jadi enggan, ruginya bukan di aku. Aku malah beruntung terhindar dari mahluk yang gemar pada kemasan.
Sekali bertemu kamu langsung bercerita tentang ayahmu. Aku disitu banyak diam terpaku. Aku juga anak ayah. Kehilangan beliau pasti akan mengubah hidupku dan seisinya. Mungkin kamu juga begitu. Maka aku mendengar, mengambil pelajaran. Sepertinya aku bisa mulai percaya kamu, karena kamu percaya padaku lebih dulu.
Pertemuan ketiga, keempat, dan selanjutnya, tidak akan aku uraikan satu-satu. Bukan karena aku tidak ingat. Bukan. Tapi aku anggap semuanya adalah satu kesatuan. Sebuah kesatuan dalam balutan keajaiban.
Sudah hampir dua tahun aku betul-betul tidak merasakan apa yang kemarin aku rasa. Jujur aku sempat hampir lupa. Lupa rasanya bagaimana itu nyaman dapat dengan jumawa menjalari hati. Tanpa harus kamu lakukan apa-apa. Tanpa aku harus berusaha.
Lupa akan rasa ketenangan yang kita sama-sama bawa. Seakan kalau bersama, bagaimana pun kerasnya dunia akan bisa kita jalani.
Lupa rasanya candu pada kehadiran sebuah jiwa. Jiwa yang ternyata sama-sama mengingini.
Ketika itu aku malu pada waktu. Ia masih begitu muda tapi rasaku sudah begitu dalam. Tapi aku lihat kamu. Yang begitu yakin. Yang begitu bernyali. Hingga rasa malu ku itu tidak ada gunanya.
Sampai pada waktunya, percik keajaiban liar membakar dirinya sendiri. Hingga padam. Hingga menjadi abu.
Aku dan prinsipku, malam itu menangis sejadi-jadinya. Aku merasa dikhianati. Oleh fakta yang tersembunyi. Oleh hal yang tidak kuketahui. Yang ternyata kamu tutupi.
Aku kecewa. Amat kecewa. Modal ketenangan dan kepercayaan itu seperti dikali nol. Habis. Aku jadi tidak tahu apa yang bisa aku percaya dan tidak dari kamu. Aku jadi sadar bahwa sesungguhnya aku dan kamu adalah orang yang tidak kenal satu sama lain. Aku tidak tahu kamu.
Aku tidak pernah membayangkan diriku ada di posisi seperti itu. Dan aku tidak mau ada disitu.
Aku berhak mendapatkan cinta dengan cara yang lebih baik. Mungkin begitu juga kamu. Tidak seperti itu.
Aku juga tidak percaya dengan diriku sendiri. Sangat ingin aku balas pesan-pesan kamu. Tapi aku tahu, sekali aku meladenimu lagi, kita tidak akan pernah selesai. Dan pada saat itu, perasaanku ke kamu belum berubah. Masih ada. Masih seperti itu.
Maka aku putuskan semua jalur komunikasi kita. Lebih baik demikian. Aku perlu menghentikan kecanduanku pada kamu. Biar kamu tahu, inilah yang patut untuk dilakukan. Dalam keadaan seperti itu, menghentikan rasa kita jadi sebuah keharusan. Kamu sudah tahu. Hidupku penuh kejaran akan kepatutan. Apalagi dengan keharusan.
Hari terus berjalan. Tidak mudah memang. Tapi aku tahu, setidaknya aku melakukan hal yang benar.
Hingga tiba hari ulang tahunku. Kamu yang pertama kali mengirimkan ucapan. Pagi harinya aku berpikir, apa yang aku rasakan ke kamu saat itu?
Bagiku, rasa yang kukira dalam itu ternyata sudah mendangkal. Aku lihat jajaran gambar virtualmu, tidak lagi begitu menyengat di hati. Maka kemudian aku balas ucapanmu, dengan kata terima kasih.
Dari situ aku mulai membuka diri lagi padamu. Meski awalnya sulit, karena dari sedih aku merasa kecewa. Dari kecewa aku kemudian marah. Dari marah barulah aku merasa biasa saja. Seperti sekarang ini.
Sekarang ini aku harus berterima kasih kepadamu, dan barangkali meminta maaf. Terima kasih telah hadir dan mengingatkan bahwa aku masih punya hati. Yang masih berfungsi. Yang masih bisa menyayangi. Terima kasih juga telah mendewasakan aku, tepat di umur yang ke 26 ini, aku merasa jauh lebih dewasa daripada aku setahun yang lalu.
Lalu maaf, apabila ada cara-caraku yang membuat kamu tersakiti. Semoga kamu tahu, tidak ada sedikit pun niat dariku untuk membuat kamu semakin menderita. Aku hanya berusaha melakukan hal yang baik untukmu kedepannya, dan juga untuk aku.
It must have been love, but it's over now.
20180509
The Fear of the Unknown
"Did you still wear hijab when you were there?" is the question people often asked me back home.
"Nggak diapa-apain teh?"
Many Indonesians assume that ALL Western people hate Muslims. So the idea of showing the symbol of Muslim in a foreign land sounds terrifying. Especially for those who aren't fortunate enough to ever travel outside Indonesia.
Under this condition, I feel responsible to ease the tension.
There are plenty of negative stories out there regarding being a Muslim in a foreign country. Truth be told, I've never experienced any single one.
All of my friends, neighbours, and also strangers are good to me. When I, a girl with Asian face wearing hijab, walked from the library to city center past midnight alone, guess what happened to her? Nothing. I went to O2 Academy, alone, singing my heart out in Lukas Graham's gig. Nothing happened. Went to friend's birthday party and only drink tap water. No one bats an eye. One time when I was going to have a milkshake, they're the one who immediately warned me that there's an alcohol in it. Apparently, no one care enough to hate me and do 'racist' things. They don't care if you are a Muslim or what. They respect my choices. And I respect theirs.
Back in July 2017, one of my friends did ask me some questions.
"Hi girl! How's it going? We haven't talked in a very very long time!! How's the dissertation process going for you? I'm sorry about last week, that I didn't have time to stop and talk to you. I had to go to Edinburgh and catch a certain train and I was running really late! Anyway, I have a question for you. I am starting to contribute to this blog of a friend of mine and I want to do a series that are called "10 questions you've always wanted to ask to [....]" For one of these editions, I want to ask women with a hijab. Yesterday I've already interviewed S**m*a (from Gaza, I think you know her) and she told me that It'd maybe good to interview somebody else as well, as every person has his/her own perspectives. Therefore I was wondering if you would maybe like to participate? I think the easiest would be to just send you the questions, but if you want we can also meet to do it. If you have doubts or feel uncomfortable about this no problem, you don't have to do it. The questions are quite blunt, but that's because I think many people in The Netherlands don't know why women wear a hijab and I want to create more awareness. So.. lemme know^ ^^"
You know what? I realised that we often shut ourselves away from them so they don't even have a chance to ask. I then participated in her project. It was more an eye-opening experience for me than it is for her.
"I warn you, they are quite blunt, but that's because it's called "10 questions you've always wanted to ask to [...] but didn't dare to ask. I hope it will increase awareness and understanding like I said before."
I convinced her that she can shoot me any questions and I won't be offended at all. So here is our online interview we had. I tried to present it in the most pleasant form to read.
---
"Why do you wear a hijab?"
"Here is my attempt to answer your question. The reason of why I wear a hijab cannot be separated from the reason of why I choose to be a Muslim. Although it can be said that I become a Muslim because of the 'legacy' in the first place--like, because my parents are Muslims so that I accustomed to be one throughout my childhood)--I decided to 'stayed' Muslim because this particular way of life is the one that brings me peace at heart. In my logic, when I choose to be something, I cannot cherrypick the principles, can't I? And hijab is only the little part of being a Muslim that I try to comply. For disclaimer, I am far from being a truly 'good' Muslim as I am still learning how to be one."
"Do you feel like the hijab restricts you from doing anything? From your freedom? And when did you start wearing a hijab?"
"Luckily for me, I never feel like the hijab restricts me from doing anything in terms of daily activities. It does restrict me in a different way, however. I realise that wherever I go, I'm not only bringing my individual identity as Tita. Rather, I also bring the name of Islam in my shoulder. This related to the next question of when did I start wearing a hijab. I started wearing hijab in my eleventh grade (second year of high school). I remember in the tenth grade I uttered my decision to wear hijab to my older sister, she instead asked me the philosophical question. Why do I want to wear it? Do I realise what it entails? She was asking those questions not to mock or belittle my decision, she asked to make sure that I am aware that once I wear it, I will become a physical symbol of my religion. My act will no longer be only associated with me, but with Islam as a whole. She wanted me to be aware that I wear hijab beyond the reason of conformity nor fashion. Not because I blindly accepted what the society there ask me to do, but because I learn the Quran and came to my own conclusion that wearing it is my way to honour God out of my free choice. At first, I was in doubt, I cancelled my decision and keep on learning about it. The next year in my sophomore year, I made my mind and started to wear hijab to school and whenever I go. So yes, hijab does restrict me from doing the things that are the opposite of Islamic tenets, somehow.."
"What's the difference between Tita with and without the hijab?"
"The difference between Tita with and without the hijab would probably and should be nothing. I always remind myself the fact that hijab is only a piece of cloth after all. I should not overemphasise the magic of it. Now that I wear hijab because of my intention to comply with my religion and I feel convenient to wear it, other people might have a different reason or interpretation about their relationship with religion and hijab itself."
"How do you feel about Muslims who do not wear a hijab? Why don't men wear a hijab?"
"I don't really know the definitive answer since I never specifically feel anything until you ask this question. For me, hijab is part of my religious journey to become a better Muslim. I have no right to judge other Muslims who don't wear a hijab since I never truly know their story and intention behind the outside layer. Physical things must not triumph over substantial things, beyond the surface. And from what I understand, Muslim men also wear hijab. The term hijab itself simply means 'cover' and modesty. To dress modestly and cover private areas. The thing is, the Quran defines the private area of women and men differently which I think I can agree on."
"Who gets to see you without the hijab?"
"My families and other women get to see me without the hijab. Actually, there are exact verses in the Quran and hadith that determine who gets to see Muslim women without the hijab. But as I told you that I am far from being an ideal Muslim, not proud of it tho, I still made many mistakes. Sometimes when I was at home, I let other people see me without the proper hijab just because I'm too lazy to change. See? Who am I to judge other Muslims while I still got tons of things to be improved myself."
"How do you look without the hijab?"
"More chubby, I guess" *laugh* "I don't know. I don't feel any significant difference."
"How do you feel about Western people who don't wear a hijab?"
"I feel that they're entitled to wear whatever they want to. The thing is, I love to put myself in other people's shoes. If I was born in a western country, raised with a different family, undergone different socialisation throughout my childhood and teenage years, I would become exactly the same as them, wouldn't I? My choices, knowledge, and faith might be different with what I have now. People live their life based on what they do comprehend. Now I choose to learn more about Islam and try to comply its principle because I already feel at peace and found a true happiness in it. I mean, what most people seek in life, peace at heart, I feel like I already have it. But who knows if I would change my mind in the future because of such and such things--though I hope not--cause I'm only human after all.."
---
I took a deep breath once I answered all the questions. No one in my life ever has the audacity to ask the things that I take for granted. And I thanked her.
Almost one year later, the interview ended up nowhere because she caught up in many things (you know, life) and I also forgot if I ever answered this kind of things. Just recently, triggered by the question on top of this post, I asked her if it's okay to put this interview on my blog instead.
I conclude that the prejudice between Indonesian Muslims and Western people mushroomed because we simply don't know each other well. In fact, there are so many misunderstanding in life that could be solved by asking questions and have a normal conversation about it.
Her questions are my epiphany. Instead of being so afraid of anything we don't have actual experiences yet, or being so negative about anything we don't really know, what about asking questions to a real people? And instead of getting offended if anyone asks you one, answer.
Have a conversation.
Approach the unknown.
20171119
"How do you feel?"
"How do you feel?"
"About what?"
"About life in general."
"It's.. all fine I guess."
"Come on. You're the one who told me to watch Mel Robbins. Now you use that word? Fine?"
"Shoot. I thought you didn't watch her at all. You're not a self-help junkie like me."
"And yet.. You recommended me all that 'junk'"
"Hey!"
"Kidding. I know those things matter to you a lot, so I did try to gobble it."
"Wait. Really?"
"I even read the books, two of 'em."
"What? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't have to report all of my activities to you, do I?"
"But that'll make me happy. Knowing that you listen to me. Knowing that my stuffs matter."
"I know you knew already"
"Ok. You're right."
"So, how do you feel?"
"Mm.. Lonely?"
"You are?"
"Yes. And it's not the kind of shallow lonely. I can call my friends anytime if I wanted to but that's not the point. It's the kind of 'mature' lonely."
"Care to collaborate...?"
"You know, that life is consist of sequence of occurrences. I've been keeping my life, my feelings, to myself lately. Sure I met people everyday but for the core of my being, I went through it alone. I felt really lonely now. But I just know that I'm doing the right thing. That's what I meant. Like, being lonely sucks but at the same time I know that it's a right thing for me now. You know, being mature and stuffs."
"That's.. pretty deep. I didn't know you'd feel that way"
"Neither do I. But since you ask, I gotta answer. That's the word that appeared first in my mind."
"So.. You wouldn't do anything about it, would you?"
"Nope. I'm gonna let that feeling sink in. So I'll appreciate more things in life, say, like a conversation like this. Which happens.."
"Once every blue moon."
"Once every blue moon. Right."
"Should I call you more often?"
"No. Not at all. Don't."
"Why?"
"You know why. It's easier this way."
"Right. Sorry."
"You don't have to say sorry. It's not your fault nor mine. Let's just curse the universe."
"Well. F**k you, universe!"
"Every curse-word humankind discovered, universe!"
"Haha.."
"So.. now it's my turn to ask. How do you feel?"
"Could you even be more creative?"
"O ow.. Somebody's afraid of his own feeling."
"Damn."
"How do you feel, really."
"I feel.. Confuse."
"Yeah? Like, what kind of confuse?"
"It's the opposite of your confidence that you're doing the right thing, I thought I did everything right but it turns out.. not enough. It's not enough. And now I'm doubting myself and every value I have."
"That's even deeper than my lonely thing."
"Is it?"
"Yes. But how do you know that it's not enough?"
"You know that you have an expectation that in certain age you'll do certain things. It's an unfulfilled expectation that made me doubt myself."
"I think I know where it leads"
"You do certainly"
"Although you're so typical. I do feel genuinely sorry for your confusion."
"Okay. Thanks..?"
"But let me tell you that even chimpanzee can find their partner and reproduce. But not all people has the ability like yours. You're intelligent, has an impact for the world, and most of all, kind-hearted"
"Whoa. Stop it there, I didn't mean to.."
"Na ah. Sometimes we cannot see what other people see in ourselves. So I gotta be blunt in reminding you that you're awesome."
"Okay.."
"It's okay to be confuse, I guess. God knows how complicated your past relationship was, bless your soul. But I won't ever let you degrade yourself."
"We should really talk more often"
"Don't you dare."
"Haha.. I'm just messing up"
"But all in all, are you in a good shape right now?"
"Yes. There are minor problems that make my life more colourful. But I can handle it. And you?"
"I'm still struggling with my addiction. But you know, I'm trying to mend the core of the problem, not replacing one addiction with another."
"My heart goes to all your effort"
"Thanks"
"I hope you'll always be alright"
"You too"
"I really do"
"Me too"
"Okay then.. Time to back to our mundane life."
"Time's up for us"
"Time's up"
"Talk to you again... when?"
"When the blue moon come"
"When the blue moon come"
"About what?"
"About life in general."
"It's.. all fine I guess."
"Come on. You're the one who told me to watch Mel Robbins. Now you use that word? Fine?"
"Shoot. I thought you didn't watch her at all. You're not a self-help junkie like me."
"And yet.. You recommended me all that 'junk'"
"Hey!"
"Kidding. I know those things matter to you a lot, so I did try to gobble it."
"Wait. Really?"
"I even read the books, two of 'em."
"What? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't have to report all of my activities to you, do I?"
"But that'll make me happy. Knowing that you listen to me. Knowing that my stuffs matter."
"I know you knew already"
"Ok. You're right."
"So, how do you feel?"
"Mm.. Lonely?"
"You are?"
"Yes. And it's not the kind of shallow lonely. I can call my friends anytime if I wanted to but that's not the point. It's the kind of 'mature' lonely."
"Care to collaborate...?"
"You know, that life is consist of sequence of occurrences. I've been keeping my life, my feelings, to myself lately. Sure I met people everyday but for the core of my being, I went through it alone. I felt really lonely now. But I just know that I'm doing the right thing. That's what I meant. Like, being lonely sucks but at the same time I know that it's a right thing for me now. You know, being mature and stuffs."
"That's.. pretty deep. I didn't know you'd feel that way"
"Neither do I. But since you ask, I gotta answer. That's the word that appeared first in my mind."
"So.. You wouldn't do anything about it, would you?"
"Nope. I'm gonna let that feeling sink in. So I'll appreciate more things in life, say, like a conversation like this. Which happens.."
"Once every blue moon."
"Once every blue moon. Right."
"Should I call you more often?"
"No. Not at all. Don't."
"Why?"
"You know why. It's easier this way."
"Right. Sorry."
"You don't have to say sorry. It's not your fault nor mine. Let's just curse the universe."
"Well. F**k you, universe!"
"Every curse-word humankind discovered, universe!"
"Haha.."
"So.. now it's my turn to ask. How do you feel?"
"Could you even be more creative?"
"O ow.. Somebody's afraid of his own feeling."
"Damn."
"How do you feel, really."
"I feel.. Confuse."
"Yeah? Like, what kind of confuse?"
"It's the opposite of your confidence that you're doing the right thing, I thought I did everything right but it turns out.. not enough. It's not enough. And now I'm doubting myself and every value I have."
"That's even deeper than my lonely thing."
"Is it?"
"Yes. But how do you know that it's not enough?"
"You know that you have an expectation that in certain age you'll do certain things. It's an unfulfilled expectation that made me doubt myself."
"I think I know where it leads"
"You do certainly"
"Although you're so typical. I do feel genuinely sorry for your confusion."
"Okay. Thanks..?"
"But let me tell you that even chimpanzee can find their partner and reproduce. But not all people has the ability like yours. You're intelligent, has an impact for the world, and most of all, kind-hearted"
"Whoa. Stop it there, I didn't mean to.."
"Na ah. Sometimes we cannot see what other people see in ourselves. So I gotta be blunt in reminding you that you're awesome."
"Okay.."
"It's okay to be confuse, I guess. God knows how complicated your past relationship was, bless your soul. But I won't ever let you degrade yourself."
"We should really talk more often"
"Don't you dare."
"Haha.. I'm just messing up"
"But all in all, are you in a good shape right now?"
"Yes. There are minor problems that make my life more colourful. But I can handle it. And you?"
"I'm still struggling with my addiction. But you know, I'm trying to mend the core of the problem, not replacing one addiction with another."
"My heart goes to all your effort"
"Thanks"
"I hope you'll always be alright"
"You too"
"I really do"
"Me too"
"Okay then.. Time to back to our mundane life."
"Time's up for us"
"Time's up"
"Talk to you again... when?"
"When the blue moon come"
"When the blue moon come"
20170928
Shut Up, Zuckerberg
"Our bodies are programmed to consume fat and sugars because they're rare in nature. ... In the same way, we're biologically programmed to be attentive to things that stimulate: content that is gross, violent, or sexual and that gossip which is humiliating, embarrassing, or offensive. If we're not careful, we're going to develop the psychological equivalent of obesity. We'll find ourselves consuming content that is least beneficial for ourselves or society as a whole." Danah Boyd in the 'Filter Bubble: What the Internet is Hiding From You', Eli Pariser, 2011.This particular paragraph got me thinking: I'm a lil bit overweight physically, is it possible that I'm also psychologically overweight..?
Honestly, I know nothing about psychology. But I gotta agree that the feeling after binge-scrolling 9gag (or YouTube comment section) is close to the feeling after binge-eating fat and sugars. It initially made me happy, but at the end of the day, I feel crappy. Stuffed. Guilty.
The effect becomes more tangible when that particular action distracts me from the work I should be doing. Between finding out the reason why Hannah Baker killed herself and revising the literature review, which one I should do first? A tough choice, right?
I've been constantly in that battle for the past one year. To my surprise, for one year I had to write roughly 50.000 words (approx. 150 pages) of academic work in total with no/minimal supervision. My limited capability in both substance and language is one thing. But combined with the distraction of the mighty internet, it is such a daunting task to be done.
But yet, it's all done on time. And I feel obliged to share how it's done so that any mediocre students would have a hope.
In the world full of distraction, doing a deep work such as reading a long passage or writing is difficult. Read one paragraph of a journal and the notification beep. Write one sentence and suddenly an urge to check Facebook is unbearable. You intended to just check for one minute. But twenty minutes had been wasted before you realise. The cycle goes on and on.
First of all, if you get hooked on 'the internet' and it has crippled your productivity, don't feel hopeless yet. Let me tell you that it is a perfectly normal situation. Why? Because they are actually designed to be addictive.
The love you get for your artistic post of your hand holding an ice cream makes you feel validated. The quest of interesting information on Facebook feels exhilarating. Even though you haven't found any interesting post, you just keep scrolling because you believe that you might find one. Instagram, Facebook, Netflix, 9gag, etc, are the companies that targeting us to spend more time in them. Facebook bought Instagram in 2012 for $1 billion. Netflix is an American entertainment company with a $6.77 billion revenue in 2015. 9gag is a Hong Kong-based online platform with the estimated annual revenue of $5.4 million. They are profit-seeking companies after all. They'll do anything to keep us on the hook.
Now the choice is completely ours, do we want to let them dictate how we live our life or the other way? With this awareness, I sometimes whisper, "Shut up, Zuckerberg" every time I tempted to open Facebook in the middle of working. Zuckerberg won't help me to graduate, will he?
But still, a knowledge alone won't stop us from doing what we shouldn't be doing. I know that deep-fried Oreo have no nutrition except fat, but still, I eat plenty of it.
We need a strategy. In facing the challenge of writing an essay, sometimes the reason why I ended up scrolling timeline aimlessly is that because I have no idea what to do. To be precise, I have no idea what to do first. I got intimidated by the amount of work I should be doing. Then I choose to avoid the tension by looking at something more entertaining.
The most effective strategy that I've tried is dividing the work into small friendly chunks and start from there. If it is still intimidating, then make it smaller. For instance, you gotta write 3000 words of an essay about how public opinion affect policy. You have narrowed down the topic, you made the outline, but you have no idea how to start and you found yourself watching cats jumping from the cucumber for the past one hour.
A broad essay outline is never sufficient for me. I often still have no idea what to do. I have to break it down into each paragraph and start from there. For the imaginary essay above, let's say I have written the main ideas of every paragraph and start with 150 words of the conceptualisation of public opinion. When I wrote that exact paragraph, all I have to do is focusing myself to finish the 150 words and forget the rest, let alone the other essays. It is less intimidating and feels more feasible. In addition, sparing 15 minutes in the beginning of the day to make a meticulous schedule is also helpful for avoiding me from the confusion.
To triumph over the distractions, I put purpose in every boring stuff I have to do. In reading journals, for instance, I gotta know what answer that I'm looking for and if anything beyond that interests me, that's great. In writing, I gotta know the purpose of my writing as well as its each paragraph so I don't feel lost. If I enjoy the work, I often am surprised by how not appealing all distractions become.
Beyond the essay writing, even in a free time, the feeling after doing any deep work that actually beneficial for me is rewarding. Finishing a good book never leave me crappy. Instead, I feel contented and inspired. Engaging in a fruitful discussion and being productive never leave me guilty. Instead, I feel happier. I come close to a conclusion that doing a deep work is one of the keys to happiness. And like every 'key to happiness' phrase, it is not an easy thing to do. Avoiding the less useful materials dispersed in basically everywhere requires serious determination.
If we are accustomed to measuring the physical obesity by using a body mass index calculator, I guess I can tell if I start to develop a psychological 'excess fat'. The feeling of dissatisfaction and unhappiness, while my life's actually just fine, is one of the strongest signals. Whenever it strikes, I cut down the fat and sugars (put down my phone/close the streaming tab), put my shoes on (grab a good book/click the new entry button on my blog), and start working out (reading/writing).
Just as working your body out, you'll say "eating chips on the couch is more fun and easy" (scrolling Facebook is more fun and easy). But which one do you prefer? A crappy feeling of being stuffed and guilty or a sense of a true fulfilment in life?
The choice is all yours.
Of course, it's not limited to reading or writing. Creating music, drawing something, basically every activity that requires a demanding cognitive task could be defined as a deep working (Newport, 2016).
20170802
On One Decade
I was fourteen, Bush was the President of United States, Nokia was still ruling the world.
Back then, the internet is a fancy thing. I had to go to a shabby internet cafe to just log on and post something.
What fetus Tita taught me now is: applause from others is just a bonus. Regardless of whatever crap people give to us, the point lies in the effort to keep doing or creating what matters to us. The process of getting my thoughts to the written form has helped me release deep emotions which I often bottled up. Which is great. At least for me.
Back then, the internet is a fancy thing. I had to go to a shabby internet cafe to just log on and post something.
Commemorating the years we've been together, me and this platform, I will try to distil three things that I have learned from our togetherness. As if nothing good comes out of it, I better shut this blog down, don't I?
First and foremost: When no one cares about what you think or do, it doesn't mean it isn't worth it.
The toxic mindset in this era of social media is that each of your idea, expression, and creation have to be validated by the number of like and love you virtually get. The less the like you get, the less worthy it is. To me, the whole concept doesn't make sense. If back in 2007 I was consumed by the idea of how no one cares about my imaginations, rants, and thoughts, I would have stopped express myself by writing and lost the precious chance to see the evolution of myself in the past one decade. Such a big loss.
The toxic mindset in this era of social media is that each of your idea, expression, and creation have to be validated by the number of like and love you virtually get. The less the like you get, the less worthy it is. To me, the whole concept doesn't make sense. If back in 2007 I was consumed by the idea of how no one cares about my imaginations, rants, and thoughts, I would have stopped express myself by writing and lost the precious chance to see the evolution of myself in the past one decade. Such a big loss.
What fetus Tita taught me now is: applause from others is just a bonus. Regardless of whatever crap people give to us, the point lies in the effort to keep doing or creating what matters to us. The process of getting my thoughts to the written form has helped me release deep emotions which I often bottled up. Which is great. At least for me.
Second lesson: This, too, shall pass.
Being able to capture the feelings and hurdles in the past ten years, I have a vivid memory about how any problems in life would finally be solved, or at least how it finally became more manageable. Sometimes the process is slow and hurtful, sometimes it isn't as difficult as we projected to be. And no, as much as we like to say that we are stuck this way: yah saya mah gini-gini aja, we actually are growing without we even realise.
Our capacity to handle problems has somehow expanded. Our mindset evolved. The first three years of this blog is filled with my teenage rage. There were times I felt like Simple Plan translated my life perfectly.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong, and no one understands you?
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears you screaming?
I literally often locked myself in my room and being an unpleasant teenager. I often blamed the situation, I often blamed my parents for having to went through what I had been through. Little did I know about the pain and suffer that cut them deeply too. Little did I know that parents are people. They have their own life before us. They have their own baggage from the past too. Now, how about an attempt to understand them? That's the least I can do compared to the sacrifices they made for me.
The teenage angst has way long gone. The real anxiety over quarter life crises, however, has just begun.
In a big picture, life is such a distinct period within a process of change. If we persistent enough, we at least get a chance to see how the future eventually unfold. Surrender then become irrelevant because this, too, my friend, shall pass.
Our capacity to handle problems has somehow expanded. Our mindset evolved. The first three years of this blog is filled with my teenage rage. There were times I felt like Simple Plan translated my life perfectly.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong, and no one understands you?
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears you screaming?
I literally often locked myself in my room and being an unpleasant teenager. I often blamed the situation, I often blamed my parents for having to went through what I had been through. Little did I know about the pain and suffer that cut them deeply too. Little did I know that parents are people. They have their own life before us. They have their own baggage from the past too. Now, how about an attempt to understand them? That's the least I can do compared to the sacrifices they made for me.
The teenage angst has way long gone. The real anxiety over quarter life crises, however, has just begun.
In a big picture, life is such a distinct period within a process of change. If we persistent enough, we at least get a chance to see how the future eventually unfold. Surrender then become irrelevant because this, too, my friend, shall pass.
Third: People come and go. And that's okay. (At least it has to be)
It is not too hard to find the pattern that I had different companions from time to time. Circle of friends are changed, people in and out. A delightful meeting. A devastating goodbye. Close friends become distant. Recent acquaintances become close. New individual to get to know. New stories to be exchanged. It struck me how natural it is for people to come and go in life. How we cannot (and should not) cling to any person other than ourselves. We, indeed, can love. Can like. Can adore. Can care. There are particular people who stay a little longer than others. But we have to be aware that the farewell is real. And it might happen in the most unintended way beyond our will. Knowing that we will eventually be apart in no time, I no longer have doubt to show the affection I have towards people.
As bitter as it may sounds, farewell and goodbye, it reveals the essential lesson in life: we should not underestimate the relationship between us and ourselves. Because no matter who our companions are, we will be stuck with ourselves for the rest of our life.
As bitter as it may sounds, farewell and goodbye, it reveals the essential lesson in life: we should not underestimate the relationship between us and ourselves. Because no matter who our companions are, we will be stuck with ourselves for the rest of our life.
This post has reached its end. Here is a bonus of me circa 2008 in the most natural settings with the most natural pose.
 |
Me, braces, and white frame. #cringe
|
20170618
The tale of one ride
When my favourite Coldplay's song played on my earphones while I am alone riding a bicycle to a road full of trees on my way, the sky was clear and the birds were chirping, I was wondering, how good can life get from this?
For a second I forgot about all the worries. Like, how are my dissertation going. What am I going to do for a living. Can I ever be falling again. With whom. Etc.
That moment has made me think, it is not the grandeur of superficial achievement that constructs contentment. It is the small mundane thing that matters the most. The ordinary everyday events that made up life.
I am not saying that the big thing in life does not matter, it does indeed. But those big milestones cannot stand by themselves, they are built upon smaller stones. And we cannot throw those small chunks overboard. I suppose, comparing to the big milestones, it is the small chunks of life that influence ourselves the most.
Imagine the things we wanted to achieve or places we wanted to be. Let it be the dream job, university, status, degree of wealth, holiday destination, or anything. Once we conquer those, I dare to say that we still won't be happy 24/7. Because the big picture cannot constantly determine our state of being, it is the smallest event that counts.
Like, the running rabbits in front of your flat. The unexpected loose of bike chains before going to the library. The reduced price of your favourite sandwich. The eureka moment when the deadline approaches. The warmth of Koyo on your sore feet. The rejected job application. The forgotten fivers in your pocket. The blooming flowers under the ray of sun. The short emails from your supervisor. The message that sent to the wrong people. The call from home. The hug from a friend. The unpretentious beauty of Scottish canal.
As the ordinary mundane event matters, it effortlessly came to my mind the idea of being more present in the present. There are too many times I immersed myself in the memories. I was happy in the past at such and such a time. Or times I fantasised about the future. I will be happy when I have done this, achieved that, went somewhere, and so on. Upon the tranquillity of the Clyde riverside, my inner guts told me to minimise those series of pleasant thoughts that distract my attention from the present. Because after all, no matter how unappealing the present may seem, it is the only moment that is real. I suddenly comprehend raison d'etre of the famous clichè phrase 'cherish every moment'.
As the gentle wind freshen up my mind, Mumford & Sons hijacked my earphones, I stumbled upon another realisation. It is not the title behind the name that makes a story. It is the human connection I made along the year. Other people may or may not notice how difficult it is for me to make new connections. As I am pretty reserved and timid, human interaction and socialisation have never become my strength. The way I talk or act often made myself cringe. In terms of human connection, I had expected nothing from this merely one year journey.
But it is when we are expecting the least, life gives us things more than we can imagine. I am not talking about the social networking with the big number of people for exact purposes. I am talking about the warm connections that made myself feel at home. The city itself has always amazed me with its hospitality. Let it be the people I don't know or the people I know. The people from here or from afar. This one single year makes me believe that, unlike Hobbes' conception of the state of nature, humans are basically kind. I don't know what makes people so kind and caring here though. Perhaps the tap water.
My smug self indeed had expected nothing from this one year journey. I thought I had enough close friends back home so that getting closer to new people was never my priority. Man, was I wrong. It is the camaraderie that keeps me going, keeps me sane. The sense of togetherness, the chat of desperation, the mutual respect and understanding, the companionship, the cordial relations. As a matter of fact, every person I have known here has a special place in my heart.
Speaking of human connection, I instantly remembered one of the TEDx speakers who spoke about his 75 years of studying people's life. He said, the clearest lessons that they got from three generation of researchers researching men's life is that: good quality relationship keeps people happier and healthier. The relationship here refers to the broad context. I recalled he mentioned something about the fact that people who are socially connected to family, friends, or community are happier and physically healthier. Now what he said totally makes sense to me.
As my mind wanders in the more indescribable manner, I appreciate every inch of the city. Three months left until I come back to my country. Three months is short. And the clock is always ticking.
For a second I forgot about all the worries. Like, how are my dissertation going. What am I going to do for a living. Can I ever be falling again. With whom. Etc.
That moment has made me think, it is not the grandeur of superficial achievement that constructs contentment. It is the small mundane thing that matters the most. The ordinary everyday events that made up life.
I am not saying that the big thing in life does not matter, it does indeed. But those big milestones cannot stand by themselves, they are built upon smaller stones. And we cannot throw those small chunks overboard. I suppose, comparing to the big milestones, it is the small chunks of life that influence ourselves the most.
Imagine the things we wanted to achieve or places we wanted to be. Let it be the dream job, university, status, degree of wealth, holiday destination, or anything. Once we conquer those, I dare to say that we still won't be happy 24/7. Because the big picture cannot constantly determine our state of being, it is the smallest event that counts.
Like, the running rabbits in front of your flat. The unexpected loose of bike chains before going to the library. The reduced price of your favourite sandwich. The eureka moment when the deadline approaches. The warmth of Koyo on your sore feet. The rejected job application. The forgotten fivers in your pocket. The blooming flowers under the ray of sun. The short emails from your supervisor. The message that sent to the wrong people. The call from home. The hug from a friend. The unpretentious beauty of Scottish canal.
As the ordinary mundane event matters, it effortlessly came to my mind the idea of being more present in the present. There are too many times I immersed myself in the memories. I was happy in the past at such and such a time. Or times I fantasised about the future. I will be happy when I have done this, achieved that, went somewhere, and so on. Upon the tranquillity of the Clyde riverside, my inner guts told me to minimise those series of pleasant thoughts that distract my attention from the present. Because after all, no matter how unappealing the present may seem, it is the only moment that is real. I suddenly comprehend raison d'etre of the famous clichè phrase 'cherish every moment'.
As the gentle wind freshen up my mind, Mumford & Sons hijacked my earphones, I stumbled upon another realisation. It is not the title behind the name that makes a story. It is the human connection I made along the year. Other people may or may not notice how difficult it is for me to make new connections. As I am pretty reserved and timid, human interaction and socialisation have never become my strength. The way I talk or act often made myself cringe. In terms of human connection, I had expected nothing from this merely one year journey.
But it is when we are expecting the least, life gives us things more than we can imagine. I am not talking about the social networking with the big number of people for exact purposes. I am talking about the warm connections that made myself feel at home. The city itself has always amazed me with its hospitality. Let it be the people I don't know or the people I know. The people from here or from afar. This one single year makes me believe that, unlike Hobbes' conception of the state of nature, humans are basically kind. I don't know what makes people so kind and caring here though. Perhaps the tap water.
My smug self indeed had expected nothing from this one year journey. I thought I had enough close friends back home so that getting closer to new people was never my priority. Man, was I wrong. It is the camaraderie that keeps me going, keeps me sane. The sense of togetherness, the chat of desperation, the mutual respect and understanding, the companionship, the cordial relations. As a matter of fact, every person I have known here has a special place in my heart.
Speaking of human connection, I instantly remembered one of the TEDx speakers who spoke about his 75 years of studying people's life. He said, the clearest lessons that they got from three generation of researchers researching men's life is that: good quality relationship keeps people happier and healthier. The relationship here refers to the broad context. I recalled he mentioned something about the fact that people who are socially connected to family, friends, or community are happier and physically healthier. Now what he said totally makes sense to me.
As my mind wanders in the more indescribable manner, I appreciate every inch of the city. Three months left until I come back to my country. Three months is short. And the clock is always ticking.
20170501
Mbakyu
Found an old note that struck me hard. Really hard.
Di pinggir sungai, di depan pasir bahan bangunan. Malam ini aku mengusir lapar.
Ah suara air itu bukanlah melankoli malam. Malam ini malam yang kuat, berkat Mbakyu ku yang satu ini. Yang menemaniku mengusir lapar. Mbakyu ku si penjual mie baso.Di pinggir sungai, di depan pasir bahan bangunan. Malam ini aku mengusir lapar.
Belum lama aku kenal, malah tidak pernah kenal. Tapi setidaknya aku hafal, Mbakyu ku ini yang badannya gemuk kulitnya hitam, rambutnya pula hitam diikat panjang. Sebelum meladangiku ditangannya ada benda yang kuhafal, rokok yang menyala. Jika aku datang sedang tak banyak pengunjung, selalu kutemuinya sedang menerawang sambil mengasap benda itu. Di pinggir sungai, di depan pasir bahan bangunan, Mbakyu ku ini mencari makan.
Harga mie basonya lima ribu saja. Dengan baso yang besar dan beberapa gelintir baso kecil-kecil. Mienya banyak. Sayurnya bisa minta yang banyak. Yang makan disini pun biasanya banyak. Seperti sekarang ini. Aku menikmati obrolan-obrolan yang muncul dari orang yang makan disini. Menaruhku pada benarnya kehidupan, benar-benar kehidupan yang nyata. Atau sering sebut itu realitas. Mereka adalah kaum Mbakyu ku. Yang sepertinya makan disini adalah istimewa, hadiah buat anaknya, atau hadiah buat ulangtahun pernikahannya. Disini, di mie baso yang lima ribu saja. Sedang aku disini dalam rangka menghemat. Dan ternyata yang lima ribu itu yang spesial bukan yang biasa.
Padahal kalau ayahku tahu dia akan mencibir. Makanan macam apa ini?
Ya, vetsinnya banyak garamnya juga mienya entah higienis atau tidak saosnya yang sebotol besar murah saja daging basonya entah segar entah tidak. Rasanya begitu khas, begitu terasa murahnya, membengkakan amandelku, tapi menyentuh sanubariku. Tempatnya bukan yang nyaman serta enak disinggahi, di pinggir sungai, di depan pasir bahan bangunan, bisa saja itu pasir-pasir terbang ke mangkukku tanpa kelihatan.
Malam ini mbakyu ku sedang tidak beruntung, listrik dari rumah yang ditumpangi buat gerobak ini sedang padam. Jadi dipasanglah lilin, remang-remang.
Pengunjung yang banyak ini saling berbicara, bahasa sunda tentunya. Ada yang baru beli handphone, yang murah bondling dengan provider itu. Lalu mereka membicarakan kelebihan-kelebihannya. Apa mereka kenal blackberrymessenger? Aku ragu. Tapi muka-mukanya itu pancarkan bahagia. Aku jadi ikut senang. Ada lagi yang sedang menasehati anaknya untuk belajar, jika ulangannya bagus akan diajak ia ke Griya oleh ibunya. Apa, Griya? Aku ragu mereka tahu Paris van Java disana. Juga anak yang ingin mencolok baso untuk dibawa kerumahnya, barangkali ia masih lapar. Tapi ayahnya bilang, "eeh atos atos!" Sudah-sudah. Mukanya pancarkan, kalau aku punya uang akan kubelikan semangkuk lagi, nak. Padahal di kantung bajuku mungkin cukup uang untuk mentraktir mereka berdua. Si Bapak itu memarahi anaknya yang ingin mencolok baso padahal seribu rupiah saja.
Datang lagi pengunjung dari kaumnya, menanyakan Mbakyu ku, "wah sudah pakai lpg sekarang?" Mbakyu ku sumringah lalu bilang iya. Dan mereka mengobrol tentang kebijakan pemerintah yang satu itu. Tigabelas ribu rupiah untuk satu tabung kecil adalah jumlah yang banyak ternyata, sampai mereka terus membicarakan tentang itu. Padahal bekalku sehari saja lebih banyak dari itu.
Semuanya menjadi ironi. Kemarin malam aku yang menjadi keparat buat mereka. Ketika Mbakyu ku ini menerawang, mungkin memikirkan biaya sekolah anaknya, biaya kontrakan, ingin pulang ke kampung atau apa, aku sedang duduk nyaman di tempat ber-AC yang memutar film. Biaya masuknya bisa buat bayar lpg tiga tabung.
Ah apapun. Yang penting ini mie aku habiskan.
Mbakyu ku ini kembali bersantai dan mengasap. Ingin sekali aku bilang, Mbakyu biaya rumah sakit itu mahal, buat apa kau sakiti paru-parumu. Tapi sudahlah tentang sakit dan umur siapa yang tahu. Asap ini juga bisa membuatku berpikir, berpikir lebih jauh dan dalam.
Mungkin Mbakyu menyadari sedari tadi aku diam karena datang hanya sendiri. Lalu dia mengajakku berbicara meski basa-basi. "Neng masih sekolah?" Aku jawab "Iya". "Sekolah dimana?" Aku beritahu sekolahku. Dia bilang wah, aku hanya tersenyum. Dia tanya bayarannya berapa. Aku jawab. Ekspresinya lebih wah lagi, yang sekarang aku tidak tersenyum tapi tanya kenapa. "Tidak sanggup", Mbakyu ku bilang.
Lalu dia bertanya, "Neng itu sekolah negeri atau swasta kok sampai segitu". Ya kujawab saja negeri. Mbakyu ku ini yang giliran tersenyum. Ah tak usah dilanjutkan, satu sama lain sama-sama tahu. Aku pun ikut tersenyum. Seakan ketidakberesan merupakan kelumrahan.
Baru sebentar begitu Mbakyu ku sibuk lagi. Melayani, meladangi. Pembeli pun agaknya puas. Mereka simbiosis mutualisme.
Baiklah Mbakyu, kalau kau tidak cukup berdaya, aku yang akan maju. Masih ada kesempatan bagiku untuk berdiri dan menjadi yang didengarkan. Ya, kaummu memberikan begitu banyak energi tanpa kalian tahu. Doakan aku, mbakyu.
Di pinggir sungai, di depan pasir bahan bangunan, aku belajar.
1 December 2009
20170403
You are enough
These may sound foreign in your mind. The judgment of others has flooded your aesthetic soul. Diminished the melodious voice inside your body. Left you desolated in silence. Vulnerable to the bone.
Today I want you to recall your forgotten song. I want you to revive what has been suppressed. The harmony that been long gone.
You are attractive enough. This word has been said to you in a connotative manner. Addressed to your soul. To your demeanour. To any abstract conception but your physical being. No. I will not let them put you out of the criteria. I will not let your consciousness sucked up by the artificial bias. The market-driven logic of the man-made industry. You are beautiful and let me stated it as a fact. Without a but. Your face is perfect as it is. Your hair is fine as you are. Your smile could brighten someone's day. Your presence could warm up the milieu. You just don't know. You just don't realise.
You are insightful enough. You may feel you are submerged in the stream of mediocrity. You laugh on your slow uptake. You underestimate your own capabilities. You feel less than others. But no. Every person has their own features. If only you listen to yourself, your intuition screams your salient feature that has been overlooked. And that distinctive attribute of yours has made somebody feel a yearning desire to be close to you. Maybe you know who it is. Maybe you don't know yet.
You are worthy enough. You have the qualities that deserve kind attention. You are precious as you are worthy of being adored. You are worthy of affection. To be treated with tenderness. To be treated with respect. To be dignified.
If, at all, you want to improve yourself, do it because it gives more meaning to your life and others. Do it as a means to rejoice yourself. Not as a punishment for your current being. Not as a prolonged cruelty, a continuous savagery from you to yourself for not being good enough.
Because after all, you are enough. And you deserve to feel that way.
Today I want you to recall your forgotten song. I want you to revive what has been suppressed. The harmony that been long gone.
You are attractive enough. This word has been said to you in a connotative manner. Addressed to your soul. To your demeanour. To any abstract conception but your physical being. No. I will not let them put you out of the criteria. I will not let your consciousness sucked up by the artificial bias. The market-driven logic of the man-made industry. You are beautiful and let me stated it as a fact. Without a but. Your face is perfect as it is. Your hair is fine as you are. Your smile could brighten someone's day. Your presence could warm up the milieu. You just don't know. You just don't realise.
You are insightful enough. You may feel you are submerged in the stream of mediocrity. You laugh on your slow uptake. You underestimate your own capabilities. You feel less than others. But no. Every person has their own features. If only you listen to yourself, your intuition screams your salient feature that has been overlooked. And that distinctive attribute of yours has made somebody feel a yearning desire to be close to you. Maybe you know who it is. Maybe you don't know yet.
You are worthy enough. You have the qualities that deserve kind attention. You are precious as you are worthy of being adored. You are worthy of affection. To be treated with tenderness. To be treated with respect. To be dignified.
If, at all, you want to improve yourself, do it because it gives more meaning to your life and others. Do it as a means to rejoice yourself. Not as a punishment for your current being. Not as a prolonged cruelty, a continuous savagery from you to yourself for not being good enough.
Because after all, you are enough. And you deserve to feel that way.
20170302
When the grass is greener
I started to realise that the kind of relationship I need now is a friendly companion and nothing more. And the decision I agreed on two months ago is, if brilliant is too strong, right.
I might weep about how being single has a detrimental effect on my own self-esteem. How I felt worthless knowing that someone whom I wholeheartedly adored is no longer interested in the time that I've invested nor the things that I said. How I felt like a failure to finally just walk out. How I felt disappointed with myself, with him, with the circumstances, with everything. How I felt the negativity consumed me.
Yes, I might weep thousand times like a little girl lost her candy. Her only sweet candy she owns. Or a little girl lost her balloon. That fly high up in the air in a second she did not have a chance to grasp.
But then I think, what does it take to make me that sad?
Is it because of the solid loneliness, I no longer have someone to share trivial things anymore?
Is it because of the status, you know, being single signifies that you are not as 'valuable' as those who owns a partner in a social context?
Is it because of the shattered expectations of the future?
What is it about?
The loneliness, to some extent, yes. But then I realised that I actually have friends to talk to, to share stupid things with. They are there, exist, alive. I have many people whom I overlooked for when I was too busy with my own little bubble. I don't really have a plausible excuse to prolong the sadness for the loneliness reason. In addition, I also am an introvert that, in fact, pretty much enjoy solitude.
The status? Probably the dumbest reason to be sad.
Shattered expectations? Well, life does surprise people in so many ways, maybe this is my thing. My expectations might have shattered in this matter, but on the other hand, there are many things happened beyond my expectations. And that's kinda outweighed the former.
Right now when I am typing this post, I feel nothing but liberated.
Liberation is a good feeling, the feeling of freedom, relieved. Unimpeded.
I can feel the airy space, the vast emptiness that clear my head.
I feel the power of being myself, without having to be associated with anyone to be defined.
I may still crack a joke about how I want to find 'the one' or mock 'the singleness' as a funny epithet.
But honestly, the idea of amorous relationship gives goosebumps down my spine. At least for now.
I'm currently in the pinnacle of my ego. I'm in the state that I don't wanna be owned by someone nor I own someone. I don't want to be 'in charge' of someone else's happiness again, nor I depend mine on someone. I don't want to compromise nor being the reason for someone to compromise.
I enjoy make friends with new people, get in touch with old friends, get closer with inner circles. I am kinda referring my social relationship now with a notion of no strings attached. Because, you know, if anyone wants to be kind to me then be kind, do not expect anything in return. I do the same way. I never knew that life's easier this way.
The decision I made two months ago is right. I had spent most of my early adulthood not experiencing the feeling I felt in the last two months. Of clarity. Of liberation. I shift my focus on me. Only me. If I occasionally want to have a person who can instantly reply my stupid text, share my trivial complaints about life, eat together, watch a movie together, all I need is a friend and nothing more. And I do have them. At least I think I have. So I guess I'm done with all the sorrow.
Now for all the lone wolf out there, please do not let yourself defined by how no one wants to be your special someone. Please do not let yourself drown in the misery of being lonely. Please do not depend your happiness on whom you are not with. You matter more than that. Being with someone is not an achievement. Nor it is the solution for all of your issues. It's just a differentiation of a life pathway.
And indeed, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I might weep about how being single has a detrimental effect on my own self-esteem. How I felt worthless knowing that someone whom I wholeheartedly adored is no longer interested in the time that I've invested nor the things that I said. How I felt like a failure to finally just walk out. How I felt disappointed with myself, with him, with the circumstances, with everything. How I felt the negativity consumed me.
Yes, I might weep thousand times like a little girl lost her candy. Her only sweet candy she owns. Or a little girl lost her balloon. That fly high up in the air in a second she did not have a chance to grasp.
But then I think, what does it take to make me that sad?
Is it because of the solid loneliness, I no longer have someone to share trivial things anymore?
Is it because of the status, you know, being single signifies that you are not as 'valuable' as those who owns a partner in a social context?
Is it because of the shattered expectations of the future?
What is it about?
The loneliness, to some extent, yes. But then I realised that I actually have friends to talk to, to share stupid things with. They are there, exist, alive. I have many people whom I overlooked for when I was too busy with my own little bubble. I don't really have a plausible excuse to prolong the sadness for the loneliness reason. In addition, I also am an introvert that, in fact, pretty much enjoy solitude.
The status? Probably the dumbest reason to be sad.
Shattered expectations? Well, life does surprise people in so many ways, maybe this is my thing. My expectations might have shattered in this matter, but on the other hand, there are many things happened beyond my expectations. And that's kinda outweighed the former.
Right now when I am typing this post, I feel nothing but liberated.
Liberation is a good feeling, the feeling of freedom, relieved. Unimpeded.
I can feel the airy space, the vast emptiness that clear my head.
I feel the power of being myself, without having to be associated with anyone to be defined.
I may still crack a joke about how I want to find 'the one' or mock 'the singleness' as a funny epithet.
But honestly, the idea of amorous relationship gives goosebumps down my spine. At least for now.
I'm currently in the pinnacle of my ego. I'm in the state that I don't wanna be owned by someone nor I own someone. I don't want to be 'in charge' of someone else's happiness again, nor I depend mine on someone. I don't want to compromise nor being the reason for someone to compromise.
I enjoy make friends with new people, get in touch with old friends, get closer with inner circles. I am kinda referring my social relationship now with a notion of no strings attached. Because, you know, if anyone wants to be kind to me then be kind, do not expect anything in return. I do the same way. I never knew that life's easier this way.
The decision I made two months ago is right. I had spent most of my early adulthood not experiencing the feeling I felt in the last two months. Of clarity. Of liberation. I shift my focus on me. Only me. If I occasionally want to have a person who can instantly reply my stupid text, share my trivial complaints about life, eat together, watch a movie together, all I need is a friend and nothing more. And I do have them. At least I think I have. So I guess I'm done with all the sorrow.
Now for all the lone wolf out there, please do not let yourself defined by how no one wants to be your special someone. Please do not let yourself drown in the misery of being lonely. Please do not depend your happiness on whom you are not with. You matter more than that. Being with someone is not an achievement. Nor it is the solution for all of your issues. It's just a differentiation of a life pathway.
And indeed, the grass is always greener on the other side.
20161021
Make peace with self
I must say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years.
The world is so much more beautiful in the lens of western world. The air is cleaner, no single ventolin used in this past two months. The water is clearer, you can drink from your own sink. The traffic and public transportation is more bearable, I almost always sit and read in subway, no significant hassle experienced. The sidewalk for pedestrian is there, waiting for you to walk, wide and safe. The food is coming from the best sources, abundant vegetables and fruits, cheap almond milk, variety of cheeses, affordable salmon. The people are minding their own business.
Life is less stressful than it was before.
Yes, those are admirable, but those are not the mere reason of the impressiveness.
I'm impressed by how living away from your comfort zone is letting you discover yourself in the most intense way. And by comfort zone I mean all the familiarity I had back home. Family, friends, food, material possession, social norms.
Day by day, second by second, I have a galore of chance to get to know the truest form of myself more. It started with the most basic question: what kind of person do I want to be?
The answer might involve further discovery of self, but at least now I figure out what kind of person I don't want to be.
I don't want to be a person with many faces. Being different person around different people. Talk differently, act differently around certain kind of people. I don't want to hide things and spend my energy to serve people's perspective towards me. Because then I have to ask myself, which one of those person am I?
I aspire to be the same person whether I'm with my nephew or my college friends.
I want me to do, or not do, things not because of someone else's presence or judgement, but because of the reason I inherently believe and the logic I essentially embrace. As for me to be labelled as certain thing is none of my business, because I cannot control people's perspective. One thing I can fully control is myself.
The truth is, I'm no longer relying on a sense of pure good and bad because the more I grow up the more I understand that all norms are relative, the world is not black and white. So the extra question I ask myself when I decided something, whether serious or trivial, is do I still have the same decision if I were surrounded by different people, for instance, if I were surrounded by the familiarity mentioned above? It is because of me that I decided to do this, or because of the others? And if the answer is yes, it is for the first reason, then I'm gonna do it. If it is not, then I'm in a full control of myself to not do it.
If I'm being kind with my closest friend, then I'm gonna be kind with whomever it is. I'm being kind not because she/he is A or B, but because it is what I am. If I don't drink in front of my parents, then I don't drink even if I'm in a bar with friends. My action is not based on my parents' presence nor my friends' judgement, it is because of what I do believe. If I don't smoke in front of my boyfriend's mom, I don't smoke even if I'm alone. Because it is what I am, not because I am afraid to be labelled as such thing.
Whenever I go, whomever I'm with, it has to be the same Tita Adelia that I am. That is the only way I can make peace with myself.
Now I get it why is there such phenomenon called 'coming out'. Because to make peace with yourself, you have to be able to be the same person wherever you are, whenever you are, whomever with you are. Hiding things, being a person with many faces, is somehow exhausting.
For my case, although it is not as easy at it seems, I'm fortunate enough that my version of self is widely accepted by society. I couldn't imagine how miserable it is to be oneself that happened to be the opposite side of constructed norms. It is like I want to befriend them. I want to hug them, tell them that it is okay to be your version of self, as long as no one on this mortal earth is harmed because of who you are.
Make peace with yourself is like the most fundamental thing you can do to reach the state of being happy. And I never feel as content as this before.
If it is not for the long distance I took apart from my comfort zone, I might not be able to even think about this all. I will be too busy dealing with everyday's routine, ride the sardine can train in the morning, fulfil superior's expectation in the daylight, craving for high quality sleep in the night.
So I'm not wrong if I say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years, am I?
The world is so much more beautiful in the lens of western world. The air is cleaner, no single ventolin used in this past two months. The water is clearer, you can drink from your own sink. The traffic and public transportation is more bearable, I almost always sit and read in subway, no significant hassle experienced. The sidewalk for pedestrian is there, waiting for you to walk, wide and safe. The food is coming from the best sources, abundant vegetables and fruits, cheap almond milk, variety of cheeses, affordable salmon. The people are minding their own business.
Life is less stressful than it was before.
Yes, those are admirable, but those are not the mere reason of the impressiveness.
I'm impressed by how living away from your comfort zone is letting you discover yourself in the most intense way. And by comfort zone I mean all the familiarity I had back home. Family, friends, food, material possession, social norms.
Day by day, second by second, I have a galore of chance to get to know the truest form of myself more. It started with the most basic question: what kind of person do I want to be?
The answer might involve further discovery of self, but at least now I figure out what kind of person I don't want to be.
I don't want to be a person with many faces. Being different person around different people. Talk differently, act differently around certain kind of people. I don't want to hide things and spend my energy to serve people's perspective towards me. Because then I have to ask myself, which one of those person am I?
I aspire to be the same person whether I'm with my nephew or my college friends.
I want me to do, or not do, things not because of someone else's presence or judgement, but because of the reason I inherently believe and the logic I essentially embrace. As for me to be labelled as certain thing is none of my business, because I cannot control people's perspective. One thing I can fully control is myself.
If I'm being kind with my closest friend, then I'm gonna be kind with whomever it is. I'm being kind not because she/he is A or B, but because it is what I am. If I don't drink in front of my parents, then I don't drink even if I'm in a bar with friends. My action is not based on my parents' presence nor my friends' judgement, it is because of what I do believe. If I don't smoke in front of my boyfriend's mom, I don't smoke even if I'm alone. Because it is what I am, not because I am afraid to be labelled as such thing.
Whenever I go, whomever I'm with, it has to be the same Tita Adelia that I am. That is the only way I can make peace with myself.
Now I get it why is there such phenomenon called 'coming out'. Because to make peace with yourself, you have to be able to be the same person wherever you are, whenever you are, whomever with you are. Hiding things, being a person with many faces, is somehow exhausting.
For my case, although it is not as easy at it seems, I'm fortunate enough that my version of self is widely accepted by society. I couldn't imagine how miserable it is to be oneself that happened to be the opposite side of constructed norms. It is like I want to befriend them. I want to hug them, tell them that it is okay to be your version of self, as long as no one on this mortal earth is harmed because of who you are.
Make peace with yourself is like the most fundamental thing you can do to reach the state of being happy. And I never feel as content as this before.
If it is not for the long distance I took apart from my comfort zone, I might not be able to even think about this all. I will be too busy dealing with everyday's routine, ride the sardine can train in the morning, fulfil superior's expectation in the daylight, craving for high quality sleep in the night.
So I'm not wrong if I say that this is the most impressive two months I ever lived for nearly 24 years, am I?
20160710
Awkwardness Award
Hello there, this is the winner speaking. How do you do? I'm fine too, thank you. (Awkwardly posing with trophy in hand)
Other than the smell of jackfruit, small talk is the thing I--if there's any chance--consciously avoid all the time. I always choose to be silent rather than being a deceitful one. I'm mystified if people still think I am nice at all. Because really, I have no ability to amuse people in terms of human interaction.
Seriously, how do people do that?
Today I overheard my mom, she was on the phone with one extended family I don't know. Her tone was witty and she laughed (friendly laugh) almost all the time. The conversation wasn't funny though, it was just about our family situation, my sister is now far from us because she lives with her husband, and I, on the other hand, am the only one home for now. I was wondering if my mom wasn't home and I were the one who answer that call, those conversation would be flat and dead already.
I'm more interested in a deep, insecure, honest conversation. Like, if people ask about my job, what I want to talk about is how bad the financial circumstance nowadays that many people got cut off from their job, I've witnessed myself. Not, how cool it was to work in parliament, because it was not that great. If people ask about my future plan, what I want to convey is I have many alternatives and currently think about several considerations, or even saying bluntly I'm in the state that I have no idea what my future will be. Not, as simple as stating one job. Because life is never that straightforward, is it? Same thing with how people react to any of my questions, I'll be more attentive to the deep, insecure, honest one.
Since I can hardly have those kind of conversation with new people, I guess I just have to take the consequences for being an awkward silent little bundle. (Except I'm not little)
Since I can hardly have those kind of conversation with new people, I guess I just have to take the consequences for being an awkward silent little bundle. (Except I'm not little)
Anyhow.
I will put this trophy in my self-esteem cupboard with pride.
And anyone who awarded themselves the same trophy, should too.
And anyone who awarded themselves the same trophy, should too.
20160528
About today
Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say
How close am I to losing you
Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away
How close am I to losing you
Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today
How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say
How close am I to losing you
Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away
How close am I to losing you
Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today
How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing
20160429
Name few things that make you happy today.
Hari ini saya memutuskan untuk tidak pergi kemana-mana. Karena toh saya bisa mengerjakan apa yang harusnya saya kerjakan di kamar, bersama laptop dan koneksi internet yang kencang. Hanya saja ketika saya tidak kemana-mana, kebiasaan buruk saya akhir-akhir ini adalah lupa makan, atau mungkin ngirit? Tapi memang tidak terasa lapar, hingga akhirnya melihat jam dan sadar bahwa saya seharusnya makan beberapa jam yang lalu. Maka pada pukul tiga lebih, saya memutuskan untuk keluar dari sarang tempat saya bermukim.
Saya tahu, langit sudah mendung dan jemuran pun sudah saya pindahkan ke tempat yang beratap karena sedikit lagi akan hujan. Ini bulan April tapi hujan masih datang hampir setiap sore atau malam. Tapi karena saya hanya akan pergi ke warung terdekat, yang menjual bubur ayam, indomie, dan bubur kacang hijau, saya hanya membawa dompet dan hp. Bawa payung agaknya terlalu repot.
Selesai makan bubur ayam dengan satu sate ati ampela, saya pergi ke warung sebelah untuk membeli air mineral. Tepat ketika saya bayar, harganya empat ribu, tiba-tiba hujan turun. Awalnya tidak terlalu deras, tapi ketika saya sudah menerima uang kembalian dan siap untuk pulang, hujan turun semakin deras. Deras sekali hingga saya mengurungkan niat untuk menembusnya.
Saya berteduh di dalam warung yang bisa dibilang kecil dan sempit, bapak tukang warung menyilakan saya untuk berdiri agak ke dalam supaya tidak basah. Hujan turun amat deras, saya lihat tidak ada orang yang lalu-lalang samasekali, mungkin karena saat hujan terlalu deras, memakai payung pun seperti sia-sia sehingga semua orang memilih untuk menunggu reda.
Perasaan saya saat itu tidak kesal sama sekali. Saya malah ingin tertawa. Saya lupa kapan terakhir kali saya membiarkan diri saya untuk terjebak di situasi-situasi bodoh seperti ini.
Saya berdiri dan diam, mau main hp pun belum isi kuota internet. Sudah beberapa hari ini saya hanya mengandalkan wifi. Akhirnya saya hanya memandangi hujan yang turun begitu deras. Air mengalir ke tempat yang lebih rendah. Suara petir yang bergemuruh membuat saya bergidik. Takut.
Saya diam dan berpikir, apakah saya tembus saja hujan ini karena saya tahu hujan seperti ini biasanya tidak sebentar? Toh dekat saja, hanya beberapa ratus meter. Tapi saya ragu. Karena saya membawa hp. Karena saya baru saja keramas dan mandi.
Dalam hujan lebat itu, lewatlah seorang anak kecil bersepeda. Tanpa payung. Tanpa jas hujan. Dia hanya bersepeda dan tertawa-tawa. Awalnya saya pikir dia lagi main lalu kehujanan dan akan buru-buru pulang ke rumahnya. Tapi ternyata tidak, dia lewat lagi. Kali ini berhenti lalu menyimpan sepedanya di dekat warung tempat saya berdiri, lalu dia meringis bahagia ditengah hujan memanggil temannya satu lagi. Basah kuyup.
Timbul rasa di dalam diri saya. Saya iri.
Kapan terakhir kali saya menikmati hujan sebagai anugerah dari Tuhan terhadap mahluk bumi? Saya tidak ingat. Yang saya tahu hujan hanya membuat macet, membuat saya menunda kepulangan jika masih ada di kantor, membuat saya menunda keluar rumah jika masih ada di rumah, membuat becek, mengotori sepatu.
Akhirnya saya mengambil keputusan. Iri tanda tak mampu. Siapa bilang saya tidak mampu menikmati hujan seperti anak itu menikmatinya? Saya masukan hp dan dompet saya ke dalam keresek air mineral, lalu saya tali. Saya gulung celana panjang saya sebetis agar tidak terlalu basah ketika menginjak kubangan.
Saya berjalan, ribuan butiran air dari langit membasahi ubun-ubun. Sambil berlari-lari kecil, saya menginjak kubangan air sehingga menambah basah baju saya, karena memang tidak ada pilihan, tidak ada jalan yang kering. Saya ingat saya tersenyum hampir tertawa. Tidak menyangka situasi bodoh seperti ini menjadi momen terbaik dalam beberapa bulan terakhir. Saya merasa bebas, naif, dan bahagia. Tidak ada suara yang saya dengar selain suara jatuhnya butiran air.
Sampai di kamar ternyata saya tidak sebasah kuyup yang saya bayangkan. Hanya bagian kepala dan jaket jeans saya yang jadi agak berat karena basah, sisanya seperti hanya kecipratan sedikit. Saya simpan air mineral berisikan hp dan dompet dan berganti baju. Lucunya, tidak berapa lama dari saya berganti baju, hujan mengecil dan beberapa menit kemudian reda.
Tidak semua orang bisa mengambil kesenangan dari terjebak hujan di warung sempit. Saya seperti disadarkan kembali apa yang menjadi kekuatan saya. Yang selama ini telah lama saya lupakan. Yang selama ini malah saya kubur dalam-dalam.
Saya adalah penikmat momen. Saya tidak mudah dibuat tidak bahagia.
Dulu saya memiliki toleransi yang amat luas terkait dengan standar kebahagiaan. Yang entah kenapa makin kesini makin menyempit. Makin dibutakan dengan hal-hal banal.
Saya ingat saat SMA saya bahagia hanya dengan mengetik di komputer butut tengah malam, tidak ada internet, tidak punya apa-apa. Hanya saya dan malam. Begitu sederhana.
Hujan besar sore ini, terima kasih sudah mengingatkan.
Hari ini saya memutuskan untuk tidak pergi kemana-mana. Karena toh saya bisa mengerjakan apa yang harusnya saya kerjakan di kamar, bersama laptop dan koneksi internet yang kencang. Hanya saja ketika saya tidak kemana-mana, kebiasaan buruk saya akhir-akhir ini adalah lupa makan, atau mungkin ngirit? Tapi memang tidak terasa lapar, hingga akhirnya melihat jam dan sadar bahwa saya seharusnya makan beberapa jam yang lalu. Maka pada pukul tiga lebih, saya memutuskan untuk keluar dari sarang tempat saya bermukim.
Saya tahu, langit sudah mendung dan jemuran pun sudah saya pindahkan ke tempat yang beratap karena sedikit lagi akan hujan. Ini bulan April tapi hujan masih datang hampir setiap sore atau malam. Tapi karena saya hanya akan pergi ke warung terdekat, yang menjual bubur ayam, indomie, dan bubur kacang hijau, saya hanya membawa dompet dan hp. Bawa payung agaknya terlalu repot.
Selesai makan bubur ayam dengan satu sate ati ampela, saya pergi ke warung sebelah untuk membeli air mineral. Tepat ketika saya bayar, harganya empat ribu, tiba-tiba hujan turun. Awalnya tidak terlalu deras, tapi ketika saya sudah menerima uang kembalian dan siap untuk pulang, hujan turun semakin deras. Deras sekali hingga saya mengurungkan niat untuk menembusnya.
Saya berteduh di dalam warung yang bisa dibilang kecil dan sempit, bapak tukang warung menyilakan saya untuk berdiri agak ke dalam supaya tidak basah. Hujan turun amat deras, saya lihat tidak ada orang yang lalu-lalang samasekali, mungkin karena saat hujan terlalu deras, memakai payung pun seperti sia-sia sehingga semua orang memilih untuk menunggu reda.
Perasaan saya saat itu tidak kesal sama sekali. Saya malah ingin tertawa. Saya lupa kapan terakhir kali saya membiarkan diri saya untuk terjebak di situasi-situasi bodoh seperti ini.
Saya berdiri dan diam, mau main hp pun belum isi kuota internet. Sudah beberapa hari ini saya hanya mengandalkan wifi. Akhirnya saya hanya memandangi hujan yang turun begitu deras. Air mengalir ke tempat yang lebih rendah. Suara petir yang bergemuruh membuat saya bergidik. Takut.
Saya diam dan berpikir, apakah saya tembus saja hujan ini karena saya tahu hujan seperti ini biasanya tidak sebentar? Toh dekat saja, hanya beberapa ratus meter. Tapi saya ragu. Karena saya membawa hp. Karena saya baru saja keramas dan mandi.
Dalam hujan lebat itu, lewatlah seorang anak kecil bersepeda. Tanpa payung. Tanpa jas hujan. Dia hanya bersepeda dan tertawa-tawa. Awalnya saya pikir dia lagi main lalu kehujanan dan akan buru-buru pulang ke rumahnya. Tapi ternyata tidak, dia lewat lagi. Kali ini berhenti lalu menyimpan sepedanya di dekat warung tempat saya berdiri, lalu dia meringis bahagia ditengah hujan memanggil temannya satu lagi. Basah kuyup.
Timbul rasa di dalam diri saya. Saya iri.
Kapan terakhir kali saya menikmati hujan sebagai anugerah dari Tuhan terhadap mahluk bumi? Saya tidak ingat. Yang saya tahu hujan hanya membuat macet, membuat saya menunda kepulangan jika masih ada di kantor, membuat saya menunda keluar rumah jika masih ada di rumah, membuat becek, mengotori sepatu.
Akhirnya saya mengambil keputusan. Iri tanda tak mampu. Siapa bilang saya tidak mampu menikmati hujan seperti anak itu menikmatinya? Saya masukan hp dan dompet saya ke dalam keresek air mineral, lalu saya tali. Saya gulung celana panjang saya sebetis agar tidak terlalu basah ketika menginjak kubangan.
Saya berjalan, ribuan butiran air dari langit membasahi ubun-ubun. Sambil berlari-lari kecil, saya menginjak kubangan air sehingga menambah basah baju saya, karena memang tidak ada pilihan, tidak ada jalan yang kering. Saya ingat saya tersenyum hampir tertawa. Tidak menyangka situasi bodoh seperti ini menjadi momen terbaik dalam beberapa bulan terakhir. Saya merasa bebas, naif, dan bahagia. Tidak ada suara yang saya dengar selain suara jatuhnya butiran air.
Sampai di kamar ternyata saya tidak sebasah kuyup yang saya bayangkan. Hanya bagian kepala dan jaket jeans saya yang jadi agak berat karena basah, sisanya seperti hanya kecipratan sedikit. Saya simpan air mineral berisikan hp dan dompet dan berganti baju. Lucunya, tidak berapa lama dari saya berganti baju, hujan mengecil dan beberapa menit kemudian reda.
Tidak semua orang bisa mengambil kesenangan dari terjebak hujan di warung sempit. Saya seperti disadarkan kembali apa yang menjadi kekuatan saya. Yang selama ini telah lama saya lupakan. Yang selama ini malah saya kubur dalam-dalam.
Saya adalah penikmat momen. Saya tidak mudah dibuat tidak bahagia.
Dulu saya memiliki toleransi yang amat luas terkait dengan standar kebahagiaan. Yang entah kenapa makin kesini makin menyempit. Makin dibutakan dengan hal-hal banal.
Saya ingat saat SMA saya bahagia hanya dengan mengetik di komputer butut tengah malam, tidak ada internet, tidak punya apa-apa. Hanya saya dan malam. Begitu sederhana.
Hujan besar sore ini, terima kasih sudah mengingatkan.
20160426
I Lost!
The title made it clearly what am I gonna write in this post.
I admitted that I lost this 15 Minutes Challenge.
I made this challenge for myself and screwed it up.
I was came up with many excuses before I really admitted that I lost.
One of them is I already being productive in writing a and b (other than this blogpost).
But still. I lost. I didn't wrote every single day in this blog.
Now I know why am I still here.
Because I'm not committed enough to do things. I'm lack of determination and effort to make things happen.
Ok. At least I got to know myself better.
Thanks, self.
I admitted that I lost this 15 Minutes Challenge.
I made this challenge for myself and screwed it up.
I was came up with many excuses before I really admitted that I lost.
One of them is I already being productive in writing a and b (other than this blogpost).
But still. I lost. I didn't wrote every single day in this blog.
Now I know why am I still here.
Because I'm not committed enough to do things. I'm lack of determination and effort to make things happen.
Ok. At least I got to know myself better.
Thanks, self.
I gotta say No
Disclaimer: This isn't Meghan Trainor newest song.
This is just a little epiphany I got from doing nothing all day in my room.
That I should've said no more to especially myself.
That it is harder to say no than yes.
Being adult means you got to say no. For any unnecessary desire your body has.
Being adult means take a full control of yourself.
And we human, crave many things we don't actually need.
We think we should let our body get what it wants.
But no. It is not how this life works.
Our body crave for food it doesn't need.
We gotta say no.
Our body addicted to many variations of toxic substance.
We gotta say no.
Our body crave for sexual intimacy. Right there. Right now.
We gotta say no.
Our body need more sleep. Sleep all day.
We gotta say no. Get up.
What if we say yes?
Many people say yes to their desire. Including us.
We think we are content.
No. We are not.
We screwed ourselves up.
When we eat the food we don't need, we feel content.
But that's it.
Contentment fly away.
When we look to the mirror we found out we aren't in a good shape.
We feel terrible of ourselves.
Or worse.
Diabetes. Cholesterol. Whatever.
Going to the doctor ain't fun.
When we let ourselves addicted to toxic substance, we feel content at the moment.
But that's it.
In the long run. We are just frustrated.
Trapped.
In the tunnel of addiction.
Hoping we die faster.
When we have casual sexual relationship with other people just because we want to.
We cringe on ourselves.
Pretend to ask naive questions.
Is there any good people left out there for us. Why isn't anybody love us more than our body.
Crave a good, long-term, committed relationship.
Yet we won't bother to think about the foundation of good relationship.
Yet we can't value our body the way it should be.
We gotta say no to ourselves more.
We have to be in control of ourselves.
To chase happiness that lasts longer than a suck of a candy.
This is just a little epiphany I got from doing nothing all day in my room.
That I should've said no more to especially myself.
That it is harder to say no than yes.
Being adult means you got to say no. For any unnecessary desire your body has.
Being adult means take a full control of yourself.
And we human, crave many things we don't actually need.
We think we should let our body get what it wants.
But no. It is not how this life works.
Our body crave for food it doesn't need.
We gotta say no.
Our body addicted to many variations of toxic substance.
We gotta say no.
Our body crave for sexual intimacy. Right there. Right now.
We gotta say no.
Our body need more sleep. Sleep all day.
We gotta say no. Get up.
What if we say yes?
Many people say yes to their desire. Including us.
We think we are content.
No. We are not.
We screwed ourselves up.
When we eat the food we don't need, we feel content.
But that's it.
Contentment fly away.
When we look to the mirror we found out we aren't in a good shape.
We feel terrible of ourselves.
Or worse.
Diabetes. Cholesterol. Whatever.
Going to the doctor ain't fun.
When we let ourselves addicted to toxic substance, we feel content at the moment.
But that's it.
In the long run. We are just frustrated.
Trapped.
In the tunnel of addiction.
Hoping we die faster.
When we have casual sexual relationship with other people just because we want to.
We cringe on ourselves.
Pretend to ask naive questions.
Is there any good people left out there for us. Why isn't anybody love us more than our body.
Crave a good, long-term, committed relationship.
Yet we won't bother to think about the foundation of good relationship.
Yet we can't value our body the way it should be.
We gotta say no to ourselves more.
We have to be in control of ourselves.
To chase happiness that lasts longer than a suck of a candy.
20160420
I laugh, you laugh. We juxtapose in our own chimera.
The illusion of what we are. Of what we worth.
The truth is we never put ourselves in our each milieu.
We are clueless. Silently.
I thought our fate were intertwined. You thought our tenets were profoundly adhered.
It did not. We were bereft of us.
Time accentuate what we did not think of us.
Exuberance gone.
Us disbarred.
Ceasefire.
20160418
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
Among all young adult in the world, I guess I deserve to be asked this kind of question. Because I'm lame.
If I weren't afraid, I would ride Battlestar Galactica. Both Human and Cylon. I would do parasailing. I would ride scary roller coasters I have avoided all this time.
If I weren't afraid, I would express my emotion as it is. I would stop bottling down my feelings.
If I weren't afraid, I would quit my previous job as soon as I realised it wasn't worth that much.
If I weren't afraid, I would record myself singing and let people hear.
If I weren't afraid, I would marry someone and believe myself that I can cope with a serious long-term commitment.
If I weren't afraid, I would move to another town or even country and start my own life there from scratch.
If I weren't afraid, I would spend all my savings to wander around the world. Or else, I would spend all my savings to buy a car.
If I weren't afraid, I would say no to many chances given.
If I weren't afraid, I would swim in the ocean.
If I weren't afraid, I would cook fishes and eat them. Bare hands.
If I weren't afraid, I would do my postgrad in prominent university in United States.
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
If I weren't afraid, I would ride Battlestar Galactica. Both Human and Cylon. I would do parasailing. I would ride scary roller coasters I have avoided all this time.
If I weren't afraid, I would express my emotion as it is. I would stop bottling down my feelings.
If I weren't afraid, I would quit my previous job as soon as I realised it wasn't worth that much.
If I weren't afraid, I would record myself singing and let people hear.
If I weren't afraid, I would marry someone and believe myself that I can cope with a serious long-term commitment.
If I weren't afraid, I would move to another town or even country and start my own life there from scratch.
If I weren't afraid, I would spend all my savings to wander around the world. Or else, I would spend all my savings to buy a car.
If I weren't afraid, I would say no to many chances given.
If I weren't afraid, I would swim in the ocean.
If I weren't afraid, I would cook fishes and eat them. Bare hands.
If I weren't afraid, I would do my postgrad in prominent university in United States.
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
20160417
Casual Sunday
Let's chill and talk about cute subject. I didn't know how I ended up clicking this website, but hey, I found the cute section of baby names! I instantly remember my fourth grader self playing this game with my friends (elementary school rocks), writing down my imaginary baby names and comparing it to my friends. It doesn't mean that I was intentionally wanted to make a baby a.s.a.p (that would be terrifying) but it is cute to think or explore many baby names. So here it is a mini-list of several names that catch my eyes.
Aiden: A fiery one.
Revenge (american tv series) must be a prominent influence. Aiden is a cool, good-looking, sweet-hearted, and awesome guy there.
Alik: Helper of the man.
I love the consonant K there. Anti-mainstream form of Ali.
Audrick: Noble ruler
Well.. Audry is my boyfriend and people been mistaken him as a woman for his whole life because of his name. But I can't deny that I actually like the name. So I adore the idea of adding the -ick that makes it more masculine.
Dimka: Universal
It is so unique I never meet anyone name Dimka yet.
Kala: God of Time
Though this name is getting more mainstream, I still love the simplistic touch, deep meaning, and literal approach of this one.
Rakin: Respectful, firm, steady, confident
I can imagine people smile towards a baby name Rakin and call him "Rakin" with a cute tone. Imaginary game is so strong here.
Adena: Noble, delicate
This catch my eyes. Little Adena dancing around. Little Adena teasing her brother.
Aisha: Lively
Who doesn't know this name? Evergreen. Cute. Love it.
Catia: Pure
I imagine a grown up Catia as an a independent woman who true to herself. She is such an inspiration for her surroundings. What.
Inka: Hero's daughter
People, let's use this name for our daughter to praise yourself as parents. Lol.
Malika: Queen
This one is definitely familiar, but I don't care. It's phonetically beautiful.
Nava: Pretty
I have to search a deeper meaning for her surname though. But Nava is cute and unlikely used by people.
Tayla: She has been seen
It is hard to erase this name from this list and pretend I don't like it. But poor baby if she has to struggle with Indonesian bully who spell her name T-A-I-L-A. What a dilemma. Whatever. She will be a cute Tayla.
Bonus, here is the most absurd name I found. I don't know if there is actually human using this:
NEEHEEOEEWOOTIS
meaning: hacked back wolf.
I know right.
Aiden: A fiery one.
Revenge (american tv series) must be a prominent influence. Aiden is a cool, good-looking, sweet-hearted, and awesome guy there.
Alik: Helper of the man.
I love the consonant K there. Anti-mainstream form of Ali.
Audrick: Noble ruler
Well.. Audry is my boyfriend and people been mistaken him as a woman for his whole life because of his name. But I can't deny that I actually like the name. So I adore the idea of adding the -ick that makes it more masculine.
Dimka: Universal
It is so unique I never meet anyone name Dimka yet.
Kala: God of Time
Though this name is getting more mainstream, I still love the simplistic touch, deep meaning, and literal approach of this one.
Rakin: Respectful, firm, steady, confident
I can imagine people smile towards a baby name Rakin and call him "Rakin" with a cute tone. Imaginary game is so strong here.
Adena: Noble, delicate
This catch my eyes. Little Adena dancing around. Little Adena teasing her brother.
Aisha: Lively
Who doesn't know this name? Evergreen. Cute. Love it.
Catia: Pure
I imagine a grown up Catia as an a independent woman who true to herself. She is such an inspiration for her surroundings. What.
Inka: Hero's daughter
People, let's use this name for our daughter to praise yourself as parents. Lol.
Malika: Queen
This one is definitely familiar, but I don't care. It's phonetically beautiful.
Nava: Pretty
I have to search a deeper meaning for her surname though. But Nava is cute and unlikely used by people.
Tayla: She has been seen
It is hard to erase this name from this list and pretend I don't like it. But poor baby if she has to struggle with Indonesian bully who spell her name T-A-I-L-A. What a dilemma. Whatever. She will be a cute Tayla.
Bonus, here is the most absurd name I found. I don't know if there is actually human using this:
NEEHEEOEEWOOTIS
meaning: hacked back wolf.
I know right.
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